Thursday, March 24, 2011

Sister Wife Wanted

Like I have a tendency to do when I'm getting my lazy, fat girl on, I sat down with a big piece of birthday pie to catch up on my favorite TV shows and others that pique my interest. Here is where I gloss over the fact that not one of you came over here on Sunday to wish me a happy birthday. It's okay. It's not like I feel unloved or anything. I'll have to tell you about how I went to Atlantic City to celebrate all by myself in another post.

Okay, so maybe I should have mentioned that my birthday was coming up. Whatever. Thirty-eight, thirty-nine, it really doesn't matter because when people ask about my age, I will continue to say "thirty" like it's the truest thing since the Big Bad Wolf.

Speaking of wolves, why is there a wolf in so many fairy tales? What the hell do we have against wolves? What do wolves really represent in fairy tales? I'll have to look into that.

Sorry ADD moment over...maybe.



Anyway, I was watching an episode of Sister Wives that I had recorded. I used to record the whole series, but there's enough bitching about husbands and kids in my life as it is, so now I just record on an as-needed basis. As in I need to know how this one dude convinced four separate women, fucking four, to marry him and have his babies...concurrently. Women can't share bathrooms, opinions on parenting, or recipes, let alone husbands. You know you left out an ingredient when you gave your best friend your grandmother's apple pie recipe. Here she is wondering why hers doesn't even come close to tasting like yours and you're giggling inside your head. Don't even get me started on the discovery that some other woman owns the same outfit as you, like the designer only made one. But this man actually made it sound like a good idea to four different women that they all be married to him and share his love, affection, home, and penis at the same time. That's a charming mother fucker right there, folks.

As I watched yesterday's episode (don't know what day it originally aired as I hardly ever watch live TV) I started thinking about what the advantages would be of having a sister wife. Let's bullet point them, shall we?


  • It would be nice to have someone around who can be calm when I'm being a bitch. I can't count how many times I've said to hubby, "When I'm in bitch mode, you need to pick up my slack like I do for you. We can't both be bitches at the same time. They may be poster kids for birth control, but we do love them. Don't we? Really, I need you to tell me how we feel about them." I need someone who gets that. Someone who will relay the message to my clueless kids that I'm in a crappy grumpy mood and should be given some space at that time.  
  • Do you know how much money I would pay when I'm not in the mood for sex to simply say, "It's Mabel's turn. Go ask her."? Then Mabel would do the wifely duties thing and I wouldn't have to deal with the morning-after-no-sex grouchiness. Big. I'd pay big.
  • And speaking of sex, it would be cool to have someone with whom to commiserate and share notes on hubby's, um, style. Don't get me wrong, he has a knack for getting me there (TMI, I know), but after 17 years of marriage (which I also recently celebrated), things have a tendency to get predictable. Tweak nipples...vulva rub...now a little oral...stroke, stroke, stroke, BIG FINISH...damn, I don't feel like getting up to go pee. Not necessarily in that order or time frame. Mabel and I could brainstorm ways to spice up chandelier-swinging and I wouldn't be left to scour the internet for hours on end all by my lonesome. (If you don't hear from me in awhile, it's because this bullet point has caused my demise.)
  • If there were a second or third or fourth woman around here, I could drop the guilt about how I only occasionally contribute to the family's finances. I'd put those bitches to work and I could continue to run the household and write and blog and get fat without a trace of guilt. Why the hell should I worry about getting fat? He has three other wives to gawk at. Let their asses be anorexic. Pardon me while I get another slice of Lemon Supreme Pie. No, really. I'm about to stop typing to take the clothes out of the dryer and since I'll be downstairs anyway, cut myself a fucking enormous modest slice of pie. Be right back.

Okay, where was I?

I'm just saying that they might be on to something. They are under investigation right now and the husband could possibly go to jail for being a bigamist. I don't understand that at all. He's only legally married to the first wife, but lives with and raises families with all the others. Since when is that a crime? If living with a whole shitload of people is a crime, I know a whole lot of families in the 'hood that now have one more thing to worry about.

So what's the problem? They're just saying that he has four wives. Forget about the love and values they share, he doesn't really, legally have four wives. It's not a crime to say shit, freedom of speech and all that. I could say that I'm the Queen of England, but if I roll my black ass up in Buckingham Palace with that bullshit, I'm coming back out feet first. Does that make it wrong that I said it? Maybe in the UK, but I'm not really sure and I don't give enough of a shit to look it up right now.

The government is just mad because they can't tax him four times. Or perhaps that their chronic state of stick-up-my-assness prevents them from being charismatic enough to have four women, who get along with each other, agree to bear their seed and fuck them proper like.

Suggestion, assholes: stop trying to deny people the label of 'family.' There are all different kinds of families. My best friend is more like a sister to me and I sometimes introduce her as such. Will I be arrested for that? Growing up, and I still see kids do this today, I used to pretend that my friends were my cousins. How come you didn't lock me up and throw away the key? Surely, I was a menace to society showing all that love to people who didn't even share my blood.

This is a free fucking country! Why are we letting these bastards decide whom and how we can love?

I'll tell you one thing, though. I'd hate to be around when all four of those bitches hit PMS at the same time.

30 comments:

  1. Great Blog! (as usual) Just two points. (1) I have those ADD moments as well. (2) Agreed on the PMS as the same time. That good be very bad!

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  2. I'm not really sure why someone would want to be married to that many people in the 1st place. Seems like a lot of work to me. More than I'd be willing to do for sure!

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  3. And another point in sex, the hubby would find it hot to have a fivesome!

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  4. That was hilarious :) all four PMSing *shudder* LOL
    BTW..I should not have read this aloud to hubby!!!

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  5. Happy Belated Birthday Wishes my dear bloggy friend. Also, congrats on your anniversary as well. Please accept this as my virtual cheers to you.

    While it really isn't anyone's business if four woman want to share one man and his penis, I know I sure as hell wouldn't go down that track. Something seems a bit off about the entire situation but if harem man is only legally married to one of those woman then he isn't technically breaking any laws.

    Thanks again for voting for me in the blogging tournament. Voting closes tomorrow and the competition is giving me hell.

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  6. Oh you know all those bitches cycle at the same time, cause that's how it happens when females live together usually.

    Having grown up in Utah, polygamy was just a normal every day word. So that show's premise wasn't much of a surprise. But, just like the polygamists in Utah, they law will only go after them if it's somehow made public. Because apparently they have to make examples of them or whatever. Not that there is anything that the law can do in this family's case if he is only legally married to one of them.
    To me, it's just further proof that men are difficult as all hell. It takes 4 women to deal with just one man, seriously!!

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  7. And happy belated birthday & anniversary! You're supposed to warn us of these things so we can spam your wall with birthday wishes, ya know. ;)

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  8. Happy Belated Birthday for Sunday!! Lemon supreme pie...yummy! Kiwi hugs :)

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  9. I cant believe I missed your birthday lovely lady. I hope you had a wonderful day and I think you have some very valid points. I reckon I need a sister wife that enjoys doing ironing and cleaning bathrooms.

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  10. Happy Belated Birthday. You could have given us a heads up! If you did, I missed it. Sorry sweetie! Hugs.

    As for these 'sister wives', I couldn't do it. I need to rule the roost and I'd kick the others asses if I wanted sex but it wasn't my night!

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  11. Happy birthday!! I celebrated mine yesterday. And congrats on making it 17 years. You're man is blessed to have you!

    Now, I think that the Mormon women are on to something and I said that shit before. I'm Catholic and may convert just to cut down my responsibility in the house. Since I'm wife number 1 I would have authority to approve or reject all other candidates for the sister wife position. That means I get to test their cleaning, cooking and child caring skills. Bitches would be busy in my house. I would get my quality time and walk time. Hell I don't want to get all worked up so yes...sister jolynn and sister maryjo handle the cooking and children while I nap!

    Mormon women are smart enough to make the men think they're in control when really he's the puppet and provider. Smart ass women I tell you....smart ass women!

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  12. I am thinking about laundry. I could get one of the other wives to do the laundry.

    Everything else is optional.

    But the laundry....


    Happy Belated 30th.

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  13. birthday? fuck me freddy! see, i knew there was something i forgot...damn..happy number 30(ish) daaaalllingh!

    you rock my world, Hyde!

    as far as 4 wives...that would be a fuckeroo for me...i can't even even deal with one bitching at me... why the fuck would i want more?

    4x bitching? yeah sign me up for that shit pronto!

    and give me a prefontal lobobtomy, stat...

    and now with my daughter, being prime "it's all the fuck about me. age 16", i am mr the miserable...

    that is why i have guy nights and my evil twin blog...without those 2 things, i would prolly be in jail for killing someone...

    well, those two, drinking and vicodin....

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  14. Let me tell you, I asked my girlfriend if I could have more than one girlfriend (after watching this show and finding it to be the best con-job ever)... but she wasn't thrilled with the idea.

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  15. I couldn't do that. You know mother nature would set in and all those women would pms all at one time!!! 4 bitches in the house at one time is 4 too many. But I guess I could tolerate if all 4 of them were bisexual.

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  16. Living in Utah, I am familiar with polygamy, but usually you just hear about the 70 year old man marrying his 12 year old niece. I saw nothing wrong with the Polygamists in Sister Wives. I thought it might even be a pretty good idea. I could have a wife to take care of my kids, one to cook for me, one to do the laundry, one to do the housekeeping. I actually wrote a post about it because one would have to be a well-skilled plastic surgeon so I could get free plastic surgery to stay looking young and beautiful since I was going to be the lazy sit on my ass and eat cake all day wife.

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  17. I meant to add a happy belated birthday wish to my comment, but forgot. With the crazy sleep schedule I have right now, things only stay in my head for about 1.5 seconds!

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  18. i think you're right. they're just jealous of this guy's ability to get 4 woman. but you're also right about the pms thing. so, really, before they judge the guy, they should walk a mile in his shoes, or, rather, spend five certain days or so in his house. that'd shut 'em up.

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  19. Happy Belated Birthday!

    And you know those bitches are all going to line up and PMS at the same time.

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  20. Happy belated birthday. No idea how I missed it. Mine was on the 15th of this month so we have something else in common!!

    Anyway, I watched this show for the first time ever (yes, I know I'm a little slow on the uptick) last week and I've been ruminating about it for a week now and was considering blogging about it. *warning, I feel a copycat blog post coming on* My opinion on it will be different from yours. I don't want any sister wives. That would be because I'm a jealous woman. That's right, I said it. I don't share well.

    I do have to agree with you on one thing....and I said it several times while watching the show "if it works for them...who am I to say they aren't family". I am a firm believer that no one should impose their morality on others. Who are they hurting, really?

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  21. Happy belated birthday, Mrs. Hyde! Tonight I will salute your birthday - with vodka.

    Anyway, I question the sanity of that husband and all of his wives. Guess I'm just not into cootie sharing. I wonder how they will feel when one of their sons starts sleeping around? Hmmm....

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  22. i'm over here visiting from semi-true's blog. and i've got to say, i'm with you on this one. it seems like we could form a co-op of sorts & work out who likes which job best. i'll do the laundry as long as i never have to cook. i think maybe ami up above there could be one of my sister wives. =) and btw, nice to meet you, bitchmom!

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  23. Restaurant- And you KNOW it's gonna happen that way. It's inevitable.

    Belle- Too much damned work. Having extra husbands would be like having extra kids.

    Runaway- yeah, he'd find it hot, but would he be able to keep up?

    Yesterday- Sorry, didn't mean to give any ideas/suggestions to the hubby.

    Empress- Thank you! It feels good to finally turn thirty.

    Rancher- Excellent point! Men are such babies...Thanks for the bday wishes!

    Miss Vicki- Thanks! Hugs back at ya!

    Mynx- They say that every woman needs a wife. Makes so much sense.

    Barb- I'm sure you guys could work out some sort of bartering system. Like...she lets you have her sex night and you have to run the PTA meetings for a month.

    Mamma- Happy belated bday to you! Yes, those women are freaking geniuses.

    Ami- Thanks so much. I'm thinking I need one of them to clean my bathroom. With six of us and one working bathroom, it gets pretty ugly pretty darn quick.

    Bruce- if it weren't for vodka, I'd have been in jail a long time ago.

    Sunshine- Don't give up so easily. She'll soon come to realize that she is the one who is actually getting the most out of it...

    OT- No can do. Apparently, there's no freaky deeky going on in there. The dude only bangs one wife at a time...

    Cakeologist- A sister wife who's also a plastic surgeon. I'm completely convinced now. Where the hell do I sign up?

    I Shit You Not- Hey! Haven't seen you around here in awhile. Glad to know that you enjoyed the post.

    Lovkyne- That would shut them up BIG TIME! And he seems like such a calm man...but then why wouldn't he? He gets sex whenever he wants.

    Kara- Thank you! Of course they will because I suspect that Mother Nature's sense of humor is just as twisted as mine.

    Tory- Happy belated bday to you, my sister! Your response post was hilarious and as I said, I considered the advantages of brother husbands, too. But I was thinking that having four husbands would be like having four extra kids...

    OMS- Thanks, honey! They will probably throw him a party so he can pick out which ones he wants.

    Sherilin- Welcome and thanks for stopping by! I hope this won't be your last time visiting with us.

    Everyone, notice how I just hooked up a future sister wife connection...Good luck Sherilin and Ami. lol Keep us posted!

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  24. "You know you left out an ingredient when you gave your best friend your grandmother's apple pie recipe. Here she is wondering why hers doesn't even come close to tasting like yours and you're giggling inside your head."

    This made me laugh so hard because my grandmother did this to my mother (a woman that came out of her own body) with her cream of broccoli soup. My mumma confronted her about it and Graom finally admitted that she couldn't reliquish the recipe.

    PMS x4. Umm...pass?

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  25. Great post.
    Girl you are so dam funny.

    And I needed a laugh, with my son now being gone for over four weeks, I definitely needed a laugh.

    I also wanted to let you know that my main blog is now strictly reviews/giveaways like it was supposed to be all along...oops :)

    My personal blog is at:

    http://karmaroxx.blogspot.com/

    ~Steph

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  26. Hello Mrs. Hyde,
    Bear with my bitchery for a moment, would you? You've touched on a couple of issues that always work my nerves. First - you mentioned guilt over "not contributing to the household's finances"? What the fuck, Mrs. Hyde? Do you not take care of all 4 kids? Prepare all the meals? Ferry the kids everywhere their little narrow asses need to go? Wash all the damn clothes? Take care of the house and everyone in it? Seriously, how much would all those services would cost if hubby had to buy them? A hell of a damn lot, that's how much. This idea that traditional "Women's work" has no economic value is a lie of the goddamn patriarchy.
    Next, those Sister Wives. Or, InCester Wives if you prefer. I think those are some dumb bitches for sure - wife number 1 is an OD waiting to happen. I can't belive the fuckery and unmitigated jackassery they put up with - but hey, they're grown-ass women and entitled to fuck up their lives as they see fit. I feel sorry for the children though. There is no way on heaven or earth that baby daddy has enough time, energy, and money to take care of all those kids properly. Sharing a husband means your kids have to share their daddy - and we all know how well THAT works out. I wish bitches would stop messing with sorry-ass men, good dick or not. Then maybe their sorry selves might be motivated to do right. Thanks for letting me bitch. You rock, Mrs. Hyde.

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    1. Jennifer, you're absolutely right! That whole guilt thing was something I was dealing with at the time, but trust me, I am completely over that shit. Thanks for the reality check! You rock as well!

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  27. Hi every one stumbled on to this site. What a blast. A sister wife would be great for me. I could work and she could take care of the house and kids for me( and the husband) after all I am Mormon.As long as she wanted kids and willing to have many, I could go for it for sure. Oh yeah 21 and college educated. We could make it work. as for the Browns he is a cocky S.O.B. I would not have him and would want to share him as much as possible.Any one who acts like him yuck...

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    1. Hi there, Karen! Thanks for stopping by. Yeah...he does think he's pretty hot shit. The more wives he gets, the bigger his ego probably gets.

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Bitch with me, will you?