Monday, February 28, 2011
Dear Mrs Hyde: If I'm Not Coming, I'm Going
"Dear Mrs. Hyde,
I'm a thirty-year-old woman and I've been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for six months. He is a great guy who makes me laugh and he's ambitious and caring. Also, he's got an impressive package if you know what I mean. We have lots of fun together and I could potentially see a future with this man. The only problem we have really is a big one to me. He doesn't know how to make me orgasm. What makes it even worse is that during sex, he always asks, "Are you gonna come for me?" It pisses me off because I wish the hell I could! He's the first man I've been with who couldn't get me there. I've been faking it for five and a half months now and I'm just about done. How can I have a future with a man who doesn't satisfy me sexually?"
--Not Even a Little There
It's funny, NEALT, that you should ask if I know what you mean about your boyfriend's impressive package. I do. I know exactly what you mean. I know so well, in fact, that I have coined the phrase "heavily schlonged," which has just recently been published in the Urban Dictionary. Please find its definition here.
Now to answer your question: you can't. Not a happy future anyway. Listen, all you sensitive, caring, self-sacrificing women and men can stop groaning now. You know damned well I'm telling NEALT the truth. She could overlook his lack of bedroom skills and marry him for his general loveliness, but one day she's either going to cheat on him or she's going to grow so resentful that they can't possibly have a healthy, gratifying relationship. Neither of those things are conducive to a successful marriage. There is nothing worse than a bitch who needs an orgasm.
Let's begin at the beginning. You have to take control of your own sexual pleasure. Figure out why you're not achieving orgasm. What kind of sexual partner are you? Do you just lie there and take it or are you an active participant? Many women still believe that it is solely their partner's job to bring them to climax. That's not completely true. While your partner plays a role, it's a 50/50 proposition. When you are receiving pleasure from him, either orally or by penetration, do you gyrate your hips in rhythm with his strokes? It helps. A lot. Do you pleasure yourself? Do you even know what you like? Answer these questions and get back to me.
Have you spoken with him about this? Probably not, since you've been faking it for five and a half months. FIVE AND A HALF MONTHS. I don't even know how you can form complete sentences at this point. You can't hold him accountable for something he doesn't know. If you tell a man that you're not being satisfied, chances are he's going to move mountains to rectify it. It's in his nature. A man's ego will not let him believe that there exists any woman whom he cannot please beyond words.
I'm about to bring happiness to men all over the world with my next statement, and no, it's not that I'm buying you lifetime subscriptions to clubjenna.com. Men cannot read minds. Further, it's unfair of you to expect that of him. In other words, bitch-up (opposed to man-up) and tell him what turns you on. If you're not comfortable enough to tell him to step up his sex game, you shouldn't be sleeping with him in the first place. When it comes to sex, your mouth has many uses. Use yours to speak up.
If none of this works, I refer you to the second paragraph of this response.
Now I'd like to talk about his question, "Are you gonna come for me?" In my distant past experiences, I have been asked this stupid ass question and it pleases me to no end to have the opportunity to address it in a public forum such as this. Men, pay attention and NEALT, print this portion for your man and his friends.
The problem I have with this question is three-fold:
1. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't a woman's orgasm supposed to be about her? Her pleasure, her satisfaction, her reward for BJs well-done? Yes, it is. She's not coming for you, honey. She's coming for her. Just be glad you're lucky enough to be present for the ride.
2. Do you think she's waiting for your permission or something? Do you think she's lying there weighing the pros and cons? Is she holding back because she's an uptight bitch who won't let you believe that you can give her that much pleasure? Is she denying herself the deliciousness of a mind-numbing, heart-pounding experience just because you haven't given the thumbs up? No. What's most likely happening is that she's working feverishly to get hers before you, prematurely, get yours.
3. If you have to ask her to come, you're not doing it right. I feel like this question is a pathetic way of saying, "Please validate my virility. I don't care if you're actually enjoying this, just make me think you are." Trust me, if you are adept at wielding the schlong (I like to call said man a dick-slinger), you won't ever have to ask. The problem is that we will validate your virility. We will stroke your fragile egos with a collective fake orgasm. Then we will wait until you fall asleep and let our vibrating silicone lovers pick up your slack.
How's that for your ego?
For all the men who have asked this pitiful question of a woman he loves/cares about/just wanted to nail, let me inform you that you've only succeeded in confirming that you're not paying attention. Don't take your clues from porn. The scene you're watching probably features a woman who has had sex so many times that day, she doesn't know if she's coming or going. Pun intended. Instead, take your clues from your woman/local bar slut. Bring her to orgasm orally (if you know how to give head properly and most of you don't and swear you do, but that's a post for a different day) and watch her response. Watch her bring herself to orgasm. Then, try doing the same old stuff you've been doing. See the difference? The intense, breath-taking, body-trembling, eyes-rolling-to-the-back-of-her-head thing that happened when she did it herself? That's an orgasm.
Look for that next time and adjust your strokes accordingly. If you pay attention to what brings her pleasure, you won't have one damned question.
Once again, loyal readers, if I've unwittingly left out information that NEALT desperately needs, please include it in your comment.