Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

As much I as do wish every one of you a happy and safe and peaceful Thanksgiving, this post is not about that. There are enough people writing about how thankful they are today, so you don't need to read about how grateful I am for my home, my family, my friends, and my blog family. And my health. And my cat. And for the ability to be a pig for about three days straight. No, none of that for me please. I came here to bitch.

Someone called me abusive today. Can you believe that shit? I'm a bitch; everyone knows that. The name of the blog warns you that the author is not some perky, midwestern housewife. But abusive? I think that's a bit harsh. I yell at people when they deserve to be yelled at. Scratch that. Most of the time what I'm doing is raising my voice to be heard over someone else's yelling. Or maybe I'm yelling at you because speaking to you in a calm tone of voice is not getting through to you, so I assume that you must be hard of hearing. I'm trying to help out. When a person is civil and fair to me and mine, I'm the same way towards them. Unless they're just stupid. Then all bets are off.

On Sunday, I was visiting with my sister and she had an old friend over. Well, she's not exactly an old friend. Her dad dated my aunt for about 15 years and our families became close. We used to pretend we were all related. You've heard of 'play cousins' right? When we were children, this girl bullied me mercilessly. She sort of  'made me' be friends with her due to the fact that I was afraid to be her enemy. So, also, was half the neighborhood. She was big and boisterous and she fought boys. 'Nuff said.

Now we're adults and I fucking hate bullies. I once almost got into a fight with a police sergeant because she was bullying and humiliating an officer, who wasn't even in her squad, because she was showing cleavage on her day off while she was hanging out with her friends. They don't like me to come to the policeman's lounge, but they can't ban me because hubby has a right to be there. Fuck'em. Back to the story.

The woman hasn't changed a bit in all these years. She's still big, she's still loud, and she's still tough. Trouble is, she's having a tough time finding people who are afraid of her now. We're adults, bitch. Nobody gives a fuck if you flap your wings and act like an ass. We're not afraid of you anymore because your secret is out: you're an insecure little girl trying to look big to keep from feeling so small. Plus, I could totally kick your ass now.

I don't go around starting fights with people, but I do know I'm extra hard on her. Don't judge me. I haven't worked out all my childhood issues. I don't have any patience for her and/or her bullshit. I have a really low tolerance for her and so I can only take her in small doses. That is why we're now having a problem because I had an overdose of this bitch. I allowed her to order a cake from me.

Long story short so you can get back to the table for another turkey leg, I took her 'deposit' (if you want to know what the deposit was, you'll have to email me. I'm not tryna go to jail over a cake) and put her order on my calendar even though I don't usually take last minute orders. In hindsight, my first mistake was going against my own policy. I texted her on Monday to make sure she still wanted her cake because she's a flake like that. I let her know that she needed to pick her cake up on Tuesday and if she didn't call or text me, I wasn't baking her cake because I can't be bothered with unnecessary shit. No phone call, no return text. I baked the cake anyway because I did have her deposit.

Tuesday came and went. She didn't call or show or text. I talked to her Tuesday night and she said she still wanted her cake and please don't sell it. She would come at 10:30 on Wednesday morning to get it. Ten thirty came, then 11:30, then 1:30. She called at 2:21 PM and said she was on her way to my house to get her cake. Was this bitch serious? So between that time yesterday and about two hours I go, I repeatedly tried to explain to her why I owe her neither a cake nor a refund, but she's upset. She called me unprofessional and then when I cussed her ass out, I'm abusive.

To quote my new blog friend Bruce: fuck you, asshole!

Now stop avoiding your crazy ass family and go enjoy yourself. If nothing else, you can get wasted and 'accidentally' reveal all your family's secrets to each other. That'll make a good story to tell the rest of us tomorrow.

Oh! BTFW, please check out my guest post over at Can U Relate? I don't want to give you any hints on what it's about, but needless to say, I killed that shit. Thanks, Semi True Torystellar for letting me crash your blog!


  1. Sounds like your play cousin thinks that putting out a $1 means she gets to have control over a person/situation. The idea that she can agree to your rules and change them at will.

    You can't explain anything to her 'cause in her mind, as long as her dollar is involved, she's in the right. She must be hell to service people that she encounters.

    No more orders from known assholes. 'kay?

  2. I loved this. Not that you have someone in your life who is a large, loud, bullying flake head but that you told her off. I don't find you at all abusive. But then I've so far not done anything to warrant having your ire directed at me. I plan to keep it that way.

    Your post is up on my blog, come by and check it out. You'll find a little something special for you there too! MWAH!!! *that's kisses* Enjoy your Thanksgiving.

  3. Double Mrs Hyde in one morning, absolute freak'n bliss (I still need to practice saying fuck, I am not so good at it). What a waste of space that women. Is she on some sort of power trip? You have a business to run. Miss an appointment with the bank, stiff shit. Your problem not theirs. Same deal. Lova ya girl

  4. bitch mom...

    fuckin hi.lar.ious...definitely a case for a fuck you asshole

    thanks muchly for the bitchin' bloglove!!! i

    so BitchOut Yo!
    you rock my world!!!
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    <a href="</a>

  5. did you eat it in front of her when she showed up and gloat about how delicious it was? because that would have been well within your right. ^_^

  6. @Sullie- You already know!
    @Semi True- Thanks for the award and what perfect timing. "Because some crap should not be put up with." I love it!
    @Mynx- Oh, if you hang around here, you'll be saying fuck like a pro! Love you back!
    @Bruce- I thought the situation was perfect for an FYA! It's my new fave.
    @Vencora- I didn't eat it in front of her, but I did eat it. It was freakin' delicious!

  7. OMG I have a friend like this. Constantly flaking on me and doing just really dumb shit to piss me off. The only reason I remain friends with her is because of her daughter whom I adore to pieces. I really hate it.

    P.S. The cake looks yummy. Should have sent it to me :)

  8. She sounds like a nasty freaking troll. Since she had no respect for your efforts or time then too effing bad that there was no cake for her once she finally rolled her inconsiderate ass up to your place. High five to you my sister from a different mister. Happy Thanksgiving! xo

  9. @JM- I wish I had sent it to you. At least I know it would have been appreciated. Also, your other comment was so funny I almost posted it anyway!

    @Empress- That's exactly what she is. In fact, I'm going to change the entry for her in my cell from 'Real Name' to 'Nasty Troll". Thanks! Love you to pieces!

  10. I'm with you 100%. When I was in 7th grade, the peek of my low self-esteem (as is the case with most girls that age) there were these two best friends in the grade above me who bullied me mercilessly. I fucking HATED them. As embarrassing as it is to admit, there was one time I was walking down the hall and one of the girls spit on me. If that happened two years later I would have dominated that chick's face with my fist. But I was meek and they were popular and I didn't. So years later one of the girls ends up knowing some people I know and hanging out at the same places on occasion. I still fucking despised her. My friends told me that it was years ago and we were kids, so I should learn to forgive her. Screw that. I'm with you. That type of meanness doesn't go away and those people deserve to get their ass chewed out.

  11. Here's the thing, IG, if she were a different person now or if she had grown up at all in the last 25 years, I could have forgiven her and maybe we could have been friends. But I have both grown up AND developed a healthy self-esteem, so that I just won't tolerate people trying to walk all over me.
    I understand how you and I feel about bullying, but I also understand where your friends are coming from. As a rule, I try not to hold on to the past, but some people won't let you let go.
    FYI, I'm not opposed to cornering your bully and mine in a dark alley and knocking them around a bit.

  12. thank you for not posting about all the shit you're thankful for. i've heard enough of all that and cooking disasters this week. that bitch sounds like a real pain in the ass. i hate that shit: grow up.

  13. Holly, would you say that you're 'thankful' that I didn't post what I was thankful for? She is a pain in the ass. That's why I usually don't deal with her. I am kicking the shit out of myself right now.

  14. 1. Ha. I love when people try and throw their weight around because no on is obeying them. Just goes to show that sometimes bullies grow up to be very whiny adults.

    2. Blog Love. There's some at my blog. Come claim it.

  15. @Kara- Whiny, dumbass adults. Can't forget the dumbass part.

    Thanks for the blog love, honey! I ♥ cupcakes.


Bitch with me, will you?