Thursday, March 17, 2011
Apparently my penchant for diabetic, coma-inducing dairy foods has caused me to piss off some friends, gay and straight alike. My colon was also pissed off because I'm lactose intolerant. Neither of those facts was enough to stop me from consuming it and tweeting about it yesterday: a Chick-fil-A Banana Pudding milkshake. It was actually the producer of the best orgasm I've ever had. And all I had to do to achieve it was offend about 10 million of my closest friends. That's a record even for me.
Read this if you don't know why my mistake was so egregious.
Honestly, I forgot. That's the extent of it, really. With so many corporations giving American citizens their asses to kiss, it's sometimes hard for me to keep up with all the bastards whom I should be boycotting. You can bet I won't forget again, but just know that karma has already kicked my ass for this one. I trotted my lactose intolerance back and forth to the bathroom for the remainder of yesterday. My family was not happy with the smell that permeated the entire house. It was enough to make 3/16/2011 a day to be remembered in Hyde family history.
My stomach and I are like a guy and his schlong. We both know we should pass on those cookies, but we just can't help ourselves.
I apologize. I absolutely support marriage rights for same-sex couples. With the way we piss all over the institution of marriage in this country, I can't honestly understand how they think gay and lesbian couples are going to make it worse. It's just another excuse to discriminate and I will not give my dollars to any company who supports discrimination.
So long as I remember...I think I'll start a running list of all the asshole companies who can't have my money. Does anyone know how to make a blog button to that effect? We could add to the list as the jackwagons present themselves.
Damn...I guess I should take those paper towels back to Target, huh?