Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Award Whore

It's been five days since my last post and in that time, I've won two blog awards. You mean I don't even have to do a damn thing to win an award? Nice. I didn't actually win them per se. My awesome blog friends have given them to me because they think I'm hot shit. I guess that's tantamount to entering a beauty contest where your mom is one of the judges. That's fine by me. It's about time I had an unfair advantage over something.

The first award was from the source of my second guest post on a blog. Semi True Torystellar from Can U Relate granted me the Tanned Hide Blog Award

Because some crap should not be put up with. I love it! And if you get to spank an ass in the process, all the better. Somebody was checking out my blog when they created this award. This blog is the birthplace of inspiration for many. You're welcome.

The second one is from a newcomer to A Bitch Called Mom, Kara over at Visions Unto Myself.

This is, by far, my favorite because it involves cupcakes that I didn't have to bake myself. Now that's somebody who thought to herself, 'what does this bitch really need in her life?' The answer is both simple and straightforward, although my husband still can't manage to figure it out. Say it with me, moms....LESS WORK. Or better...PERSONAL CHEF. Or best of all...GORGEOUS MAN BEARING CAKE.

Thank you, thank you, thank you ladies for believing that I am award-worthy. Just in case you're wondering what the hell you were thinking giving an award to a bitch like me, let me ease your minds by saying you had no choice. You might want to pay better attention to the subliminal messages strategically placed on my page from now on. I won't say you're gullible or anything like that, but...

Speaking of cake...

Is it just me or does food taste like crap when you're PMSing? Every damn thing I put in my mouth (minds out of the gutter please) tastes like metal right now. It's gotten so bad that I've taken to eating on paper plates with plastic utensils and consuming all beverages from plastic bottles or cups. Is this some freaky pregnancy spin-off?

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I couldn't eat sugar. To answer your question before you get a chance to think about asking it, no. Neither my doctor nor my nurse midwife instructed me to stay away from sugar to preserve the health of my baby. They didn't say I was damn near diabetic or anything drastic like that. I couldn't eat sugar because every time I tried to eat something sweet, my mouth would be flooded with the taste of metal. Needless to say, it was disgusting. I mean I couldn't eat anything even remotely sweet. Not cake, not pie, not cookies, not corn flakes sprinkled with sugar. Nothing. The thought of having sugar anywhere near me made me nauseous.

As a result of my sugar drought, I only gained 10 pounds during my whole pregnancy and five of those pounds belonged to the baby. And I was a sweet person. I don't think I yelled at my husband or oldest son (the oldest daughter wasn't adopted yet and the youngest son was still a baby) for the entire 37 weeks. I also didn't curse out: cashiers, trash guys (more on them in an upcoming post), my father-in-law (whom I curse out at least twice a week), or Verizon tech support, not that they would understand me anyway. If you think that statement is racist, it's because you don't know our history. I actually had a conversation with one guy that went like this:

Guy Who Lives In India: Verizon Tech Support, how may I help you?
Me: Hello. I can't connect to the internet.
GWLII: I'm so sorry to hear that, Ma'am. I can help you take care of this problem. Garble, garble, crunch, crunch?
Me: I'm sorry. I didn't understand you. Can you say that again?
GWLII: I'm sorry, ma'am. I didn't understand you. Will you repeat that?
Me: I didn't understand what you said.
GWLII: Please repeat that, ma'am.
Me: If I can't understand you and you can't understand me, how are you going to help me with my computer?
GWLII: I'm sorry, ma'am. Can you repeat that?

Dial tone......

I'm not going to start bitching about outsourcing, but if you must outsource, can you hire the people who speak the language of those they're meant to help? I'm just saying. If Indian companies were outsourcing to America, do you think they'd hire my non-Hindi speaking ass? I understand that some people read another language better than they speak it. I can read Spanish way better than I can speak Spanish, but still I'm not getting a job taking donations for Telemundo.

I digress. Oh, I was saying what an absolute pleasure I was to be around during my last pregnancy due to a lack of sugar.

Hold the phone! I think I just figured out this whole bitch thing.

No, wait. I lost it.



Oh, yeah, I guess I'm supposed to take off my hooker heels and put on my pimp hat, so here goes. I entrust the Tanned Hide Award to the following blogs:

Crazy Ramblings of a Tired Mom
stupid stuff i see and hear
The Journey

Neither of them put up with much bullshit.

And the warm and fuzzy cupcake award goes to:

Secret Pleasures (these are cupcakes of a whole 'nother kind)...

17 comments:

  1. nice...

    while i cannot relate to being preggers, i can relate to the verizon thingy...oh how i hate when i cannot understnd the *help line asshole...and verizon sucksysk titties...jus' sayin'

    bruce and evil bruce
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    bruce johnson jadip

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  2. duh oh and

    congrats..you deserve the awards...and Kara beat me to the spanker award, cuz i was gonna give it to you...

    but that is why i love Kara...she thinks like i do...

    bruce

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  3. Welcome back to the blogosphere. You have been missed my friend! And major congratulations on your newest awards. Well deserved! ...Sounds like me, you and Bruce have a major Verizon hate-fest going on. Their tech support people are useless wankers ...but then you already know that.
    xo

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com

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  4. Cool I finally got the cupcake award. Thankyou Mrs Hyde. Oh I have missed you these last couple of days.
    Guess I might have to post a few rants to get the spanking one next. Or maybe a story...;)

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  5. Bruce, Kara gave her the cupcakes. I gave her the spanking award but it's all good. We're an incestuous lot when it comes to blog love, really.

    Mrs. Hyde, when I got the award, which I was extremely excited about myself, you were the first person I thought of. Maybe it is the subliminals...hmmmmm. Or maybe it's just because I think you are full of awesome and all that shit.

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  6. Congrats!!!!

    That phone conversation was pretty hilarious, although frustrating.

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  7. @bruce- Thanks, honey! I'll take the ass-spanking award as many times as people want to give it to me.

    @Empress- I missed you guys, too! And I promise to catch up with all my fave blogs even if it takes me all day...right after I perm my hair.

    @Mynx- Here's my thought process: I thought you already had the cupcake for Dribble, so I didn't want to bore you with the same awards over and over. Then I thought that Secret Pleasures definitely deserved an award, so I figured the 'edible' theme of the cupcake would work nicely with the naughtiness of the blog. Clever, huh?

    @Semi True- Ha! They're working like a charm! There's no way people would love me as much as they do if I didn't "help" them. ;)

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  8. @JM- YES!!! And I was already pissed because I couldn't get on the internet. I actually need to call them now because I can connect my laptops and game systems to the internet, but not my desktop. The modem is directly connected to the desktop, so I don't understand that shit at all. I've been avoiding calling them for two weeks.

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  9. I totally feel your pain about those call-in services. Thank God AT&T hasn't gone to that yet (in my experience), but I've dealt with it with other companies. You just want to tell those !@#$$#@ freakin' people to transfer you back to someone who speaks English, dammit!

    http://talkativetaurus.blogspot.com/

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  10. @Krissy- You could ask them to transfer you to someone who speaks English...but will they understand your request?

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  11. You had to go be logical on me? Well, I'm sure all of my @!$@#^&^#%#@ will get the point across that I'm not a happy camper, and that's what's important, right? What are they going to do to you? Your shit already doesn't work.

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  12. Definitely deserved. And subliminal messages? Is that why I suddenly want a starbuck's coffee everytime I read your blog? Are they paying you?!?!?!

    And the pms'ing thing:
    I am completely the opposite. I think EVERYTHING tastes like milk and honey sent straight from God during that time. I have never had a baby, though, so I don't have any input on whether that factors into it or not.

    karahoag.blogspot.com

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  13. Non-Hindi speaking ass.....Hilarious! Thanks for the Tanned Hide Award, I accept....thank you thank you. I love it when I call India and get someone named Todd or Virginia. As a matter of fact I was talking to Virginia from Xerox yesterday and while I was holding so she could bring up my account info, she asked me how I was doing today 6 times. The whole call consisted of silence.....how are you today....fine....uh huh....good....silence...... how are you today....fiiine....uh huh....good.....silence. You get the picture. Finally I was like my day has sucked ass, all I got was an uh huh.....ggooood. Whatever lady, blow me and just send the fucking tech out to fix my machine!

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  14. well you are an award whore and i am incestuous cuz i was so busy pimpin fo rmy blog that i just gave you the award you just gave me, but from my other blog cuz i have this split personality...i find this hilarious....

    so mrs. award whore er i mean Hyde....come by and get your blog love...
    (it took like five minute to type this cuz i was laughing so hard....

    bruce and Bruce's evil twin...

    blog love at bruce johnson jadip

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  15. @Krissy- LMAO! You're right. I'm on the phone with them right now. I'll let you know how it works out.

    @Kara- Hell no! But they should be. I'll take my payments in White Chocolate Mochas, please.

    @Tired Mom- You're welcome and well deserved.

    @bruce- that's why we get along so well because we both have two separate and distinct personalities. Translation: we're both fucking looney tunes!

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  16. Congrats wed deservedly and thank you for this, belatedly! I am so behind on awards and thank yous I am gonna be strung by my naps in a minute...

    But thank you, thank you. It's an honour coming from you.

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  17. Don't give it a second thought. I know you've got more important things on your plate right now. You're very welcome! Love you to pieces!

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Bitch with me, will you?