Friday, December 31, 2010

I Resolve...To Not Resolve

Another year has come to an end and I am happy to report that I haven't disappointed myself once in 2010. I know. I adore me, too. How have I managed this impossible feat? It's simple, really. I stopped making New Year's Resolutions about three years ago. Gone are the days when I'd sit down with a brand new journal and pen and plot out all the huge, unrealistic goals that I planned to meet in the new year. Ahhh, sweet freedom.

Have you ever taken a moment to examine the word 'resolution'? Broken down it's re-solution. The word is basically saying, "What? You didn't stick with this year's solution to the problem? Don't sweat it. Let's do it all over again!" It sounds wonderful, like a pardon from the President for killing a family of four, only the pardon is from yourself for not starting your own business or giving up caffeine. Yes, it sounds wonderful, but what happens when you catch a glimpse of yourself naked on December 19th and it's too late to lose that 50 pounds you resolved to lose? Trust me, even gastric bypass doesn't work that fast. So, you've disappointed yourself...again.

Not me. Not ever again. These past three years have been amazingly carefree. Except for the economy, but one can hardly blame me for that. Don't set yourselves up for failure. With my plan, you can make minimal effort and if you make any progress at all, it will be a victory. A small victory to be sure, but winning is winning.

And so, to encourage my friends, family, and fellow bloggers to join me in my quest to be happy in this new year and every new year to come I'm starting the No Resolution Revolution. It's just like making a resolution, only not. You take all the things you would normally resolve to do and do the opposite. Are you following me? No? Come on, keep up. It's not rocket science. Just do as I do.

In 2011, I promise (not resolve, see how that works?) to:
1. Eat as much as I possibly can in a 365 day span. Therefore, I also will
2. Gain so much weight that Weight Watchers will call me and offer their services free of charge.
3. Do absolutely no exercise and negatively impact my lung capacity.
4. Speaking of lung capacity, I will take up smoking again. Sure, I only smoked two cigs a day, but a carcinogen is a carcinogen, right? I'm sure it'll do the job.
5. Not put forth any effort toward being successful or achieving my dreams. Who needs a career that's financially and emotionally fulfilling? Not me, that's for damn sure.
6. Not pay any attention whatsoever to my husband and kids. They'll survive. If not, there's always the cat.
7. Let my house fall apart completely. I'm tired of spending my hard-earned money on this old ass house. Well, it's not exactly my hard-earned money, but still. I could start a nice gambling addiction with that money.
8. To be the most ungrateful bitch anyone has ever met. I've already got the bitch part down, so we're halfway there with that one.
9. To be the rootinest tootinest bible-thumpingest Christian this side of the Mississip. I almost wrote that whole sentence without laughing.
10. To actively, proactively, and reactively seek out alcoholism. That one shall begin before this post is finished being typed.

By the end of 2011, I will be a fat, lazy, alcoholic with no ambition, no friends, fucked up kids, and an iron lung. Damn! This shit is going to be fun.

I read a bumper sticker recently that said, "Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?" let's just say that's my motto for 2011. We're not supposed to survive 2012, so why the hell would I go through all the trouble of doing all the things that everyone else is promising themselves to do. Fuck that. I'm going to have a ball during my supposed last year of existence and maybe do shit differently in my next lifetime.


Happy Fat Ass New Year to all my wonderful and loyal readers! I fucking love you guys! I'm never going to say that shit again, so you might want to print this out.

See ya next year!


  1. Yes, I'm stalking you...but don't worry...I took on lazy this year so I won't actually be getting out of my chair to trouble you :-) Love your plan...count me in except for the alcoholism...alcoholics go to mettings and I hate meetings!

  2. Dad- Do you want to be called Chief or Dad? Or does it even matter? Anyway, I didn't say I'd be a recovering alcoholic. Recovering alcoholics go to meetings. I hate meetings way too much to recover.

  3. gimmme a fuck yeah!

    this was so dead on and fucking funny i may have snortled a bit of crown and coke (drinking the good stuff tonight) thru my nose..

    i am right there with ya on the no resolutions..

    Happy fuckin! New Year!
    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book

  4. Clever comment. Enabling encouragement. Selfish aside. {Pause}


    Happy New Year.

  5. I dont have resolutions, I have goals. And I am too busy going crazy moving 20 years of accumulated crap to make a list of resolutions. Besides all scraps of paper are currently being used for lists of jobs that need doing.
    Happy New Year Mrs Hyde. You always make me smile :)

  6. i always did love that bumper sticker. and what a delightful list!
    i didn't make any resolutions, but i at least made a plan for the night to finish this bottle of kahlua (which no-one has helped me with, btw) and gosh darn it, i'm gonna stick to something i started!

  7. @Bruce- Fuck yeah! Please keep making me laugh in the new year.

    @Mollie- Thank you. I aims to please.

    @Mynx- Well, that means I'm in good company because every time I log on to blogger and see your name, I instantly smile.

    @Vencora- I'll drink to that!

  8. Beautiful! I gave up resolutions long ago as well. Always ended up disappointing myself. Why bother? Sometimes just getting through the day is a triumph in itself, right? Set the bar low and you may even exceed your expectations!

  9. I don't believe in resolutions either for the same reasons you listed above. Why write a list of shit to do that only makes you feel bad at the end of the year for not accomplishing? Goals are good though even if it just means to get through the day OR eat two cupcakes instead of one (so that you eat one for each side of your ass) OR simply call someone a f*ckwit instead of every fricking name in the book (like they deserve).

    All joking aside, I know that 2011 is going to be a wonderful year for you my friend. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

  10. I've made a copy of that plan to post to my bathroom mirror as inspiration in the mornings when I get ready to go to that fucking place called work. LOVE THIS BLOG!!!!! Happy New Year!

  11. i will try! i have some great ideas for the coming year!

  12. Mrs. can call me anything you like...a couple folks got weirded out calling me Dad so I gave them an alternative 

  13. @Lolamouse- Exactly! Once again we're on the same page.

    @Tired Mom- Yes, I agonized over it for hours and hours. lol

    @Empress- I wish the same for you, my friend!

    @Nicole- So you took my hint about printing this post. Good shit! I'm so happy you enjoy my blog.

  14. Hello, I'm new to reading your blog. But I love it! Number six and seven speaks to me! I'm a stay at home mom for now who cleans the house every day and takes care of the baby plus the dogs. Lol, that's how I feel sometimes!

    My husband tells me that he'll pay attention to our child under two circumstances. 1. If our nine month old baby DESERVES it. And 2. When he, my husband, wants to pay attention to him, our baby. That and he makes messes when he's home and expects, no DEMANDS for me to clean it up. He tells me that when he's off work, he doesn't want to spend the time he has cleaning the house, he wants to enjoy it. So what would happen if I started to think like that? Hmm...

  15. @BeautifulMystery- First, let me say welcome! I'm so happy that you've ventured to my humble abode and even happier that you've decided to stick around.

    Second, after reading your comment about your hubby's attitude, I think I had a small stroke. Please tell me you're just joking about how your baby has to earn his dad's attention. I'm not going to say anything negative about your hubby, but that's just because I don't want to insult you this early in our relationship. I think you're on to something with the question "...what would happen if i started to think like that?" When my hubby doesn't get my point, I show him.

    You've just inspired a blog post for me, so thank you. You're earning your keep already. I like that!

  16. Ha! I wish that I was joking. Don't get me wrong, he takes care of our son, and gives him attention. He just yells at him more than normal. Hell, you shouldn't yell at a baby anyways. Even though I know it's frustrating sometimes. I find myself inching towards the whiskey in the freezer. Still, he has no patience for some things.

    I never had showed him how it feels to be the only one taking care of things in the house. I think I shall apply it now.

  17. Good for you! And save some of that whiskey for me.

  18. That is one kickass to-do list.

  19. @Fickle Cattle- I thought so! Welcome to my blog! I love to log on and see new readers.

  20. Love it! I promise to tell people how I really feel! ha ha

  21. Hi there, just stopping by, came across your blog by chance, so I gladly became your newest follower.

    I hope you'll stop by and follow me back.


  22. @Kimber- Good! There are too many words left unspoken as it is.

    @Pain Sux- Welcome to my blog! I would be happy to return the favor.

  23. My computer handle in 1985 was Princess PMS. Back then, everything was in text and so the computer games as well. The text game called Space Empire Elite would leave other users the message that "Princess PMS has invaded your planet and blah blah blah". I enjoyed leaving that thought with other users!
    My million dollar idea was a Midol commercial idea where some woman at the office was all bitchy. A calm co worker (also female) approaches and whispers, "Midol Works" handing her a couple. That would of been years ago my legacy to my gender and family.
    I enjoyed reading your blog. I will be back!

  24. Thanks, Bluezy! You're welcome at any time.

  25. Short time lurker, first time poster here. Just having started with this whole blog thing, I must say I am liking this! Love your "re-solutions" and recently blogged about something that resembles #9. I'll be back for more!

  26. @OMS- Thank you for both lurking and posting! I'll have to come over and check out that post.


Bitch with me, will you?