Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Victoria's Dirty Little Secret

Victoria has a dirty little secret. Amidst the lace and the frills, the satin and the silk, the padding and the bigger padding, she hides it. Among the fragrances, the body washes, and the diamond-studded brassieres, she conceals it. She's a sly fox, that Victoria.

If you look closely, though, the secret is not that hard to find. Discreetly open one of the drawers all the way at the bottom of the display case and you will find it. Open a closet deep into the recesses of the storage room and you will discover her secret: it's me. Me and all the other amply-endowed women of the world whose bras are hidden like wine stains on a white carpet.

They need to bury us under tables, in drawers, and behind closet doors lest they offend the delicate sensibilities of the Itty Bitty Tittie Committee. We wouldn't want the IBTC to go on a rampage, thrashing their barren chests about in protest, would we? Oh, the horror! The absolute insanely hilarious fucking horror!

I'm sorry. I don't mean to lash out at you flat-chested small-boobed women. I tend to do that when I feel judged. I'm working on it. No, really.

My question is this: if everyone wants to look like us, shouldn't the biggest boulder-like flopper stoppers be on brilliant display? Shouldn't underwear models be shaped like me (at least on top)? Shouldn't the Victoria's Secret fashion show feature women who, through no control of their own, come bouncing happily down the runway? I feel robbed of my rightful place in bobby royalty. Women are praying at night to deities in whom they don't even believe just so they can wake up with the body of a bombshell. Women are paying doctors thousands of dollars and enduring weeks of excruciating pain just so they can complain about how men no longer look into their eyes, but rather stare at their chests. And yet they bury us under mountains of glorified training bras and tiny thongs like we have the plague...

What would happen, Victoria, if you leave us all out there, big and small boobies alike? Might we lock bra straps in peace and harmony? Might we stand side-by-side, hand-in-hand and sing our henceforth self-proclaimed national anthem: Man! I Feel Like a Woman by Shania Twain? I think that the mixing of bra sizes would serve as evidence that real women do exist, and would therefore provide no plausible reason for anyone to purchase your padded, pinching monstrosities because the world would realize that women come in all different shapes and sizes. And that all their boobies are beautiful.

Fuck Victoria!

I'll take my business to Lane Bryant. True, I'd have to hide in the bushes on delivery day so I could knock the driver out and take my pick before the general public has access to the five measly bras in my size, but I'd get a bra. A pretty one, not the white one my grandmother wore. One with lace or animal print or polka dots or stripes or any color other than black or white or a nude that looks nothing like my nude skin. In my size.

And it damned sure won't be hidden in some obscure little drawer in the back.

I apologize, loyal readers, for my absence. Well, I haven't really been absent. I've been reading your posts, but I don't feel I'm in a good position to comment on anyone's life other than mine right now. I'm going through some things and as I work through them, I will keep you posted. Know that I haven't forgotten about you and I still love you to teeny tiny pieces.


  1. Cacique has the best boulder holders. Sexy as hell and I had one in every color when I wore one! haha.

  2. I hate bra shopping.. they don't think women with big boobies want to look pretty too... I hate it.. Have you ever picked up a tiny little bra and thought, oh that would make a great nipple cover.. (that's about all it would cover, if even that)

  3. I would just like to say as a man I love women of all shapes and sizes. And breasts of all shapes and sizes.

    Personally I would rather have a shapely woman as the skinny ones tend to not keep you as warm in the winter time. lol

  4. I was wondering about you! Glad to know you're still kicking about and I hope the bullshit subsides sooner rather than later.

    That being said, AMEN AGAIN! My husband even commented recently that I had no 'really sexy bras'. 13 years and apparently he hasn't heard me complaining about lack of giant hooter holders all these years. Which I don't get. I mean the small-chested women are all about the boob job these days, right? And since big boobies are the new black, you would think that bras for those of us who can't see the forest for the titties would have a better chance of finding schmexy bras in something larger than a D-cup, sheesh.

  5. I will go to Lane Bryant over Victoria's Secret any day. I didn't even know there WERE bras available to me there. Apparently I don't dig far enough into the abyss to find them. Or they're too ugly that I can't register them.

    Hope things get better. We're all here to make you feel better, or just to make you laugh.

    visions unto myself

  6. I have to get my bras at Lane Bryant and places of the like--Victoria's doesn't carry my size. I am fine with that though-those freaking bras are expensive!! I like pretty bras but I can find them in other places for less!

  7. I have the almost the opposite problem when bra shopping. Unless I got to a place like Victoria's (which is expensive by my standards) , I have a difficult time finding a bra small enough to fit me. Hey - we're all born with what we're born with & I like my small breasts. I still have to laugh when, at a major department store, the sales clerk told me I should try the pre-teen department when I inquired about bras in my size. Whatever... :)

  8. Sounds like Rita and I shop in the same department. :-) Victoria's Secret does not make bras for us IBTC members! I hate shopping in general, but bra shopping is the worst!

  9. Amen from another large-breasted bitch. You know, that sounds like a pretty good blog title, but I'm afraid of the bizarre Google searches I'd end up in.

    I have often wondered where the women with the ginormous implants are shopping at, because I sure as hell can't find my size in any regular stores. Just found something nice on, but by the time I got my credit card out, it was sold out. You beat me to it.

  10. I'm an amply endowed woman.. The most frustrating part I find is getting the right size of bra.. Even if one finds the right size, how to find the sexy lingerie.. Damn! world is so unfairto big boobies..

  11. So that is where those bitches in Victoria's Secret are hiding all the big boobied bras. Women of all sizes deserve to have pretty/sexy bras with matching undies. The only thing I have ever found in VS that is bigger than a C-cup looks like some nasty nana harness. Because of that I have pretty much boycotted their store. While it is challenging to find an attractive bra when you have a small frame and big knockers, I definitely feel for a couple of my friends who are naturally a size "G". What the heck is a girl to do then?

  12. Same problem over here. I am a 12DD (or E) so that makes me narrow across the back but with more than a handful. I pay an absolute fortune for something from a very limited range. Forget shopping anywhere at a chain store. These designers need to wake up and look out into the real world

  13. Barb- Cacique! Why didn't I think of that?

    Amber- Ikr? I'm only 38 (for the next 4 days) and I don't want to wear the same bra my granny wore. Love her, don't want to dress like her.

    OT- Yeah, but we will make you sweat like hell in the summertime. Idk if that's good or bad. lol

    Rancher- My point exactly. Bra manufacturers just don't get it.

    Kara- I know that when I need a laugh, I can always depend on you. Thanks, friend.

    Jewels- Expensive is an understatement! They had the cutest studded animal print bra, two sizes too small or course, but it was $55. For the one bra...I'll pass thank you.

    Rita- Believe me when I tell you I'm laughing WITH you and not AT you. You believe me, right?

    OMS- Just another form of oppression if you ask me. We should have a national No Bra Day where we can just let those suckers go free. But then somebody might get hurt...

    Holly- Yeah, sorry about that. I have a running shopping cart at any store that carries my size. With all the boob jobs being had, you'd think VS would up the max on their bra sizes.

    Runaway- It's big boob discrimination is what it is.

    Empress- I used to have the small body-big boob problem, too. I miss having that problem...

    Mynx- Right! They're designing bras for models when most of the world doesn't look like that. Pisses me off!

  14. i have heard (from my wife) that it is hard to find big sizes at vic's...

    so vicariously i feel your pain!

    my moobs are just begining to come i am still in training sizes...

    god i hope i do not get into the bigger sizes...

    that would suck!

    i wish i could help, to make it better...

    stay strong, you've made it this far, you are better than most!

    hugs and stuff...

  15. you need to come to the victoria's secrets out here. every time i go (which is only during their semi annual sale because i'm poor and apparently so are all the other flat chested girls in the southern CA area), all the small bras are cleared out. and instead, i'm forced to stare at a bunch of big-boobied bra cups that eventually fill up with tears from me crying over how small i am.

  16. Bravo!!! Fianally, I thought it was just me!!! I use to be 102 lbs but I still had a natural D that I am a mom and not a skinny hot piece of ass I need more support, push those girls up where they belong and make them feel pretty. Vicky's is not my main stop anymore.

    You're right though....lots of women pay for their twins and I can't believe we still have to look at the 20 year old girl. Yes, I said girl.....they are not women in that catalog. They need to update their marketing for all women.

  17. It is bloody uncanny how in sync we are, love, because I DETEST how my bra size is hidden in a drawer! I want to tell Vicky that it would behoove her to display our size because it's more product to look at.

    Then those little girls they have working there come up and ask if they can help you find anything. "Yes! I'm looking for where you hid the bras for women who actually fucking need them, you foolish nymph!"

  18. Awesome. Fantastic. (I couldn't wait to read this when I saw it in my feed yesterday, but couldn't pull it up until today because I didn't want anyone to see that, um, picture.)

    I was a DD by my 16th birthday, and when I walked into a VS w/ friends, I was accosted by *Betti*, who brightly asked if I wanted a "bra makeover!!!!!!!". Then she measured me, and said,

    "Yahhh, so you're, like, an E? So you, like, can't wear bras here?"

    I was like, 'whatever hooker, my department store granny bras are DD and fit just fine.'

    So now I'm 24 and a size 12, but shopping at Lane Bryant for my (now DDD) bras.

  19. Oh man I love the realness of your blog! Great reading & not to mention funny! LOVE the way you write :)

  20. I totally identify with what you have written here. At 12 years old I was more built than any of the ladies in the Victoria Secret Catalogue, that seems so wrong to me. I was shopping at the mall and two girls came out of La Senza (Canadian equivalent to VS) They were only about 8 years old. Now it seems wrong to me that a grown woman cannot buy a bra in that store, but some little girls can buy whatever they want? These stores need to get with it and start catering to us well-endowed ladies. There are lots of us out there!

  21. I've got big ones too. And now I need a DDD.


Bitch with me, will you?