Monday, February 28, 2011

Dear Mrs Hyde: If I'm Not Coming, I'm Going



"Dear Mrs. Hyde, 
I'm a thirty-year-old woman and I've been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for six months. He is a great guy who makes me laugh and he's ambitious and caring. Also, he's got an impressive package if you know what I mean. We have lots of fun together and I could potentially see a future with this man. The only problem we have really is a big one to me. He doesn't know how to make me orgasm. What makes it even worse is that during sex, he always asks, "Are you gonna come for me?" It pisses me off because I wish the hell I could! He's the first man I've been with who couldn't get me there. I've been faking it for five and a half months now and I'm just about done. How can I have a future with a man who doesn't satisfy me sexually?"


--Not Even a Little There

It's funny, NEALT, that you should ask if I know what you mean about your boyfriend's impressive package. I do. I know exactly what you mean. I know so well, in fact, that I have coined the phrase "heavily schlonged," which has just recently been published in the Urban Dictionary. Please find its definition here.

Now to answer your question: you can't. Not a happy future anyway. Listen, all you sensitive, caring, self-sacrificing women and men can stop groaning now. You know damned well I'm telling NEALT the truth. She could overlook his lack of bedroom skills and marry him for his general loveliness, but one day she's either going to cheat on him or she's going to grow so resentful that they can't possibly have a healthy, gratifying relationship. Neither of those things are conducive to a successful marriage. There is nothing worse than a bitch who needs an orgasm.

Let's begin at the beginning. You have to take control of your own sexual pleasure. Figure out why you're not achieving orgasm. What kind of sexual partner are you? Do you just lie there and take it or are you an active participant? Many women still believe that it is solely their partner's job to bring them to climax. That's not completely true. While your partner plays a role, it's a 50/50 proposition. When you are receiving pleasure from him, either orally or by penetration, do you gyrate your hips in rhythm with his strokes? It helps. A lot. Do you pleasure yourself? Do you even know what you like? Answer these questions and get back to me.

Have you spoken with him about this? Probably not, since you've been faking it for five and a half months. FIVE AND A HALF MONTHS. I don't even know how you can form complete sentences at this point. You can't hold him accountable for something he doesn't know. If you tell a man that you're not being satisfied, chances are he's going to move mountains to rectify it. It's in his nature. A man's ego will not let him believe that there exists any woman whom he cannot please beyond words.

I'm about to bring happiness to men all over the world with my next statement, and no, it's not that I'm buying you lifetime subscriptions to clubjenna.com. Men cannot read minds. Further, it's unfair of you to expect that of him. In other words, bitch-up (opposed to man-up) and tell him what turns you on. If you're not comfortable enough to tell him to step up his sex game, you shouldn't be sleeping with him in the first place. When it comes to sex, your mouth has many uses. Use yours to speak up.

If none of this works, I refer you to the second paragraph of this response.

Now I'd like to talk about his question, "Are you gonna come for me?" In my distant past experiences, I have been asked this stupid ass question and it pleases me to no end to have the opportunity to address it in a public forum such as this. Men, pay attention and NEALT, print this portion for your man and his friends.

The problem I have with this question is three-fold:

1. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't a woman's orgasm supposed to be about her? Her pleasure, her satisfaction, her reward for BJs well-done? Yes, it is. She's not coming for you, honey. She's coming for her. Just be glad you're lucky enough to be present for the ride.

2. Do you think she's waiting for your permission or something? Do you think she's lying there weighing the pros and cons? Is she holding back because she's an uptight bitch who won't let you believe that you can give her that much pleasure? Is she denying herself the deliciousness of a mind-numbing, heart-pounding experience just because you haven't given the thumbs up? No. What's most likely happening is that she's working feverishly to get hers before you, prematurely, get yours.

and
3. If you have to ask her to come, you're not doing it right. I feel like this question is a pathetic way of saying, "Please validate my virility. I don't care if you're actually enjoying this, just make me think you are." Trust me, if you are adept at wielding the schlong (I like to call said man a dick-slinger), you won't ever have to ask. The problem is that we will validate your virility. We will stroke your fragile egos with a collective fake orgasm. Then we will wait until you fall asleep and let our vibrating silicone lovers pick up your slack.

How's that for your ego?

For all the men who have asked this pitiful question of a woman he loves/cares about/just wanted to nail, let me inform you that you've only succeeded in confirming that you're not paying attention. Don't take your clues from porn. The scene you're watching probably features a woman who has had sex so many times that day, she doesn't know if she's coming or going. Pun intended. Instead, take your clues from your woman/local bar slut. Bring her to orgasm orally (if you know how to give head properly and most of you don't and swear you do, but that's a post for a different day) and watch her response. Watch her bring herself to orgasm. Then, try doing the same old stuff you've been doing. See the difference? The intense, breath-taking, body-trembling, eyes-rolling-to-the-back-of-her-head thing that happened when she did it herself? That's an orgasm.

Look for that next time and adjust your strokes accordingly. If you pay attention to what brings her pleasure, you won't have one damned question.

Once again, loyal readers, if I've unwittingly left out information that NEALT desperately needs, please include it in your comment.

26 comments:

  1. Thank you Mrs. Hyde for saving me from having to go to the gym today. My abs have now had a nice workout from laughing. You should post everyday and then I could just stay home and sit on my couch eating cake reading your blog and still have rock solid abs.

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  2. I agree with you on the fact that men can't read minds.

    And if she has never talked to him about the problem, then shame on her. He can't fix something that he don't know is broken. It is all about communication.

    And if a woman can't get off with your peen, lick her until the cows come home.

    But hey what do I know, my nick name is "orgasmo" because I can't move mountains with my tongue. A couple of my ex's said that I need a Nobel Prize For Going Down.

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  3. Sorry I meant to say move mountains.

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  4. Bring some toys to the party and let him see what gets you there. He's gonna want to try for sure, also...on top is super nice, reverse cowgirl can be fun.

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  5. She needs too learn the magic of being on top. Then she can come with any man.

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  6. Woo hoo!! Well said, Mrs. Hyde, well said! I really cannot understand the whole "faking it" thing. Seriously, if the man THINKS he is pleasing you than why would he change anything???

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  7. Cakeologist- I would post everyday, but I'd rather sit on the couch and eat cake, too.

    OT- I'll refer NEALT to you. Nobel Prizes should not go to waste.

    Mamma- Isn't reverse cowgirl the freakin' BEST?

    Kara- That is a good position for getting off, but the guy needs to have enough to work with. If she bounces up and down on the equivalent of a baby carrot, I still foresee disappointment.

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  8. JM- EXACTLY! He'll just do less work next time.

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  9. You know I love sex posts and I especially love sex posts by you Mrs. Hyde. This one is awesome!! I think you told girlfriend straight up what the deal is. Couldn't agree more. If the sexual chemistry and magic aren't there, they never will be. Who in the hell puts up with being unsatisfied for 5 1/2 months? Doing so is just plain messed up. While sex isn't everything in a romantic relationship, it is still very important. If this problem hasn't ever happened to her with other men, then either her man sucks in the sack OR physically their bodies just DON'T fit together. Add to that the fact that her dude is asking her to "come" on command like some dog performing tricks. It is time to speak up and allow for the situation to improve OR just move the heck on. Life is too short to have to pretend.

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  10. Excellent advice, Mrs. Hyde! NEALT needs to have a talk with BF. Part of the talk needs to be about him asking that stupid question every time. The other part needs to be about telling (or showing) him how to please her. You are so right: no one can read minds! If they can't talk about this, well, maybe it's not a great relationship to begin with. If they've only been together for six months, this should be the honeymoon stage. It sure doesn't sound like they are on a honeymoon.

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  11. JM...you are so grounded!!! As far as you are concerned, the female orgasm is an urban myth!!! I'm now looking up the phone number to the closest convent!

    Mrs. Hyde...the only thing you left out that can help NEALT...was my phone number ;-)

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  12. You hit the nail right on the head (heh heh), Mrs. Hyde. She really needs to communicate to her partner what she likes that *could* get her off without faking. If he cares about her, then he'll be more than happy to be pointed in the right direction to please her. If takes offense, then he's not Mr Lovey-Dovey Sensitive as much as he thinks he is.

    And in that vein, if I may bitch a moment: gentlemen, please! If you managed to get your girl off, do NOT look up at her say, "You liked that, huh?"
    ...
    "Well I did, darling, until you just insisted that I fluff your ego about it. How about tell you 'yeah I liked it, but I could have done it myself in half the time and be enjoying a margarita right now'?"

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  13. woohoo well said Ms. hyde Bravo to you darling

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  14. I hate to blame the woman here but he can't be expected to fix something he doesn't know is broken. Faking orgasms only hurts the woman in the long run-he needs to know what gets you off and what he is doing right and wrong. Communication is a must. They can make a game out of trying new things, techniques, etc until they find what he DOES do that gets her off. Imagine the fun they could have!?

    While OT has a point and you can get off orally I find that I still need to know the option of getting off with penetration is an option.

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  15. Empress- I'll drink to that! Brilliant observation about the 'dog performing tricks.' Love you!

    OMS- That's a sad ass honeymoon, isn't it?

    Dad- Sorry, honey. It's a woman's world over here. You're just a squirrel tryna get a nut. (I'm on fire with the puns today). Take that grounding stuff back to Unsound Reasoning. BTW, I did give her your phone number. I'm nothing if not a pimp.

    Katsidhe- You may ABSOLUTELY bitch on my blog! Let me know when you want to do it officially. My stage is your stage, honey.

    Becca- Why, thank you, lovely lady. I'll try not to break my arm patting myself on the back. I'm not making any promises, though.

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  16. Jewels- There is nothing like a PIO - Penis Induced Orgasm! Whoo! I just had a hot flash...

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  17. Dam you're good! I just found you and wow, I am in love with how you tell it like it is! I will definitely be following you!

    Megan

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  18. Are you gonna cum for me. Yup. Officially the most annoying thing to hear when you're trying to get off.
    You're so smart.
    Too bad most men aren't as smart as you, I suspect most of us would finally be able to form complete sentences (loved that part! You are funny and brilliant! And I'm so honoured you came by my blog!)

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  19. I can recommend a "Lelo" lol if her man isn't scratching her itch. Maybe if she tries mixing it up a bit. Dont expect him to do all the work and then bitch about it if he doesnt do it right. You would sure say something if he came home and complained about the house not being cleaned and wasnt offering to help.
    All I know is one day I might be screaming when we are doing it one way, another time it might do nothing and I just need to hook that leg over his shoulder and give the cause a helping hand. Blame hormones too. I dont fake it, ever. I know how to get myself there even if he is tired and we really only want a quicky (yeah, sometimes I am lazy). Faking it never helps anyone

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  20. Funky Woman- (love that name) Welcome! And thank you for your kind words. You're welcome back anytime, but I must warn you that it gets a little wild over here sometimes.

    Sandra- It is annoying, right?! I get an instant attitude when a guy says that. Well, I did, you know, in the past...before I was happily married.

    Mynx- Well said. Every person or sexual position needs a little help every now and then.

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  21. I feel so young and nieve right now. My face is still red from reading that. *breathes in and out, tries to calm flaming 14-year-old cheeks*

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  22. Well said! I never fake it. If my man isn't doing something right I tell him or show him which actually makes it more exciting. BTW I love your blog. You always tell it like it is.

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  23. I feel what she's been going through though. One of my ex's has a VERY tiny package. He could give good oral, but once it came to serious down and dirty, I couldn't feel a thing. So after a little while I told him what was wrong, and we broke up.

    The second thing I have to agree on, is the whole men asking their woman if their going to come for them. My husband does this all the time, and it infuriates me. I agree, I'm not cuming for him, I'm doing it for me. When we first started dating he would thank me afterward, like I was some two cent hooker that he paid for. I told him how I felt the second time he thanked me, and he hasn't since. So if anything, just tell the guy that you're not satisfied. Either he'll break it off with you, or he'll try harder next time.

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  24. Caterpillar- Let's just hope she listens...

    Sarah- Sorry, honey. There are usually only grown-ups here, but it's never to early to learn to take control of your happiness, sexual or otherwise. Try to keep this in mind in seven years when you start having sex. At LEAST seven years.

    Laynee- Thank you! I love you for loving it. It does make for an exciting time when one partner shows the other what turns them on. Good times...good times.

    Beautiful- I'm not going to say that some women would kill for a man who gives good oral, but... I think it's sooo cute that your hubby thanked you for sex. That's what I call gratitude! It's not like he gave you money. Although, I don't know if I would have been offended by that either. ;)

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  25. Mrs. Hyde,
    I am a new follower and LOVE your postings. Thank you for my morning laugh.

    Oh, and a side note to NEALT--When a man can't do other things right...what do we do? That's right....we do it ourselves. Get in there and give yourself some pleasure. When he sees you're having to revert to that, he'll take those cues and go from there. If he doesn't....get rid of him. Sexually stupid men are useless.

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Bitch with me, will you?