Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Bottoms Up!

Today is my six month bloggerversary! That's right, six months ago today I thought to myself, "What trick can I employ to get myself to write on a semi-regular basis? I could put it at the top of my to-do list. Nah, that hasn't worked so far. I could beg the writing gods to have mercy on my undisciplined soul. Maybe if I had a clue as to who the writing gods might be. I could start a blog. Everyone else and his great nana is doing it. Why the hell not?" So I created The Well-Fed Spirit because I wanted to reach out to women and give a voice to those who might feel they don't have one. Two weeks later, I started my regular, tortuous bout of PMDD and A Bitch Called Mom was born.

In the spirit of celebration, I have decided to piss off as many people as possible today. Those of you who usually find me lovable or at least entertaining might want to tighten your big girl/boy drawers. It's about to get bumpy in this bitch.

I was on my way inside my favorite grocery store, Aldi, yesterday when I noticed a protest going on just a few yards away. About 15 people with signs that read, "Church and liquor don't mix" and "God doesn't approve" were shouting at anyone within earshot about the travesty that was unfolding before our eyes. A liquor store was opening right next door to their church and they were not happy about it. And worse, God wasn't happy about it.

Let me briefly interject that I find it hilariously ironic that someone decided to build a liquor store right beside a church, but that's just me.

Anyway, a young man approached me as I struggled to shut the trunk of my van while maintaining a death grip on my reusable bags so they wouldn't fly away in the 40 mph winds. He politely asked if I would sign their petition to prevent the liquor store from opening next to their awesome, wonderful, sent-straight-from- heaven church. I told him I didn't really care whether there was a liquor store next to his church because hey, it ain't my fricking church, but that I would sign the petition if that would make him happy enough to skip his little ass out of my face.

"I don't understand, Ma'am." He was so well-mannered. His mama would have been proud.

I explained to him that it's all a matter of perspective. What if, instead of seeing this situation as a curse, they looked at it as a blessing. If there is a liquor store next door to your church, doesn't that give you countless opportunities to "save" the "sinners" who might have a "drinking problem"?

He said, "Ma'am, I can see how you would think that, but there are many members of our church, including myself, who are recovering from alcoholism and it's not a good idea to have a liquor store there while we're trying to worship."

At this point, I'm about two seconds away from cursing him out because he's called me "ma'am" twice already. Asshole. He starts to rattle off a list of the long line of alcoholics in his ancestry and I told him to save the drama for his mama. My father was both an alcoholic and a drug addict, my mother still is a drug addict, I have at least six other family members with addictions of some kind and my husband is just a shot away from being an alcoholic himself. I, myself have at least three shots to go before I get there, so I'm good. The point is I'm familiar with addiction, so you don't need to sell me on it, Little Preacher Boy.

Here's my question: at what point do we make addicts responsible for their own sobriety? For that matter, when do we make people, in general, responsible for their own lives? I understand that it is a daily struggle for addicts to maintain their sobriety. I applaud anyone who battles with this disease and manages to come out on top most of the time. Temptation is everywhere. How will a recovering addict learn to deal with temptation in a healthy, productive way if we shield them from it? How can they know the victory of overcoming an obstacle, if we hide the obstacles from them?

If you're an alcoholic and you work at a dentist's office in a shopping center that just so happens to be three doors down from a bar, are you going to quit your job? Petition that they uproot their entire business so that you won't have to walk past it everyday? Or will you walk right past it and, when you feel tempted, keep on going until you find an AA meeting? Isn't that what's supposed to happen? When you find yourself in a situation that you feel you can't handle without the assistance of alcohol, you need to seek the assistance of those who are there to support you because they all have been where you are and will not judge you. Right? If that's not how it works, you definitely won't find my ass parked at an AA meeting when I finally fall off the edge of this cliff. Fuck that.

If you walk down the street in any poor neighborhood in America, you will find a church on the corner. If you keep walking in the same direction, you will find a liquor store one block down. Keep walking and you'll find that the pattern repeats itself: church, liquor store, church, liquor store. This is where poor people find solace. If it can't be found in church, we'll just walk down a block and find it at the bottom of a bottle.

I wonder if the protesters would have been as up-in-arms if the store were opening a block away. Is proximity the issue? Is God okay with liquor stores being erected a whole city block away from the church, just not right next door? And wouldn't the recovering alcoholics still have to walk past the liquor to get to the Lord? Or vice versa?

What's your take?

To those who will un-follow me now, I say, "Hey, it's been real." I'll see you at the next meeting. To those of you who will stick around, I say, "Thanks for having my back whether you agree with me or not." And feel free to cuss my ass out if you think I'm being offensive. You know I'd extend the same courtesy to you. That's how love works: I piss you off, you put your foot up my ass, we have a good laugh or cry, and then start that shit all over again.

Happy bloggerversary to me and to The Empress of The Ranter's Box fame, who celebrated hers just a few days ago (November 31st!). You know what they say about great minds. She's my sister from another mister, so if you haven't had the pleasure of reading her blog, get your ass over there now!

I just thought of something...she started her blog roughly a week before I started mine. She has almost 200 followers and I have 25. Hmmm. Guess that means I don't know what the fuck I'm doing out here in this crazy blog world.

Oh, well...bottoms up!


  1. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but this did indeed make me laugh. And made me want to stick around for more. Does that make me evil too?

    I grew up in the church pretty much. I would probably be the one opening up the liquor store because I thought it was funny. Kind of like my idea to become a divorce laywer and open up an office next to the christian school I (briefly) attended in case anyone wanted to undo their MRS degree.

    visions unto myself

  2. I can't imagine why anyone would stop following you over this, but then again I don't understand a lot of the blogging retardation that turns everyone into walking fucksticks around these parts anyway.

    That being said, I absolutely love this post and agree with you 100%. I am an addict and an alcoholic (2 yrs. clean - better part of one year sober) and don't expect ANYone to move any sort of mountain for me. It's my own shit that I need to get together. I have friends that drink and smoke and jik the fuck out and all kinds of other stuff. Is it difficult? Hell yes. Is that somewhere I want to go back to? Hell no. It is about choices and the consequence of those choices. If someone were truly *in recovery* that damn liquor store could be IN the church for all it is worth and it shouldn't matter.

    Stop being weak and wanting to drink or get high or WTF ever and blaming that shit on someone else. It's your cross to bear (since we're on the subject). It's not the liquor store's fault. Shut the hell up, take some damned responsibility for your damned self and go sit in a corner somewhere.

    Grrrrr. I am so hacked off.... Jackasses.

    I'm done. For now. You may have spawned my own blog post on this one though.

    And as for the differing amount of followers, it could be because of the disclaimer button you have to click to get in here. Blogs with that on them do no circulate as readily as those without. I went through that with my old one. My readership doubled once I took it down. So that may be all it is. It's certainly not the content. This is one of my favourites by far.

  3. Ah but all your followers are of awesome quality.
    As for the whole church/liqour store thing, why is it the people who preach compassion so rarely show it? As you said, it could increase thier congregation. Somebody is trying to make a living and perhaps even employing a local person or two.
    If they find it too much of a temptation, perhaps they should host AA meetings themselves.

  4. I've totally got your back on this one! All too often "religious" folks claim to speak for God when they're only speaking for their own little clique. They love you if you're one of them, but if not, you're going to Hell.

  5. I wonder if that church has a problem with Jesus turning water into wine...

    Anyway, you know good in well that the liquor store is supposed to be a block away--so that everyone can pretend NOT to see fellow church goers patronizing the establishment...

  6. @Kara- I grew up in the church, too and yes, we're both evil. Isn't it fun?

    @Rabbit- You, my friend, are a fucking genius! It never even occurred to me that my 'adult content' message was scaring people away. Thank you!
    I was really concerned as to whether I would offend you or not with this post. You know how it is when someone who doesn't have any personal experience with a situation voices an opinion about it. You have no idea how relieved I am that you don't feel the need to kick my ass.

    @Mynx- Thank you for reminding me to be grateful for all 25 of my beautiful followers! I am very grateful and I love all of you to freakin' pieces. Brilliant idea about the church hosting AA meetings. I guess that would be too much of the Lord's work for them.

    @Lolamouse- Thank you! Aren't you sick of people kicking your ass in the name of God? It pisses me off so much.

    @Sullie- That's the same thing a friend of mine said (about Jesus with the wine)! If people don't want to see me walking into the liquor store, they should close their eyes. ;)

  7. Is it too generic for me to say I agree with every single letter of every single word you just wrote. Responsibility people! And what if they need more wine for communion? And whats more, I live in Indiana where you can't even buy alcohol on Sunday's or open a bar withing a football field of a church or something like that.

    I think your take on giving the alcoholics - or even the people who just would like to have beer for the game after church - a place to go is dead on. Kudos to you my dear!

  8. Not in the least. I couldn't agree with you more.

  9. fuckin a right!

    i am so tired of this PC and not taking responsibility that i may just have to let my tourettes control my other half and run down the street screaming FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!!

    im here, you can't offend me...

    hell i worried a bit at first when i started evil twin, but you know what? there is a certain level of respect that goes with having the ass or balls or whtever to say what you really think...

    and it is cathartic...

    fuck anyone that gets pissed and leaves...

    you are intelligent and have a valid point!

    i like people that tell me they are pissed, and then i can see their side...i may not agree, but i will respect you all the more for it.


    stupid stuff i see and hear
    bruce johnson jadip

  10. Maybe you have more followers than you think. I follow both blogs through my rss reader--not the Google friend connect thingy.

  11. @Tame- agreeing with everything I say is NEVER generic. In fact, it reassures me that the craziness I think is not as crazy as I think.

    @bruce- love you! I think FYA should be a national movement and you should lead the charge. I'll be your loudest supporter, of course. I will shout Fuck You Asshole from the mountaintop.

    @Sullie- You could be right. I didn't think of that, but more importantly, I'm not entirely sure how RSS works. So, there you go.

  12. Congratulations on 6 months in the blogosphere! You know that I have loved your blog from very early on, especially your candid and often humorous take on life and all those things that piss us off.

    It is indeed ironic that a liquour store was opening up next to a church, but like you and everyone else is saying, deal with it people. We all have our temptations and must find our own way of overcoming them. ...And why in the f*ck do those annoying little protestors always have to come buzzing around when you have your hands full of groceries?

    Thanks by the way for the blog mention my sister from a different mister. Rabbit is right about taking down the 'adult content' warning. And I'm sure as well that you have more readers than those showing up on your follower list because your blog is amazing!!!
    Much love!

  13. Oh, Empress, you're the bees knees! I'm not old enough to use that expression and I'm not all that sure what it exactly means, but if it means 'you fucking rock' then I'm dead on.

    Took Rabs advice about the ac warning, so we'll see. But I don't really care anymore because I was reminded of just how amazing the followers I already have are. If all I have are you guys for the rest of this ride, I'll still be the luckiest bitch here.

  14. Happy blogiversary. I love reading your blog you have an interesting point of view on everythng. And your a very funny lady. :)

  15. I'm still here!!! There is actually this huge debate going on near where I live about a strip club opening up across the street from a school. The strip club itself opened up and naked people dance there, but they are unable to get their liquor license because of the close proximity. WTF? I just don't see how the strip club that opens at 5:00 pm effects the school that closes at 3:00 pm.

    Off subject? Sorry about that. :)

  16. Aw, thanks, Tired Mom! That means a lot to me.

  17. @JM- Thanks for staying! I love you guys!
    I guess the message they're trying to send is that ALCOHOL is the root of all evil. Not potential sex offenders or lewd acts that might take place in the alley behind the strip club, but the alcohol itself. THAT is what would make it an undesirable business to have near a school.

  18. Happy Blogversary!!! Woohooo!!!

    I agree with you. I personally don't have a problem with a liquor store being in close proximity. The nice fella who was talking to you and everyone else in the congregation who can't hold their liquor and must abstain need to put on their big boy and girl pants and take responsibility for themselves. That is the problem, we're always trying to take responsibility away from others because we think we know better than they do what is good for them.

  19. Isn't the whole point of church to come repent after getting too drunk and _____? I'm confused as to what these people were all up in arms about. Apparently alcohol is the root of all sin: not the pedophile deacons or judgmental snobs or anything...God forbid we blame our sin on ourselves - there's always something else you can blame.

    But hey, that's a whole soap box of mine I don't need to get into on your comments. Glad you took away the warning before entering your site - it made me feel naughty.

  20. @Semi True- See, that's how some churches operate. They don't want you to know that you can survive just fine without them.

    @holly- Exactly! I wish I could blame my problems on someone/thing else, too, but that shit ain't gonna help me.

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  22. "I'm about two seconds away from cursing him out because he's called me "ma'am" twice already"


    CONGRATULATIONS!!! Happy Bloggerversary!!!

    Just found your site and absolutely LOVE IT!!..Adding you to my favorites now!

  23. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  24. @Toy- Welcome! I'm glad you like it here. Thank you so much for your kind words. Buckle your seatbelt; it gets a little rocky in here sometimes!


Bitch with me, will you?