Saturday, March 5, 2011

Half-Assed Weekend Post: Ben Gay and Milkshakes, Mmm Mmm Good

Has this ever happened to you?

You're walking down a city street/country road/Indian burial ground, minding your own business. It's a bright, sunny day, so there is a little pep in your step. Naturally, if you're boobylicious like me, pep makes your girls bounce. And wiggle. And dance. And otherwise just cause a goddamn scene. A dirty old man notices the ensuing commotion ten inches below your chin and proceeds to make a lame yet somehow lewd remark about your ample bosom like, "Got milk?" I think that's my least favorite of all the big tit jokes. I like to respond with, "Got a surgeon to remove my foot from your ass?" or "Got a baby carrot to hold next to your dick so it will look huge by comparison?" I'm no good at snappy comebacks. I'm too wordy for that. Who'da thunk?

I also hate it when they burst into a rousing chorus of "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard..." This one I can't stand because I'm not entirely sure she's talking about boobs in that song. I shudder to think what she is talking about. Whatever it is that that bitch is charging people for, I'm damn sure not teaching it to some old dude.

But I digress.

So you're walking down the street, having a nice day when you're verbally assaulted by Jesus' uncle. You are appalled that this ancient ass man has the fucking nerve to think that he has a chance with you. What nimrod forgot to take Grandpa back to Shady Pines? Who in the hell left the gate open? And furthermore, what in the name of Ben Gay and support hose would make him think that I would even visualize his wrinkled, flaccid body let alone allow him to rest his glassy, jaundiced eyes on mine? Why, he has to be twice my age! At least! He's gotta be, what, 42? 43? And I'm only...



Never mind.

Snobby bitch tantrum over. Pick your pride and your youth up off the ground. Dust them off. Dammit! They've got old all over them. This shit'll never come out.

A similar thing happened to me last year. I was being mauled by a guy who I mistook for a dirty old man.  Oh, that asshole was dirty all right, but upon closer inspection I realized that he couldn't have been that much older than me.

You know you're getting old when the dirty old men are the same age as you.

That's some bullshit right there.

When did you realize you were getting old(er)? If you're under 30, a simple I-could-only-hope-to-rock-half-as-hard-as-you-Mrs-Hyde-when-I'm-a-sexy-38-year-old-bombshell will suffice.


  1. Damn woman, do I have to tell you as well as Bruce that you are not getting older, just sexier. Beleive me, I would much rather be in my 40's than in my 20's

  2. I realized that I was getting old when all the horror movies I grew up with started getting remade: Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween.
    I'll know that I'm ancient when Saw gets remade.

  3. I knew I was getting old when I stopped getting carded for booze. And when youngsters started calling me ma'am. The biggest one is when I see kids driving and I am like "There is no way that that kid is old enough to drive..." Seriously, they look like they're 12 to me!!!

  4. I know how you feel. My son said "titties" for the first time yesterday.

  5. I like to think I can turn heads and stop traffic. But that's only in my head.

  6. I realized I was physically getting old when I started making strange groaning sounds when getting out of bed or off the couch or anything else that required movement! As for mentally becoming old...I think I'm just being to realize that now :-(

  7. Now you know why I'm called Bouncin' Barb. They just bounce! Can't help it. Now when I see a set of stairs and there's no elevator or ramp, I cringe and sometimes don't even attempt the stairs if I don't need to whatever it was we went for.

  8. I used to get honks from the passersby when I went through a big running phase one summer. I just ignored them, and I can't help but admit that I'd miss the attention if it went away.

  9. purrtty much lost my train of thought after boobywhatever...i don't know why you had to HIGHLIGHT them...
    boobylicious and dick

    ...hehe (oh, the visuals...)

    your rockin' it a 38? damn girl, your picture looks like 26 mebbe 28...

    two words...


    (thanks to brining back the sexy! instead of old!)

  10. I realized the "old" was upon me when I was bra shopping and I wasn't looking at them for how cute or sexy they were, but rather evaluating their ability to return the twins to their rightful position - about two-three inches above their current location. *sigh*

  11. Well, I'm not thirty, yet, so I can't commit on being old. I feel old most the time, but it's not the same. Anyways, I do know the feeling of dirty old men staring lewdly at you. When I was in Japan, I was coming back from Atsugi base to Yokosuka on the train. I noticed two sets of eyes on my shirt, and I looked up into the face of two, very ancient looking, Japanese men. And one had the balls to lick his lips like I was some type of candy on display or something. If I wasn't in Japan, and where being rude is almost a mortal sin, I would've snapped on both of them. But as it turns out, all I did was zip my husband's sweater all the way up and sat back, refusing to stare at them the rest of the way.

  12. Mynx- I have no desire to be in my 20's nor do I have a problem with my age, but it sure is funny when I make fun of myself isn't it? That's my only goal. Just gotta laugh at yourself sometimes.

    Sulli- Never thought about that. I can't even imagine what they'll do to remake Saw.

    Rancher- Yeah, I initially liked not being carded. Now not so much.

    OT- Nice. Hide your porn stash. I mean really hide it. My dad thought his was well hidden, but we always found it. Always.

    Mollie- Of course you can. Just don't cause any accidents. Bounce responsibly.

    Dad- Don't worry. You're still good until people start telling you that you still look good 'for your age.'

    Barb- It's a blessing and a curse. Way more blessing than curse, though.

    Bruce- Every now and then I just gotta make sure the men on my blog are still alive.

    Reckmonster- And Victoria's Secret NEVER makes the cute bras in our size!

    Beautiful- I'm sorry for the disgusting way those men treated you. I feel your pain. BUT the important thing is that you didn't recite the words that I SPECIFICALLY left for the under 30s. I'm so disappointed.

  13. OMG, this entry is so appropriate since Spring is just around the corner, and for some reason guys feel completely justified to holler ridiculous phrases at you as soon as the weather warms up. I don't even dress skimpily, but the warm weather triggers some caveman response in their heads or something.

    But I digress... (I've had a bit o' bubbly tonight and, it must be because I'm sick, but I'm feeling it.)

    To the last "gentleman" to say something lewd to me I replied, "Sir, they are legs and tits. I see you have two legs of your own, and I'd venture to say by your form that you have tits as well. True mine are nice, but there's no need to be jealous."

    Unfortunately, I don't think the moron understood that I'd just insulted him.

  14. Love your blog! Found it through some others through FTLOB! LOL! Glad I did!

    I have an award for you on my page!

  15. well, i'm not 30 yet, but i do remember at some point around my early 20s realizing that if dirty old men hit on me it was somehow considered acceptable, now that i wasn't under 18 anymore. i realized that going back to my friends and complaining that i felt gross because some old guy hit on me only gets me laughed at these days.

  16. Well, I did kind of feel old last weekend when I realized a friend of ours was born when I graduated from high school. Then again, it also made me think that we have friends in a wide age range! Hey, I'm not getting older, I'm getting better (and odder and wider and wiser and....).

  17. what words? sorry that i'm younger than you... lol... doesn't mean i'm going to recite words just because of it...


Bitch with me, will you?