Friday, March 25, 2011

Gimme That Good...Um...Love

Mary J. Blige has a song called Good Love. I couldn't find a video on YouTube (imagine that), but if you're interested, here's the song.




Good Love features a rapper by the name of T.I. I'm not about to bore you with the details of his rap sheet, no pun intended, I actually want to talk about this song. Specifically, T.I.'s part of the song. There is a line he has that I consider to be the ultimate hook-up line. Ordinarily, I'm not big on corny pick-up/hook-up lines, or pick-up/hook-up lines in general, but I can appreciate a good one when I hear it.

T.I. says, "Now, not only will I hit it if you throw it to me, but I'ma beat it like you stole it and you owe it to me." Wow! I'm not into skinny guys, but I suspect that if he said that to me after a few lemon drop shooters, I'd be pantyless in the backseat of his smoky, pot-infused limo.

For those of you not well-versed in the hip hop language, let me give you some alternate meanings for the above term "beat it":

1. Tear that ass up.
2. Lay some good pipe.
3. Have you climbing the walls with unadulterated sexual pleasure
4. Fuck the shit out of you
5. Make love to you so deliciously that you will be in awe of his sexual brilliance.

Now imagine that someone has stolen something very precious to you. Imagine the fervor with which you would kick some thieving booty if you so happened to catch up with them. Got that in your head? Okay, now put the two together.

See what I mean? From zero to pantyless in 2.5 seconds. I'll wait while you go open a window...or take a cold shower. Whatever flies your kite. Whatever flies your freak flag as my friend The Empress would say.

Hopefully, though, he can back up all his big talk. Don't you hate when a guy (or woman. can't leave out my two male followers) raves about his (her) sexual prowess and gets you all excited only to later discover that he (she) is a horrible lay? That's the worse. In fact, I can't think of anything worse than a disappointing sexcapade. World hunger? Wars and rumors of wars? Republicans? Nope, not as bad. If I got myself all hot and underpants-free and T.I. was incapable of "laying it down," there wouldn't be enough banana pudding milkshakes in the world to stop me from kicking his bony ass.

On the other hand, good dick will have a woman doing things she never thought she'd do. Since I'm so fucking awesome at making lists, I shall create one that declares all the things a woman might do in the name of good dick.

-hold illicit drugs that will be available at a later date for purchase
-when caught with said drugs, refuse to rat out her good dick. After all, should he be imprisoned, he might be forced to share that good dick with a 300-pound killer named Tiny
-ignore her children, friends, boss, mama, and/or husband
-gain the sudden urge to take up cooking, baking, and cosmetology, specifically nail grooming in order to give her good dick a relaxing pedi after a hard day's work restocking the napkin dispenser at McDonald's
-quit her job two years before retirement, sell her house, and move across the country to be with good dick while he attempts to break into the acting biz at the age of 45
-walk in on good dick having a threesome with two hookers and quietly close the door to give them their privacy
-pay good dick's way through bible college
-give good dick her car to go shopping while she catches the bus in a thunderstorm with her three small children
-spend her tax refund on video games for good dick's Xbox 360
-this
-or do anything else that skyrockets her into "dumb bitch" status

Come on ladies, you know you've been a dumb bitch for good dick before. I dare say that I am doing that right now. Damn you, good dick!

Fellas, if you don't naturally have good dick, you damn sure better go out and buy you one. It'll change the whole course of your relationship. You know how you like to pretend that you're in charge? Well, good dick actually is.

Ladies, as well as gentlemen who can appreciate its power, tell me what dumb ass regrettable things you've done in the name of good dick.

18 comments:

  1. Mrs. Hyde, I'm moving in 5 days so I don't have enough time to tell you all the things I've done for it. They were never regrettable if I ended up getting it!!! You are naughty (like me) hehe. Hugs sweet lady.

    ReplyDelete
  2. HAHA, I can always count on entertainment when I stop by your place, Mrs. Hyde. Always.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dumb bitch moment: briefly pleasured good dick while on a ride at Disney World.

    Go on, you can say it: dumb AND just wrong. =P

    ReplyDelete
  4. First one that comes to mind is...I took the stitching out of my own slacks in the crotch area, hid in hubby#2's car and went on his Nike Base and saw *****stars***** on the area where the Nike missles lift up out of the ground. ;0) I shit you not!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am still doing it...smdh...

    ReplyDelete
  6. I've been cooking his food, cleaning his house, washing his clothes, and scrubbing his toilets for 12 years all in the name of great dick. Now if that's not dumb, then I don't know what is. Wait? Did I say dumb? I meant love, yeah that's it...

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm still with good dick. Let that shit get away? Are you kidding me? Hence the reason why I"m not feeling the sister wife thing I suppose. Before we were married I did some seriously dumb bitch things. Like tolerate the relationship being 'open' on his end. Looking back if I'd had more self esteem, I wouldn't have stayed with good dick, but now I'm so glad that I did. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I do all of my damage with my mouth and tongue. And yes those two things have made some women do some crazy shit.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I have an Italian man.....16 years...never had to stray. Multiple orgasm each time. Thank you 6 lbs baby Jesus.

    That said....I had a boyfriend that fucked a porn star then I took his ass back because he was a good lay. I never even asked if they had protected sex. I am so lucky I didn't get something terrible.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ummm, no good dick experience here... but I did have a girlfriend that I was so mesmerized by that I ignored all of the warning signs and let her f*ck up my credit. (Eons ago, of course.)

    What made it worse? Later on (with a little more experience under my belt), I realized that she wasn't really that good...

    ReplyDelete
  11. if a person is a shitty lay they only get two strikes. one of those strikes is drunken fucking...

    good dick/pussy is the root of all fucktardedness...

    two of my many creedos (not to be confused with speedos)

    sooner or later no matter how hot she/he is, i can show you a girl/guy that got sick of fucking her/him..

    hence...

    for guys: find a woman that is easy to make cum, cuz sooner or later sex will become a chore...

    for the ladies: i got nothing to help you here...im a guy!

    and i have done countless dumbass things in the name of good pussy...

    for example:

    i have said *i do* twice for good pussy..

    yeah, im a two time loser...

    ReplyDelete
  12. Regrets? I dated someone who was married (although I did not know it at the time). I was stupid enough to believe his smooth-talking lies. When I found out he was married (via the newspaper - he was a "public figure"), it was OVER!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Um, unfortunately I have yet to meet good dick (unless you're referring to my jackrabbit vibrator). You wouldn't happen to have his number would you? I could use some good dick.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Things I have done for good dick:

    -Entered frat houses, as well as other questionable dwellings
    -Gotten so intoxicated that I made an ass out of myself in public (and at times made myself so sick I was unable to procure good dick)
    -Listened to my lovers wax poetic for hours on such topics as video games, motorcycle repair, electrical engineering, and why they all hate their mothers
    -Watched some truly awful TV and movies
    -Remained silent at times when I didn't want to, thus being party to my own disenfranchisement

    ReplyDelete
  15. Barb- hope the move went well. It's good that you have no regrets about the good dick acquisition process...wish I could say the same.

    JM- Good to know! But you cheated because you didn't share.

    Kat- Disney World? I'm glad I wasn't on that ride at the time. And I thought it was bad when someone vomited on amusement park rides...

    Shit You Not- Missiles AND good dick at the same time...I'm so jealous.

    Weezy- Me, too, honey. Me, too.

    Rancher- Only good dick will make a woman scrub toilets.

    Tory- It's a blessing and a curse, I tell ya.

    OT- There's a lot to be said of good tongue as well.

    Mamma- I've risked my life a time or two for good dick as well. At first I'd look at other women and remark how stupid they were for risking their health like that. Totally understand it now.

    Sulli- Well, I've heard that good cooch will fuck a person up as well. But bad hindsight cooch? That's just wrong.

    Bruce- I love it! Good dick is the root of all fucktardedness...Words to live by.

    WILL BE BACK TO ANSWER THE REST OF YOUR COMMENTS IN A FEW. GOOD DICK IS CALLING!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Day-um.

    First visit to your blog and I get an eyeful. Or mouthful. Or mindful of dirty things.

    I've previously been abused for good dick. Been cheated on. Been kept isolated from the world.

    But fuck all that, now I've got it all. Except sanity. (but that is overrated).

    Seriously?... Reeeally??... Seriously?

    _

    ReplyDelete
  17. I just found you today.

    I think I love you.

    That is all.

    for now

    ReplyDelete
  18. Stephanie- I'm glad to hear that you are now in a healthy relationship complete with good dick. Who the hell needs sanity?

    Annabelle- Love at first sight (or reading) is the most precious love of all! Welcome and please keep coming back.

    ReplyDelete

Bitch with me, will you?