It Won't Kill You to be Normal

My ass hurts.

Ouch.

I'm sure all you perverts are coming up with countless scenarios as to why that is. Could I have given hubby an extra special valentine's day present?  Hell no. Exit only, please.

Could I have been taking horseback riding lessons? Yes, but not recently.

My ass hurts because people, in general, are a pain in my ass. Not just my kids and people I know, either. People from all over the world, all walks of life, people of all races and genders and religions and body mass indices get on my fucking nerves.

I know you're asking yourself, because you'd better not dare ask me, is it all those people or is it Mrs. Hyde? It stands to reason that if you have a problem between an entire group of people and one lone person, that the problem would lie with the [delusional] individual. It seems highly unlikely that the issue would be hundreds upon hundreds of other people instead of just the one little old me.

Trust me, it's them.

I even have a special name for them. I call them...dumbasses. Speaking of dumbasses, The Dumbass of the Week for the week ending 2/12 was Gangster Church. Google New Rising Missionary Baptist Church and tell them of the high honor they have achieved for themselves over at ABCM.

The dumbass about whom I'd like to bitch today is Maureen.

Maureen is a woman I saw on the TV show My Strange Addiction. Maureen is a fifty-something (don't quote me) woman who is addicted to makeup. More specifically, she is addicted to green eyeliner. Maureen, my friends, is a dumbass.

As I attempted to catch up on  my Tivo'd episodes of this show on TLC, I watched her talk about how severe her addiction to makeup really is. She spends four hours putting on makeup everyday. The only time her face goes unpainted is when she showers in the morning, which means that she sleeps in full fucking makeup. She visited a tattoo artist to see about having green eyeliner permanently tattooed to her eyelids. Green. Eyeliner. I shit you not. Even I can't make this stuff up. The tattoo artist was confused as to why a sane person would want permanent green eyeliner. She said to Maureen, "Bitch, if you wear a blue top one day, you're going to look real fucking stupid with permanent green eyeliner around your tired ass eyes." I'm paraphrasing, of course. Maureen replied, "I wear green eyeliner everyday no matter what color I have on." The tattoo artist was speechless. I wasn't. But then, she couldn't hear me screaming at her through the TV.

Apparently, somebody forgot to tell this bitch that she is FIFTY. Oh, and that she looks like the Poltergeist clown.


I realize that I am eating this voyeuristic crap up like a lard ass at a buffet...or...me...at a buffet, but since when does every dumbass thing that dumbass people like to hitch their dumbass brains to qualify as an addiction?

That bitch is not addicted to makeup.

That bitch is fucking crazy.

She got it in her head that if she never takes that ugly makeup off, she can, somehow, hold on to the way she looked in 1969 when that shit was in style. Question: was it ever in style? And if so, why? Her skin looks so leathery that if she opens her mouth in public, someone might mistake her head for an overnight bag. I'd shut the hell up if I were her.

If she wants to know about addiction, I'll tell her about the time my mother left an eight-year-old me and my four younger siblings at home alone for three days while she satisfied her heroine jones. That's addiction. Or the time the doctor told my father that if he didn't stop drinking, the corrosion of his liver and pancreas was going to kill him, yet my dad kept drinking. That's addiction. Makeup is not a fucking addiction. An obsession, maybe. Making your face look like a handbag, for sure. But an addiction? Fuck no.

Wash your face, get over the idea that the Six Million Dollar Man is going to leave the Bionic Woman for you,  and give your poor skin a rest, lady.

The sad part is, aside from all the damage she's done to her skin, she's actually pretty without all that goop. She looks about ten years younger than she does with it on. She looks normal.

Why the fuck does the whole world hate normal?