Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Unqualified

As a stay-at-home mom, housewife, or as I like to call it, professional slave, I'm getting pretty sick of being underestimated. I'm an intelligent woman. Even at the ripe old age of pushing 40, I still have an abundance of potential. I'm smoking hot, if I do say so myself. And I do fucking say so. These extra pounds do nothing to detract from my inner bombshell. Fuck you if you think otherwise.

Why is it that people think that just because I haven't worked outside my home for several years now, I have nothing to offer?

To be honest, I have little desire to work for someone. I despise being told what to do, but as long as I'm treated with dignity and respect and I'm being paid, I can be a team player...for a little while. All I want is a part-time job paying decent money working somewhere between 9 am and 2 pm, so I can bring in a little extra while I'm waiting for someone to discover that I possess writing ability and talent and offer me millions of dollars to do something I love. Izzat too mush to ass? Sorry, I didn't realize that typed words can slur, too, when you drink too much.

For years I have worked several work-from-home, start-your-own-business, I-can't-believe-people-are-too-lazy-to-do-this-shit-themselves types of gigs. That means, I haven't been unemployed, I just don't work for others. Apparently, that renders me unqualified to work with people outside of my house.

I applied for a part-time job with McCormick. You know, the spice people.

This job was working 10 am-1 pm, Monday thru Friday as a taste tester for $12/hour. Are you freaking kidding me? You're going to pay me to taste food for three hours a day? I thought that shit was awesomeness dipped in chocolate with a side of Idris Elba. I had to send an email to some staffing company begging for the opportunity to apply. Then I had to fill out a long ass questionnaire about my food preferences, diet, willingness to taste unpleasant foods, name, rank, serial number, blood type, dress size and date I lost my virginity (November 12, 1988 if you're interested). Finally, I had to wait on pins and needles for their approval of me. It never came. They said I was unqualified.

Now, I don't offend easily, but if you want to know what 'useless' feels like, just let someone tell you you're not qualified to taste food. I don't even know what the hell to say about that. Am I also not qualified to walk? Breathe? Blink my eyes? This was a 'no experience necessary' job, but they were going to provide training. Who the fuck doesn't know how to eat? They could hire a toddler and still get an accurate account of whether something tastes good or not. It seems to me that they would have taken the first eight people who showed up clean, well-groomed, and literate.

But they're not taking me. Because I'm unqualified.

That fucking sucks.

This is my official boycott of McCormick spices. It's nothing but Spice Classics from here on out. Pardon me while I cry my poor, useless heart out. :(

22 comments:

  1. I wonder how they determine who is qualified?

    ReplyDelete
  2. That is a d*mn mess. I haven't heard of such foolishness as that...who the heck needs experience to taste food...tell em you been doing for almost 40 yrs....f*ck em...and I'll boycott with you tell them bunch of ball lickers to take their job and shove it in their rectums until it enters their GI:)

    ReplyDelete
  3. @Kimber- Welcome to my blog! You probably have to be willing to do some off the wall bs like pick nits out of monkey fur. A bitch like me would open all the cages and let the monkeys kick some ass. So...no...prob wasn't a good fit.

    @Sharon- Thank you! And I will pass that message on to the ball lickers. I think I'm so pissed cuz it's the first job I've actually wanted in a long time. Fuck em. Their loss.

    ReplyDelete
  4. amen!

    their loss...you rock, and the world is yet to know it! keep your head up! it is a terrible job market. i have been self-employed most of my adult life. that makes me un qualified for a lot of jobs...fuck them..

    fuck those fucking fuckers! they prolly meant you were over-qaulified as the sub-moronic-peabrained asshats they hired did not graduate from middle school.
    Bruce
    bruce johnson jadip
    evilbruce
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book

    ReplyDelete
  5. They suck!!! You can absolutely do anything you want to! You need to send me email. Have I got something you wan to know about. Seriously.

    semitruestoryteller@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. @bruce- I sure hope you're right about the world finding out how much I rock and goddamn soon, please. Hope you had a nice Xmas break from blogging!

    @Tory- Now you've got me all curious. I'm emailing you right now!

    Thanks for the pep talk, guys! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  7. OMG you're singing my song again! I quit working outside my home when my kid was born and I guess my intellect and personality must have leached out of my head into my breast milk and out of my body because no one in the D.C. area thinks I'm worth speaking to! The first question is "What do you do?" When I say that I volunteer, they get a glazed look in their eyes and make an exit. I'd love a part time job too, but try finding one when you've been 15 years out of the workforce. Ha! Why can't the world recognize our awesomeness?

    ReplyDelete
  8. @Eschelle- Yes it is! To say the least.

    @Lolamouse- That is why I love you because you understand everything that goes on in my crazy world! I don't know why the world doesn't recognize our awesomeness, but I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!

    ReplyDelete
  9. In my experience, when they give you a bullshit answer like "unqualified" they have either given it to a junior, who costs less, given it to some dumb blonde with big tits, or given it to the boss's wife's cousin's daughter who is young, blond and has big tits.

    ReplyDelete
  10. What the effing hell is wrong with those asshats? You are too good for that silly job anyhow. Even so, I know how frustrating it can be when you get some BS answer as to why a company doesn't hire you. There have been countless times where I have been told that I am underqualified despite the fact that I could do the job of the person five levels above the job I was applying for.

    Perhaps the universe is trying to tell you to go off and do something on your own. Your writing is amazing, it sounds like you could run circles around that Betty Crocker bitch, you give great advice, and you are funny as freaking heck. No doubt there is a business of your own somewhere in the midst of all of your special talents.

    Sending big hugs and lots of love your way!

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  11. @Mynx- I would have more respect for them if they just said, "sorry, we have to give the job to the boss' wife's cousin's daughter with the big tits. At least I understand that.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Empress, I'm going to print out your comment and tape it to my laptop as daily inspiration. You've made my night. Now I think I can sleep. :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm hereby boycotting them too. That's pretty ridiculous. What exactly are the qualifications of a taste tester?

    ReplyDelete
  14. @JM- I have no idea what idealistic qualities they're looking for in a taste tester. Thanks for the support, though!

    ReplyDelete
  15. What kind of shit is that? Don't think of it as them saying your unquilified, think of it as they are unquilified for you! That sounds better.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh, Catrina, that's WAY better! I like that. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  17. WHAT!!! I work with people making 60K a year that can't write a complete sentence...and YOU are unqualified??? That's it...as a sign of solidarity...I'm not buying anything that even sits on a shelf with a McCormick product!!!

    That being said...y'all are being a little harsh on the blond with big tits...she's gotta work too...you know how expensive those support bras are!!!

    And lastly...how the hell did you "lose" your virginity? Did you leave it on a bus, did it fall out of your panties and ya didn't notice...what? If you give me a good description, I'll look around for it :-)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Dad, you know, I wish I could get it back, but unfortunately I gave it to someone who didn't deserve to have it. And yes, those support bras are very expensive, so Big Tit Sally can have the job. I wouldn't want anyone to get hurt with those things swinging around freely.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I agree with all your commenters: namely Bruce, Mynx, and Empress.

    I've been on a lot more interviews in my day than I've had jobs. There was this one job I was interested in for the convenience that didn't hire me because I was too ambitious.

    Them not hiring you is proof that you're too good for them, not the other way around. On to bigger and better!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hey McCormick! How does this taste? Earthy? Spicy? With notes of leather? Are you qualified enough to recognize my BOOT ALL THE WAY UP YOUR ASS? You're unqualified to be in my cabinets from now on, how about that. Shit for brains.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Holly, your support means a lot to me. Thank you!

    Jennifer, you just became one of my favorite people!

    ReplyDelete

Bitch with me, will you?