Monday, February 21, 2011

Hold On Just a Little While Longer



Okay...I get it now. Once I survive having raised teenagers while they simultaneously survive having not been killed by a rabid bitch they call mom, my fairy godmother will appear to grant my wildest dreams and wishes.

My home will be transformed into a majestic oasis of beauty and light. There will be bathrooms that smell of early Spring raindrops, Scotch-guarded walls, floors so sanitary that not only can you eat off them, but you will eat off them. There will be kick-ass pixies who'll make sure that everything stays immaculate because if they see so much as a dirty sock on the floor, they'll zap your ass to kingdom come.

Angels will sing me to sleep at night and larks will serenade me in the morning. The sun will kiss my cheek and say, "Arise, precious queen of Hyde. Behold your reward for a job well done."

And there will be...




Silence.

And all will be right with the world.

Forever and ever.

Let the church say, "Aaaaaamen."
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Labels: bitch, mom, pms , ,

27 comments:

  1. Oilfield TrashFebruary 21, 2011 at 1:19 PM

    You just described my fantasies. Of course you live in a house so you are one up on me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Chief aka Dad http://unsoundreasoning.blogspot.comFebruary 21, 2011 at 1:26 PM

    Aaaaaaaaamennnn....my fantasy is the same except it includes a hootchie mama that is always horny exactly at the same time I am and is completely satisfied by my mere touch...awwww...what a dream :-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Chief aka Dad http://unsoundreasoning.blogspot.comFebruary 21, 2011 at 1:27 PM

    Oh...I forgot...and above referenced Hootchie Mama makes more money than me and insists on buying me a bright yellow Corvette....awwwwwww :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. cakeologistFebruary 21, 2011 at 1:55 PM

    I wish there could be silence in my house long enough for me to have such fantasies....

    ReplyDelete
  5. BBFebruary 21, 2011 at 2:05 PM

    Mrs. Hyde...I am the Bloggy Godmother. I will wave my wand.

    ReplyDelete
  6. The EmpressFebruary 21, 2011 at 2:35 PM

    Ask and thy shall receive. Everything starts with a dream so dream big. Have a great week my friend!

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  7. Jumble MashFebruary 21, 2011 at 2:37 PM

    Can I come live with you when that happens?

    ReplyDelete
  8. OKinUKFebruary 21, 2011 at 3:13 PM

    Happy Unbirthday!

    ReplyDelete
  9. not displayedFebruary 21, 2011 at 3:37 PM

    Ooo is that what happens when they go? So excited now. Oh damn, that's gonna be years away. Better go pick those disgusting socks up from under the table.....

    ReplyDelete
  10. LolamouseFebruary 21, 2011 at 4:43 PM

    I thought that was MY secret fairy Godmother who was going to do that for ME when mine left the nest! I guess she has an army of pixies and fairies to help! (and yes, I was having teen issues when I wrote that less-than-nurturing haiku the other day!)

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  11. cakeologistFebruary 21, 2011 at 5:56 PM

    I'm back...I tagged you here http://notaboutcake.blogspot.com/2011/02/7-facts.html if you want to play along. I will still love your blog if you don't participate:)

    ReplyDelete
  12. UnknownFebruary 21, 2011 at 5:56 PM

    Amen!

    ReplyDelete
  13. On My SoapboxFebruary 21, 2011 at 6:19 PM

    Although I don't have kids, I would really like the kick-ass pixies to come to my house!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Kara HoagFebruary 21, 2011 at 6:21 PM

    Not so quiet now I'm assuming? I'm still trying to make a deal to get rid of my kids during their teen years before I have any.

    visions unto myself

    ReplyDelete
  15. HannahFebruary 21, 2011 at 6:51 PM

    Amen to that! I've always said it's amazing the human race hasn't become extinct yet because getting through the teenage years makes a person want to commit unspeakable crimes against their children. I'm anxiously waiting for the day my kids turn 18 and move out. And then I'm changing the locks and hoping they don't decide to move back in!

    ReplyDelete
  16. that guyFebruary 21, 2011 at 8:36 PM

    Afuckingmen!

    and so it is written. so it will be done!

    (i love silence,my wife however hates silence)

    Bruce
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    dreamodeling!
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

    ReplyDelete
  17. RebeccaFebruary 21, 2011 at 10:35 PM

    great post

    ReplyDelete
  18. Dr. McCoyFebruary 21, 2011 at 10:39 PM

    OT- I have to live in a house because if this space was any smaller, somebody in here wouldn't make it.

    Dad- Stop being greedy. All the sex you want AND hoards of disposable cash? That would make YOU the hoochie.

    Cakeologist- I don't care how obnoxious they are, I will not let them take my dreams from me. I'm going to hold you to that 'loving you anyway' remark. I suck at those things, but I promise to try.

    Barb- I knew I loved you for a reason!

    Empress- That's exactly what I'm counting on. Awesome week to you too, love.

    JM- You should be at least twenty-nine by then, so please do. You're the designated bartender.

    Mollie- Thanks! And if anybody can give me some silence before my actual bday next month, there's a cake in it for them.

    Mynx- My boys always, always, always leave socks under the dining room table. WTH is that?

    Lolamouse- I'm willing to share my pixies with you if you send me some of that penis pasta from a couple months ago.

    Rancher Mom- And amen again!

    OMS- I'm sure we can work out an agreement with the pixies. I'll have to put them on a schedule since everyone wants some.

    Kara- I was hiding in my bedroom with the door locked when I posted this. You are so smart to think ahead. If I had thought ahead, they wouldn't have existed at all. Just saying...

    Hannah- It's something they put in the ice chips when you're in labor.

    Bruce- That's why I wrote it down. It has to come true now, right? Right!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Dr. McCoyFebruary 21, 2011 at 10:39 PM

    Thanks, Becca! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  20. KellyFebruary 22, 2011 at 8:58 AM

    I dream often of silence and I don't even have any children yet. So def no kids.

    ReplyDelete
  21. MammaFebruary 22, 2011 at 1:06 PM

    AAAaaaamen! Preach it!

    ReplyDelete
  22. BeautifulMysteryFebruary 22, 2011 at 2:50 PM

    oh but you forgot the part where your husband has to cook and clean forever and ever while you get to put your feet up and relax! Wait, no, that's my fantasy... Lol, love your fantasy, wish we moms at the end of raising our kids could actually have them come true!

    ReplyDelete
  23. RosalindFebruary 23, 2011 at 12:50 PM

    please tell me this is true... I only have 15 years left... 15 years.

    ReplyDelete
  24. bitchinmommyFebruary 23, 2011 at 7:33 PM

    Hallelujah! Preach on, sister. Since you used the word 'teenager,' it sounds as though your dreams are about to come true. Unfortunately for me, I will be living the nightmare for another 17 years or so. 17 years....it's even more depressing when you put it in writing. I just posted a blog last night about not even being able to go to the bathroom by myself. I never have quiet, not even in the john. If I survive the three of them (or vice versa) it will be miraculous, indeed.

    ReplyDelete
  25. caterpillarFebruary 24, 2011 at 7:26 PM

    Aaaaaaaamen!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Dr. McCoyFebruary 25, 2011 at 12:39 AM

    Bagel- Chaos, without kids? I can't even imagine.

    Mamma- I'm lobbying for a better retirement plan for mothers.

    Beautiful- If I have my way, we will. BTW, I sooo don't want my hubby cooking for me everyday.

    Miss Rosie- I'll let you know in eight years. I'm only in the first round of teenagers. I've got one more round to go after that.

    Amanda- My kids aren't allowed to talk to me while I'm in the bathroom unless someone is bleeding. I don't care if the only thing I'm doing in there is plucking my eyebrows.

    Caterpillar- I think we can make this thing happen.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Tales of a Hockey WifeFebruary 26, 2011 at 10:16 PM

    I am not sure if you like to "play" along, but I gifted you something on my blog...It will be up tomorrow morning!

    Cheers!

    ReplyDelete

Bitch with me, will you?

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