Gimme That Good...Um...Love

Mary J. Blige has a song called Good Love. I couldn't find a video on YouTube (imagine that), but if you're interested, here's the song.

Good Love features a rapper by the name of T.I. I'm not about to bore you with the details of his rap sheet, no pun intended, I actually want to talk about this song. Specifically, T.I.'s part of the song. There is a line he has that I consider to be the ultimate hook-up line. Ordinarily, I'm not big on corny pick-up/hook-up lines, or pick-up/hook-up lines in general, but I can appreciate a good one when I hear it.

T.I. says, "Now, not only will I hit it if you throw it to me, but I'ma beat it like you stole it and you owe it to me." Wow! I'm not into skinny guys, but I suspect that if he said that to me after a few lemon drop shooters, I'd be pantyless in the backseat of his smoky, pot-infused limo.

For those of you not well-versed in the hip hop language, let me give you some alternate meanings for the above term "beat it":

1. Tear that ass up.

2. Lay some good pipe.

3. Have you climbing the walls with unadulterated sexual pleasure

4. Fuck the shit out of you

5. Make love to you so deliciously that you will be in awe of his sexual brilliance.

Now imagine that someone has stolen something very precious to you. Imagine the fervor with which you would kick some thieving booty if you so happened to catch up with them. Got that in your head? Okay, now put the two together.

See what I mean? From zero to pantyless in 2.5 seconds. I'll wait while you go open a window...or take a cold shower. Whatever flies your kite. Whatever flies your freak flag as my friend The Empress would say.

Hopefully, though, he can back up all his big talk. Don't you hate when a guy (or woman. can't leave out my two male followers) raves about his (her) sexual prowess and gets you all excited only to later discover that he (she) is a horrible lay? That's the worse. In fact, I can't think of anything worse than a disappointing sexcapade. World hunger? Wars and rumors of wars? Republicans? Nope, not as bad. If I got myself all hot and underpants-free and T.I. was incapable of "laying it down," there wouldn't be enough banana pudding milkshakes in the world to stop me from kicking his bony ass.

On the other hand, good dick will have a woman doing things she never thought she'd do. Since I'm so fucking awesome at making lists, I shall create one that declares all the things a woman might do in the name of good dick.

-hold illicit drugs that will be available at a later date for purchase
-when caught with said drugs, refuse to rat out her good dick. After all, should he be imprisoned, he might be forced to share that good dick with a 300-pound killer named Tiny
-ignore her children, friends, boss, mama, and/or husband
-gain the sudden urge to take up cooking, baking, and cosmetology, specifically nail grooming in order to give her good dick a relaxing pedi after a hard day's work restocking the napkin dispenser at McDonald's
-quit her job two years before retirement, sell her house, and move across the country to be with good dick while he attempts to break into the acting biz at the age of 45
-walk in on good dick having a threesome with two hookers and quietly close the door to give them their privacy
-pay good dick's way through bible college
-give good dick her car to go shopping while she catches the bus in a thunderstorm with her three small children
-spend her tax refund on video games for good dick's Xbox 360
-this
-or do anything else that skyrockets her into "dumb bitch" status

Come on ladies, you know you've been a dumb bitch for good dick before. I dare say that I am doing that right now. Damn you, good dick!

Fellas, if you don't naturally have good dick, you damn sure better go out and buy you one. It'll change the whole course of your relationship. You know how you like to pretend that you're in charge? Well, good dick actually is.

Ladies, as well as gentlemen who can appreciate its power, tell me what dumb ass regrettable things you've done in the name of good dick.