Wednesday, February 16, 2011

It Won't Kill You to be Normal

My ass hurts.

Ouch.

I'm sure all you perverts are coming up with countless scenarios as to why that is. Could I have given hubby an extra special valentine's day present?  Hell no. Exit only, please.

Could I have been taking horseback riding lessons? Yes, but not recently.

My ass hurts because people, in general, are a pain in my ass. Not just my kids and people I know, either. People from all over the world, all walks of life, people of all races and genders and religions and body mass indices get on my fucking nerves.

I know you're asking yourself, because you'd better not dare ask me, is it all those people or is it Mrs. Hyde? It stands to reason that if you have a problem between an entire group of people and one lone person, that the problem would lie with the [delusional] individual. It seems highly unlikely that the issue would be hundreds upon hundreds of other people instead of just the one little old me.

Trust me, it's them.

I even have a special name for them. I call them...dumbasses. Speaking of dumbasses, The Dumbass of the Week for the week ending 2/12 was Gangster Church. Google New Rising Missionary Baptist Church and tell them of the high honor they have achieved for themselves over at ABCM.

The dumbass about whom I'd like to bitch today is Maureen.
Maureen
Maureen is a woman I saw on the TV show My Strange Addiction. Maureen is a fifty-something (don't quote me) woman who is addicted to makeup. More specifically, she is addicted to green eyeliner. Maureen, my friends, is a dumbass.

As I attempted to catch up on  my Tivo'd episodes of this show on TLC, I watched her talk about how severe her addiction to makeup really is. She spends four hours putting on makeup everyday. The only time her face goes unpainted is when she showers in the morning, which means that she sleeps in full fucking makeup. She visited a tattoo artist to see about having green eyeliner permanently tattooed to her eyelids. Green. Eyeliner. I shit you not. Even I can't make this stuff up. The tattoo artist was confused as to why a sane person would want permanent green eyeliner. She said to Maureen, "Bitch, if you wear a blue top one day, you're going to look real fucking stupid with permanent green eyeliner around your tired ass eyes." I'm paraphrasing, of course. Maureen replied, "I wear green eyeliner everyday no matter what color I have on." The tattoo artist was speechless. I wasn't. But then, she couldn't hear me screaming at her through the TV.

Apparently, somebody forgot to tell this bitch that she is FIFTY. Oh, and that she looks like the Poltergeist clown.


I realize that I am eating this voyeuristic crap up like a lard ass at a buffet...or...me...at a buffet, but since when does every dumbass thing that dumbass people like to hitch their dumbass brains to qualify as an addiction?

That bitch is not addicted to makeup.

That bitch is fucking crazy.

She got it in her head that if she never takes that ugly makeup off, she can, somehow, hold on to the way she looked in 1969 when that shit was in style. Question: was it ever in style? And if so, why? Her skin looks so leathery that if she opens her mouth in public, someone might mistake her head for an overnight bag. I'd shut the hell up if I were her.

If she wants to know about addiction, I'll tell her about the time my mother left an eight-year-old me and my four younger siblings at home alone for three days while she satisfied her heroine jones. That's addiction. Or the time the doctor told my father that if he didn't stop drinking, the corrosion of his liver and pancreas was going to kill him, yet my dad kept drinking. That's addiction. Makeup is not a fucking addiction. An obsession, maybe. Making your face look like a handbag, for sure. But an addiction? Fuck no.

Wash your face, get over the idea that the Six Million Dollar Man is going to leave the Bionic Woman for you,  and give your poor skin a rest, lady.

The sad part is, aside from all the damage she's done to her skin, she's actually pretty without all that goop. She looks about ten years younger than she does with it on. She looks normal.

Why the fuck does the whole world hate normal?

41 comments:

  1. I don't see how green eyeliner is an addiction unless it's an addiction to stupid. Even -I- would consider that weird and I'm a huge oddball!!

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  2. Oh I love this post. I agree with you, that bitch is crazy not obsessed.

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  3. Seriously? I was raised in the south and blue and green eyeliner was sort of in fashion here for a while....in the 80s.

    She needs to stop and you need to promise never ever to post another evil clown pic on your blog. I love you dearly but, yes, I'm one of those people. Clownaphobe.

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  4. Oh and as for the problem with being normal....when you are normal you don't get to be on tv shows to get your 15 mins of famosity. And if they paid her anything it really should go to a shrink.

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  5. Simply put that bitch is a fucking attention whore and is so uninteresting that she's created some bullshit addiction so people will look at her and go WTF because otherwise she's about as relevant as a forgotten belch. If even that.

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  6. Oh, and p.s. - She's not even crazy either. Just pathetic.

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  7. four hours every day just to put on her makeup...?

    at least it looks like it's totally worth it.

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  8. AAAAHHHH! The clown! I hate clowns! Okay, sorry. (They really are scary, though.)

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  9. I saw that episode! Yes, I'm ashamed to admit I'm addicted to watching "My Strange Addiction." I can't stop watching it even though I know it only gives attention-seeking, pathetic losers more attention. I can't help myself!!! I need to go on TV and talk about my addiction to stupid-ass TV shows! HELP ME....

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  10. wow who knew this kind of crazy exist great post

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  11. That entire show is crazy, but this one has to be on the top 5 list of weird shit.

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  12. I can't watch the show. Too crazy for me. I watched the glass eating episode and that was it for me!

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  13. Love this post, there are SO MANY dumbasses in this world and I hate all of them lol.

    And this woman is crazy! I wonder what her husband thinks...or how much money she spends on make up a month.

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  14. Agreed. That woman is a sad, scary-looking wackadoodle that gives Tammy Faye Baker a run for the money when it comes to cosmetics overkill. Maybe she was in a circus in another life hence her current obsession. But whatever the f*ck her problem is, I doubt anyone really gives a shit.

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com/

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  15. that's just weird... green eyeliner? I didn't even know they made that shit.

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  16. love this show...and I love your blog! It is like my inner-thoughts have their own blog...and it is your blog. You are the voice that runs through my head...I laughed out loud again today, thank you. I will now go find the episode of the lady with green eye-liner and watch it!

    Cheers!

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  17. Would love to peel away the layers and find out what's underlying to cause this obsession. Then I'm sure you will see a very, very f**ked up bitch! You are so cool Mrs.Hyde.

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  18. I'm pretty sure I saw her on peopleofwalmart.com.

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  19. Dear Good God....doesn't she really look in the mirror ever? Weird!

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  20. okay mrs hyde!
    apparently you need a job and or a new hobby because its obvious you have neither when you can sit here all day long on the computer & waste your time, write an entire article about my beautiful mother when you don't even no her! its apparent your unhappy with yourself for you to sit there and write all these negative things about other people...my advice grow up get a life & grow some class you look & sound like a complete dirtbag with your trashy mouth! did you ever think for 2 seconds my mother got paid to do this show?! & if you ask me, you could definatly use just as much make up as shes wearing!! misery loves company thats probly why you sit on the computer all day long for people to agree with your ridiculous nonscence, your sad & i feel sorry for you!

    p.s...whatever you have to say about me or my mother will never phase either one of us considering where happy with ourselves & who we are.. so have fun sitting your ass online all day long making fun out of other people...&& GOD BLESS u sad bitch! :) <3

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  21. SAME goes for the rest of you sad ass people, im 19 years old telling you all you need to grow the fuck up..not only because its my mother your talking about but because you are all adults sounding like sad little JEALOUS children!

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  22. Couldn't have said it better if I tried! That's an obsession/compulsion but not an addiction. She wouldn't go into withdrawl without makeup, vomit, get the shakes, etc...she'd be freaking fine. Psychotic-sure...addicted no. What a freak show.

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  23. Obsession, yes. Crazy, totally. Addicted, no. I hate the way people throw that word around as an excuse for behavior that can't be explained otherwise without prozac and drool.

    Great post!

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  24. @Rancher Mom- I'm an oddball, too and it's still weird.

    @OT- I think she knows EXACTLY what she's doing.

    @Tory- So sorry to have freaked you out. i'll warn you next time. You are so wise. I never remember the 15-minutes-of-fame bit, but you can bet I won't forget it anymore.

    @Micael- Welcome back, gorgeous! I've missed you around here. It amazes me what people will do for attention. If you think she's crazy, scroll up the comments and check out her daughter.

    @Lucky- It was damn sure worth it for me.

    @Hannah- I'm so sorry. I didn't realize so many people were afraid of clowns.

    @Lolamouse- You should do that! Why the hell shouldn't you get paid to go on TV and talk about your made-up addiction? Everyone else apparently is.

    @Becca- It exists and it reproduces.

    @JM- I think they've only scratched the surface.

    @Manager- Yeah, sometimes I have to fast forward through some of the segments.

    @Alice- What husband?

    @Empress- I think you're on to something with the past-lives thing.

    @Amber- That's the same thing I said!

    @Hockey Wife- I know how you feel. There's a blogger who I feel is always reading my mind. I just write what everyone is thinking, but is afraid to type. My parents are dead, so I don't have to censor myself. I probably should though. But I won't.

    @Barb- I'm almost certain the makeup is just a cover for a deeper issue.

    @OMS- I wouldn't be surprised.

    @Caterpillar- Sadly, yes she does.

    @Bitch- Thanks so much for tomorrow's blog topic. I had no idea what I was going to write about. If you're wondering what that loud, tearing sound is, that'll be me ripping you a new asshole.

    @Jewels- I'm sure I could be addicted to lots of things if you paid me to do it on TV.

    @Bella- So do I and that is precisely why I wrote this post. I'm glad you get it.

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  25. I am so going to be reading tomorrow!!!

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  26. @YOURASADBITCH: YOU'REASADBITCH

    Fixed that for ya.

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  27. We all agree that we love this blog and while I'm so sure that Mrs. Hyde can take care of herself (and how!) and the ripping of YOURASADBITCH's new asshole will be quite the entertaining read, maybe we shouldn't feed the troll.

    We need to let this blog, one of my personal faves among many, be a troll free zone for Mrs. Hyde.

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  28. oooooohhhh! This is for realz! CRAZY is right.....and I can't wait to read today....mmmmm, if she got paid, maybe she should've let them keep that check and keep her problem private....when you go public people talk, and you ain't always gonna like what they say....When you're crazy you should be told and this chick needed to be told.

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  29. I read this earilier, but had to run and hide in the closet because the clown scared me...

    Maybe it truly is an addiction: an addiction to stupid.

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  30. Wow. Just read the other comments, which I don't always have time to do. Haters be hatin' big time. Miss Bitch, kindly chill out, yes? Because your little girl tantrum is boring and nearly have me a fucking headache.

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  31. I stumbled upon your blog a few days ago. I must say, I think I've found my soul mate. ;) I LOVE what you've got going here. Awesome stuff, lady.

    BTW, as for Little Miss Hater up above, I pretty much stopped paying attention to anything she had to say when she typed "no" when she meant "know." If you are going to act superior to others, AT LEAST take the time to make sure your insult is free from grammatical and spelling errors. That little squiggly line under your words? It means you've misspelled something, you simple bitch.

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  32. cakeologist- You won't be disappointed.

    Mollie- I've taken the liberty of correcting her mistakes in my rebuttal. Great minds think alike.

    Tory- Thank you for being so protective of me. Normally I would agree with you, but I think this youngster needs to learn a lesson her mama obviously hasn't taught her.

    Mamma- Exactly. I don't mind being called on my bullshit and if you go on TV with yours, you shouldn't mind it either.

    Katsidhe- Again, I'm so sorry about the clown. I didn't realize so many people were afraid of them.

    Amanda- I just said that in my rebuttal! I guess it's true that birds of a feather flock together. Welcome to the madness and please come back!

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  33. sdo fucking brilliant...i got nothing!

    loved it!

    Bruce
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    dreamodeling!
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

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  34. Well ocd can be bad, yes not an adduction but she has no control over ocd if that's what it is.

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  35. Bruce- Thanks, hon!

    Jennifer- I agree with you which is why I said that she has an obsession with makeup, not an addiction. OCD can be bad, but denial, over which one has complete control, can prevent her from getting the help she needs.

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  36. Damn. Skip reading blogs a couple days and miss all the fun!

    I feel really sorry for that woman. Sincerely. Know how when you're a teen and need makeup the least, you glop it on, thinking it looks good?

    And as you get older, you realize how unimportant it really is, and you finally grow up.

    She didn't.
    She's not mentally healthy, that's all.
    Not sure about her bitch-ness. Could be. May not.

    I don't watch television... this post hasn't made me change my mind.
    :)

    It did make me laugh, though.

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  37. Ami- She may or may not be a bitch. I use the term 'bitch' as a blanket. I call everyone bitches: women, men, teenagers, goats...doesn't matter to me. I call my sisters and girlfriends bitches and I love them dearly. Guess you have to really know me to know that it doesn't mean that much when I say it.

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  38. Well I dont know about you, but I doubt she would steal from her mother or suck a strangers dick in an alley way to score some makeup.

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  39. Jess- I sure as hell hope not...

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  40. Omg, why don't you live and let live huh? Make-up is crazy? Geez...if she likes it so be it. You lot are fuckin sad moaners

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  41. Marijus- This post is from February 2011. We've all moved on. You should, too.

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Bitch with me, will you?