Friday, January 7, 2011

Aunt Flo and the Assholes Who Love Her

Happy New Year to everyone to whom I haven't already said it. There. I don't have to say it anymore until next year. If I haven't said it to you yet, and you're neither smart nor intuitive enough to read this blog post, well then, you're shit out of luck.

Apparently, there have been a lot of people whose new year's resolution was to follow more blogs because I have doubled my readership in the past week. I'm not saying that I'm the best, but... I'm the best. A great big, bitchy welcome to all my new readers. I will try to return the favor, but I'm a busy bitch, so if I forget you sometimes, suck it up. I once forgot my two-year-old at a state park and I love him, so... Calm down, I remembered him by the time I was half way to the car.

Now to the reason for this particular bitch fest: feminine hygiene products.

Can we talk like girlfriends? Good, 'cause I'm going to do it anyway. Bruce, Rabbit, and Dad, I hereby dub thee honorary girlfriends. The same goes for any man who reads this blog, but I have yet to get to know. If that doesn't work for you, just pretend you're watching the game and a commercial for tampons came on at halftime.

Let's dish.

Because I'm still of childbearing age, barely, but still there, I have occasion to purchase feminine hygiene products. I try to avoid it simply because it's a pain in the ass. Usually, I buy the biggest box I can find so that it takes me months to have to do it again. Well, today, I needed to do it again. Yesterday, actually, but I push my luck with everything else, so why should this be different?

I made a list of all the things I would need and I was all set for a quick trip to Wally World or Target (read tar-zhay). Then I remembered that I haven't been to the store all week, so I will need to add a few things to my list. The list goes from three to fifteen items long. Then I remember that it's Friday, pizza night, and I don't have any pizza or items to make pizza. That means I have to go to another store. Well, if I have to go to two stores, I may as well clip those coupons that have been sitting on my desk since Sunday. Since I'm clipping coupons, I may as well look through the sale papers so I can get some sale/coupon combos. I mean, that only makes sense, right?

And this, gentlemen, is why it takes women so long to get ready to leave the house. Now you know. No need to thank me.

I had planned to leave the house at around 8:30 a.m., but with all the new items on my to-do list, it was looking more like 9:30 or 10:00. Oh shit, I haven't showered or eaten yet. Make that 10:30. Well, Mother Nature, Aunt Flo, or The-Thing-That-Created-Mrs.-Hyde, does not like to wait. She's an impatient bitch and she was telling me, not at all subtly, that she would not wait until 10:00. So, I drag myself to my neighborhood Family Dollar to get the biggest box of, um, supplies they sell.

Now, I don't like going to any dollar store on a Friday morning, for reasons I will tell you in my next post, but there I was with the male cashier, and five male customers. Not a woman in sight. I tried to locate the obvious sale they were having on hand lotion and tube socks, but no luck. I took my items to the cash register, the guy rung them up, and just stood there waiting for my money. I dug in my change purse to find the coin portion of my total. Then I went to the bills section of the wallet and fished out a $20 bill. The whole time I'm doing this, instead of bagging my items so that the other men will not see my very personal purchases, this ass clown just leaves my things scattered across the counter until:
1. I get money from two sections of my wallet,
2. give it to him,
3. he punches in the amount,
4. retrieves my change,
5. closes the drawer,
6. rips off the receipt,
7. hands me my change,
and only then does he bag my items. By that time every man in the store was in line behind me.

I have long since gotten over being embarrassed when men see me buying feminine hygiene products. It's life, and men know that women have periods, so nothing to be ashamed of. But even though I'm not ashamed, I wanted to bash his fucking face in with a can of FDS. Would it have killed him to bag my shit before all the men in the city saw what I was buying? Asshole.

Who came up with that cutesy little name, Aunt Flo, anyway? I take issue with it. She is nothing like my aunts. That bitch is just plain rude. My aunts would never just show up, out of the blue, and expect everyone to cater to her needs. My aunts don't leave messes and expect others to clean up after them. My aunts don't expect me to change my plans just for them. If it's not a good time for a visit, my aunts will plan to come when the timing is better for everyone. And if my aunts are upset with me, they won't kick my ass just for GP. Fuck that bitch. She ain't no aunt of mine.

****BTW, the zen bitch is making me pimp her from now on. Something about helping people in 2011 or some shit like that. If you have any questions or issues about which you would like a fresh perspective, email and your question and her subsequent response will be featured on The Well-Fed Spirit blog. When you email, let me know if you want your answer from the zen bitch (TWFS) or me (ABCM). If you pick me, you question will appear here. Thanks!


  1. Ha - love it. And i'm glad to be an honorary GF for at least 3 minutes anyway. And this blog wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as watching tampon commercials. Ok, maybe it was.


  2. here here FUCK THAT BITCH!!! I have been having such a heavy period the last one i woke up to gush jumped out of bed and nearly slipped! EEEEWWWW, looked like i killed a small animal in my bedroom, so thankful i have nothing but tile and hardwood!

  3. That is awesome! I've been there too.

  4. Yay! SD read my blog! AND commented! I'm so pumped! I won't tell you the drastic measures I was about to take to get you to follow my blog. The good news is, I don't mention my period that often. The bad news is, I just mentioned it again. Last time...promise.

    @Eschelle- that is wrong on so many levels. Thank God for hard wood. That's sposed to be one word, huh? Hardwood. Guess you know where my mind is.

    @Jessie- Thank you for your support. You're such a great GF!

  5. @Dad- that just gave me an idea! I'm going to email you if your email is turned on. If not, I'll leave an inappropriately long comment on your blog.

  6. 1) Happy New Year
    2) I'm waiting for an episode of CSI where they come up on the scene of a horrible blood bath--no body but blood splatter everywhere--and in the middle of the investigation realize it was just Aunt Flo gone wild.

  7. @Sullie- see, this is why I shouldn't read comments with a full bladder.

  8. You're surfing my wave again, Mrs. Hyde! It only gets worse when you're peri-menopausal. No predicting. I'm ready to rip out my ovaries and feed them to my dogs! Then maybe they'll stop knocking over my bathroom trashcan and I can stop chasing them around the house as they dangle used tampons out of their mouths! There's a mental pic for you!

  9. I'm sorry, I don't know if this post was supposed to be funny or not, but I was still laughing. On a serious note, I too buy the biggest box of feminine hygiene products I can find. That cashier was an ass though. If it was me, I would've given him my piece of mind. Well hope you have a better day!

  10. Aunt Freakin Flo visited me today too. Bitch.

  11. This was a funny post. Good writing! Love the new girlfriends.

  12. She's not my aunt either! I remember trying to explain to the Darling Husband why it took 45 minutes for me to take a shower recently and I had to tell him that by the time I got out of the shower the bathroom looked like a crime scene (or CSI set) so I had to clean it up before anyone else could come in. *sigh*


    Can'>">Can U Relate

  13. Aunt Flo is a f*cking bitch. She needs to be recalled and sent the hell back where she came from. Surely there has to be a better, less inconvenient and less messy way to procreate. And those daft eff-wits in the stores could do with some sensitivity training. Don't you love it when they put your feminine products in those nearly clear plastic bags on full display for everyone in the store and parking lot to see? Yet another reason why I use my own special shopping bags. Great post!

    Congratulations on all of your new readers. See, I did know what I was talking about when I gave you that award. And please know that I nominated you for a 2011 Annual Weblog award. Not sure how they notify the nominees.

    Big hugs!!

  14. @Lolamouse- you just keep giving me reasons NOT to get a dog!

    @Beautiful- I laugh at my ass all the time, so you can, too.

    @JM- the good news is her visit means no babies!

    @Barb- Thank you! You can never have too many girlfriends. Well, yes you can.

    @Tory- 'Crime scene', I like that one. I usually use 'slaughter house.' ;)

  15. @Empress- I am speechless. I am humbled that you would think that I deserve a weblog award. That is just...OMG, that is so special. Thank you so very much!

  16. Mrs Hyde, Aunt flo has left this particular building and hasn't visisted in the last 12 months. And that is one relative I am happy to see the end of. Of course she did leave behind the bastard triplets, cousin hot flush, cousin mood swings and cousin I cant remember a damn thing anymore. Of course there is always a chane still she my pop bck unexectedly so I have to always be like the boyscouts and be prepared bleh

  17. OMFG why have I not yet been to your blog? Oh, Mrs Hyde .. I do believe we are going to be friends. Very, very good friends ... Fabulous stuff here ...


  18. Oh yeah, AND - I cannot believe I forgot this - I was going to blog about it myself, but I'll just leave it as a comment here - began a new job this week - after a rather long and unplanned period (ha - actually did NOT intend that pun) of involuntary unemployment) and, of course, second day at work, Aunt Flo shows up and with a overflowing vengeance. I perioded all over my nice new office chair. Awesome.

    I blame it on my daughters (23 and 13) who were both just finishing THEIR "special times" and are apparently wreaking biological havoc with my cycle. Again, awesome.


  19. @Mynx- Hi, honey! I've missed you so! You can keep the aunt AND the bastard triplets. i don't have love for any of their asses. Love you, though! Good luck on the move to the new house.

    @PM Taylor- IDK but I'm glad you're here now! Friends are awesome, be they new, old, or why-the-fuck=are-you-still-here? Welcome to my blog! Thanks for stopping by and please...PLEASE come again.

  20. For once I felt like I wasn't the only female to endure that embarrassment!! Thank the LORD! LOL. I just recently started following and I am lovin the honesty, and bluntness! Thank you!!

  21. @Katie Leigh- oh, you are NOT alone, honey! Trust and believe there are millions of us being humiliated each day.

    Welcome to my blog! I'm so glad you joined us.

  22. I'm late ringing in. This taking a break thing I am trying to do obviously didn't get the memo because y'all are still blogging away. I opened Reader and there's some 300+ blogs waiting to be read. WTF? You mean the world didn't stop spinning because I said so? Hell...

    Now I have forgotten my wittily snarky comment. But it had something to do with growing up in a house full of women and only women housemates for my entire life so the order to "go get me some fucking plugs" was common and I never even thought to be embarrassed about it but now maybe I realize I should be but probably won't anyway...

    And I dunno what my problem is with taking forever to get out of the house is. I was planning on leaving here to go to town at 7 this morning. It's now 10 past 9 and I am still in my pajamas. I do have a hat on now though. But no list. No coupons. I don't even have face on... And I am still not even moving toward getting ready yet.

    Nor am I sure any of this has any relevance to the actual blog post at this point...

    I've been up since 4:30. Does that count for anything???

  23. New follower here, thanks to Simple Dude. Loved this post, I look forward to reading more from you.

  24. fucking bastard cash/bagging boy shoulda got a knee to the berries.

    other than that, i am glad i am not a woman, but am stoked to be an *Honorary*

    as usual, i left feeling a tad bit better, from a good laugh...if we cannot laugh at our own stupid asses, we are in sad shape...

    luv ya!
    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book
    Dreamodel Guy

  25. @Rabbit- Yeah, I noticed how even though you're trying to take a break, you haven't managed to do so yet. lol

    @Sha Bish- Welcome to the dark side! Happy to have you and so glad you'll be sticking around.

    @Bruce- I was trying not to get arrested in order to avoid embarrassing my police officer husband. It's so unfair the confines placed upon me by hubby's profession.

  26. Your blog is the only thing good about me not being able to sleep all night ;)

    I'm all with you on those idiots who don't bag the tampons, I mean why doesn't their stupid @$$ just wave the dam box around in the air and say "oh, so I see someone has a visitor"....and do people really still call it Aunt Flo???

    Girl, we've got to gibe Bruce a whole lot of credit for sticking up for his side of the gender on this one :)

    Now...about "Getting To Happy"...yes, I couldn't believe the way the whole book turned out either. I liked it, but it just wasn't what I was expecting...hadn't those four been through enough hell for a couple of lifetimes already?? Not to say they needed a whole nother book of it and still not much happy???


  27. that was too funny, you had be dying laughing at punching him in the face..It was like he knew what his intentions was...good one

  28. @Steph- LMAO @ waving the box in the air. I'm not sure if people still call it aunt about the curse?

    @Anon- He probably did know. He did have a whole jackass vibe.


Bitch with me, will you?