Monday, December 13, 2010

PSA: Dog Love is in the Heart of the Beholder



I get it. Your dog is the cutest thing since those funny looking Olsen twins. Aw, come on. When Full House premiered and they rolled out those buggers as one little baby "Michelle," didn't you think, "What the hell is that?" Eventually, we grew accustomed to their weird little faces and they became adorable to us. That's how I feel about your dog. He's cute in the same way as any creature who licks his own ass is cute---from a distance.

The reason I've got a bug up my ass about canines today, aside from not getting any for at least five days (sleep, that is. the other thing either now that you bring it up. thanks), is because some woman whom I don't know felt it necessary to send us a picture of her dog in a Christmas card. My husband knows her from work, so there are a couple ways I could look at this. On one hand, she could be some old bitty whose only companion is her beloved dog and who wants to share her love of said dog with the world because he makes her so happy. On the other hand, this could be hubby's other wife on the other side of town making sure 'daddy' has a picture of his cherished pet to carry with him at all times. Either way, I don't give a shit. I don't want a picture of that bitch's bitch in my house.

Let me clear something up for all you psycho dog owners out there: You love your dog. You want to dress your dog up in tiny designer outfits and carry it in your purse and take portraits of it and feed it caviar and oysters. You want to look up from the desk of your dead-end job and gaze into the blue/green/brown eyes of the loyal pup waiting patiently at home for your return. You. Not me.

There's a way to gauge whether or not you should send those $200 Petco portraits out to someone. Ask yourself a couple of questions. The first one should be, "Does this person know my dog?" If the answer is no, stop, calm your hyper ass down, remove the address label from the envelope, and step away from the postal worker. Your third grade teacher couldn't give less of a fuck about Trixie or how good she was when you took her to see Santa. The second question is, "Does this person love my dog?" Again, if the answer is no, save that precious portrait for someone who does. Don't waste your money; we're in a recession in case you didn't know. If you send a picture of your dog to someone who doesn't love him, it will end up in the trash. Or, and this is probably just me, it will get folded origami-style into the shape of a mouse and given to my cat. Sure, I may like your dog, it's not likely, but stranger things have happened. I may even think he's cute. But if I'm not falling all over myself trying to get to your house to play with the pwetty wittle puppy wuppy who's a cute dog? who's the cutest wittle puppy in da whole wide world? then I DON'T WANT A PICTURE OF YOUR FUCKING DOG.

As I was writing this, a commercial for an animal shelter came on. The dog was cute and the voice over was funny. Now that the commercial is over, I have no desire to ever see that dog again. See how that works?

While we're on the subject, the same thing goes for your kids. I don't know how many pictures of anonymous kids I have in my goddamn photo albums. A girl I worked with once gave me an 8x10 of her five-year-old. An 8x10, are you kidding me? What do you have a stash of gi-fucking-normous pictures stuffed in your bra to pass out like pro-life flyers? I had never even met the little heifer. Are people so proud of their little bundles of joy that they must insist on forcing their likenesses onto virtual strangers? Or are they so desperate for human companionship that they must create connections where clearly none exists?

Just to be clear any and all pictures of pets and children (let's throw in old people while we're at it) for whom I don't personally have love and/or affection will be trashed and burned, not necessarily in that order. You can waste your money, your Christmas card, your postage, and your time cutting those huge sheets into individual pictures if you want to. It won't last five minutes in my house.

Who the fuck is that? I don't know. Some dumbass I met on the bus stop gave me a picture of her twin rhesus monkeys. They were on a hit sitcom back in the '90's and then they grew up to vaguely resemble humans.

I apologize if this message is late and you've already purchased the Best Value package of pictures this year. Just think of it as advanced warning for next year. Besides, the dog will be a year older and a lot less cute. So will the kids.

26 comments:

  1. Wont get one from me. Dont have a dog, dont send cards. I could email you a gorgeous picture of my turtle, no? aww.

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  2. I hear ya! I know someone who had a giant ass portrait of their dog taken so they could hang it over their fireplace. Every year this person also sends out Christmas photos of them and their dog. Do they have a name for crazy old dog ladies?
    Hugs!

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com

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  3. Ok, I spoiled my dog extremely. Until I have kids, he's like a son to me. And not even I get holiday photos of him, let alone send them to people I barely know. He does get presents on Christmas, I will admit. And he's pretty much runs the house...but yeah, no holiday photos.

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  4. @Mynx- Um...no, but thanks. But if I "accidentally" get one in the mail, I'll put it next to the other anon kids.

    @Empress- I don't there is a name for old dog ladies. Let's think of some now: dog crones, bitch bitches, wiener geysers...I give up.

    @JM- Thank you for being part of the solution.

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  5. Okay, now I am scared... Considering going back and cropping the hell out of all my art journal pics because Winston is pretty much in all of them!

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  6. Aw, honey don't do that (although I know perfectly damn well you're not even considering it). YOUR loving your dog is more than okay. Force feeding ME that love would be the problem. I have enough intimacy issues as it is. Let me get the 'loving my husband and kids' part down first and then, maybe, we can move on to animals.

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  7. Animals are easier to love than people most of the time! I sent you a special message on your e-mail, Mrs. Hyde!

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  8. @LM- You're right! Animals hardly ever piss me off, that's why I love my cat. Even when he does piss me off by, say, clawing a big hole into my window screen, he gets a pass cuz he's an animal.

    I got your email. Thanks for sending me a new chew toy for my cat. Cats can digest paper, right?

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  9. When I first read this title and saw the picture, I thought it was going to be a rant about how not all dogs are cute. Holy crap, I hope that's not what your friend's dog looked like! That's not healthy.

    Anyway, I second what JM said. I may make references to animals on my blog, but I don't force others to love my dog who don't even know her. I work with the shelter a lot, so animals are just a part of my life.

    http://talkativetaurus.blogspot.com/

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  10. We are sooooooooooo in tune :-) Love your blog!

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  11. @Krissy- I don't know that bitch or her bitch, but since I have a picture, I can honestly say it doesn't look like that. I got that pic from google images.

    @Dad- Thanks, hon! Glad to hear that everything is good with Little Sis.

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  12. Other people's pets have there place.....and it's NOT using my garden, lawn, and flower beds to potty and piss in.....NOR in my mailbox.....so Mrs. Hyde gets a high five from me.

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  13. I guess I should proofread before posting. I actually do know how to spell "their" t h e i r so there!

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  14. I would rather have a picture of someone's pet than someone's kids any day. ANY day!

    But seriously, please don't send me either.

    visions unto myself

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  15. I'm with you on this! I don't like Chrismas cards to begin with, so when you start putting in pics of people and thinks I care nothing for...yeh, you're in my garbage!
    Great post, I love your voice! I knew I'd enjoy you just by the name of your blog. Wish I'd thought of it first :)

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  16. @Don- If you know of something that keeps cats out of a rose garden, let me know please.

    @Kara- I don't know which one I would prefer. Yeah, I'm still going with neither.

    @Sandra- Thank you so much! When I first thought of the name I thought I'd better hurry and create a blog before someone beats me to it!

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  17. Mrs. Hyde,

    Darlin' Lady (if I may be so bold as to address you thusly), I wish I knew how to keep cats out of rose gardens, but I don't. I've tried sprinkling a commmercial "Cat and Dog Repellent" in strategic locations around my yard, flower beds, and garden to no avail.

    Because you asked, I ran a short search on the topic and came up with some websites you may want to invesitgate @ http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=cat+repellents&fr=chr-tyc8

    I hope one of them helps you dear lady.

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  18. Don, thanks for going through the trouble. that was very sweet of you. I'll be sure to check it out because, at this point, I'm thinking of buying a BB gun and I am NOT a violent person.

    Just kidding. I would never do that to a poor, defenseless cat. A person, maybe, but not a cat.

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  19. Mrs. Hyde, it was my pleasure to find some links to sites that may help you.

    Cats, however, aren't defensless unless they have been de-clawed ,de-fanged and bound and gagged. Anyone who ever tangled with an angry cat would attest to that.

    In that respect cats remind me of several women I've known. :-)

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  20. No, love, I really wasn't. But I had to jab ya. My little bug is in all my pics because he is IN all my life... "Helping." But he's not really there to be shown off, per say. I put him up on Facebook more than anything because the girl that gave him to me is there and likes to see him as he grows, but I think that is the extent of poor W's glory.

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  21. Hey, Mrs. Hyde, even though I'm still weeping over your dissing of my doggies, I gave you a blog award. Check it out: http://lolamouse.blogspot.com/2010/12/lets-pimp-some-blogs.html

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  22. I still love you, though! Thanks for the award! xo

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  23. I enjoyed reading some of your posts...haven't read them all, but am glad to have come across you. Have total momcrush on ya now.

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  24. Aw, thanks, Mollie! Momcrushes are welcomed and encouraged. Happy to have you on my little piece of the 'net.

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  25. Hilarious as usual. I haven't yet seen the photo Christmas cards of just pets, but I know freaks who haven't thought of it yet.

    We did get a photo card of some pretty attractive people this year, which is hard to find in this neck of the woods. My husband said, "who are they?" and I looked at the return address and realized they're our neighbors. I guess that makes us antisocial.

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  26. I have two dogs, but you don't see me dressing their asses up and taking them to see santa so I can hand them out to strangers. People can be so dumb sometimes. I love your posts!

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Bitch with me, will you?