Saturday, March 5, 2011
Half-Assed Weekend Post: Ben Gay and Milkshakes, Mmm Mmm Good
Has this ever happened to you?
You're walking down a city street/country road/Indian burial ground, minding your own business. It's a bright, sunny day, so there is a little pep in your step. Naturally, if you're boobylicious like me, pep makes your girls bounce. And wiggle. And dance. And otherwise just cause a goddamn scene. A dirty old man notices the ensuing commotion ten inches below your chin and proceeds to make a lame yet somehow lewd remark about your ample bosom like, "Got milk?" I think that's my least favorite of all the big tit jokes. I like to respond with, "Got a surgeon to remove my foot from your ass?" or "Got a baby carrot to hold next to your dick so it will look huge by comparison?" I'm no good at snappy comebacks. I'm too wordy for that. Who'da thunk?
I also hate it when they burst into a rousing chorus of "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard..." This one I can't stand because I'm not entirely sure she's talking about boobs in that song. I shudder to think what she is talking about. Whatever it is that that bitch is charging people for, I'm damn sure not teaching it to some old dude.
But I digress.
So you're walking down the street, having a nice day when you're verbally assaulted by Jesus' uncle. You are appalled that this ancient ass man has the fucking nerve to think that he has a chance with you. What nimrod forgot to take Grandpa back to Shady Pines? Who in the hell left the gate open? And furthermore, what in the name of Ben Gay and support hose would make him think that I would even visualize his wrinkled, flaccid body let alone allow him to rest his glassy, jaundiced eyes on mine? Why, he has to be twice my age! At least! He's gotta be, what, 42? 43? And I'm only...
Snobby bitch tantrum over. Pick your pride and your youth up off the ground. Dust them off. Dammit! They've got old all over them. This shit'll never come out.
A similar thing happened to me last year. I was being mauled by a guy who I mistook for a dirty old man. Oh, that asshole was dirty all right, but upon closer inspection I realized that he couldn't have been that much older than me.
You know you're getting old when the dirty old men are the same age as you.
That's some bullshit right there.
When did you realize you were getting old(er)? If you're under 30, a simple I-could-only-hope-to-rock-half-as-hard-as-you-Mrs-Hyde-when-I'm-a-sexy-38-year-old-bombshell will suffice.