Monday, January 31, 2011

Dear Mrs. Hyde, the ABCM Version

So...this woman emailed me at thewellfedspirit@gmail.com because she needed a fresh take on a situation at work. Apparently, she was gossiping about a co-worker, only to find out that her assumptions were untrue. She asked for my opinion as to what her next move should be, and as I specified previously, she chose from which of my personalities she wanted to get an answer. She chose both. I just want it to go on record that she chose to do this. Okay? I will not be held responsible for any trauma caused by my response. Let's all keep that in mind as we're wondering what the fuck she's on and how we can get a prescription that strong.

Here, I'll let her tell the story.

Okay, here's the deal. At my job, there was a rumor going around that one of the married women in my department (Mrs. K) was slipping down to the mail room and having noontime quickies with a guy down there. Now, I don't really like Mrs. K--she's the kind of person who is always talking about her new this or that. I can barely afford to put gas in the car. So, like everybody else I started whispering when she disappeared at lunch time.

Last week, I just happened to be in the mail room when she came down with her lunch. I hovered around to see which guy she would disappear with... Well, they didn't disappear. Her and the dude who wears eyeliner (Mr. E) were watching Ellen on a portable tv. 

So, now I feel like an ass, and I'm not sure what to do. Mrs. K notices that people are acting funny around her, but I don't think she knows why. I don't want to point out the obvious (Mr. E doesn't seem to be interested in women) because that's an HR violation. 

What should I do?



Um...yeah...how can I put this delicately? Oh, I know. Mind your fucking business. You said that you feel like an ass? Congratulations, you are. I mean, why in the name of Idris Elba's edible chocolate abs are you so concerned with what Mrs. K is doing on her lunch break? Get a life, boo. Because if you had a life, you'd be too busy to concern yourself with the potential sex lives of co-workers, married or otherwise.

I understand the mind of the hating ass bitch. (In case this is unclear, the hating ass bitch is you) You see a woman who has more material possessions than you. She drives a nice car, wears expensive clothes, owns a nice home, and has a gorgeous dick slinger to boot. She has worked hard for those things and is proud of her accomplishments, so she flaunts them. But that's not what you see. You, with your bad credit, hooptie, broken down slum apartment, and four baby's daddies see not the hard-working woman who has her shit together, but instead a stuck-up, bourgeoisie bitch who throws her wealth in the face of others. You know what? Maybe she is, but that's not the reason you hate her. You hate her because your shit is not together.

Your time can be much better spent if you focused more on achieving your goals and less on being a bitch about hers. You can spread rumors about her. You can put sugar in the gas tank of her BMW Z4 Roadster 2.5i (don't get caught because that's reasonable cause for a beat down). You could give her man the best blow job of his life in the parking lot while he waits for her to clock out from her high-paying job, but that won't change your situation. I get it. Misery loves company. What misery should start loving is effective fucking solutions.

What 's the difference between a happy bitch and a miserable bitch on one hand, and two miserable bitches on the other? Well, that's obvious, but the constant in both situations is that the original miserable bitch is still miserable. Think about it: do you really want her to be unhappy or is what you really want is for you to be happy, too?

Whether or not Mr. E is gay, because that's your implication, is none of your concern. There you go minding someone's business again. You should have no HR issues if you remember this: gay man or adulterous woman...there's no difference when you're slandering people.

To help your jealous ass save face, I submit the following. Go to your co-workers, you know, the ones with whom you've actively engaged in Mrs. K-bashing, and say, nonchalantly, "Girl(s), we were tripping. That bitch is down there watching Ellen with Mr. E, harming no one. I think I'll take this as a sign and mind my own dumb ass business from now on." Then eat your ramen noodles and shut the fuck up.

From now on, concentrate more on 'doing you' than 'fucking her' (over). Jealousy is not attractive. It's an ugly, poor, insecure, low self-esteem having punta.

You didn't know I spoke Spanish, did you?

Please.

I don't watch George Lopez for nothing.

If you want to read the zen bitch's my alter ego's response, go here. And puh-lease, if there's anything I left out, please include it in your comment.

30 comments:

  1. OMG yes!!!!!!

    And your use of the word "boo" put a smile on my face. Haven't heard that since I left New Orleans.

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  2. haha. makes me want to submit a question, kinda.

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  3. Wow, you are pretty good with the advice column stuff. You should do this full time.

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  4. there is a dearth of the use of the word fuck in this column, but other than that i totally agree...

    more people need to mind there own fuckityfuckfucking own business...

    jus' sayin'

    Bruce
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    dreamodeling!
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

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  5. scratch one of those own's my editor quit...

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  6. Amen! People are too messy now days. You said it perfectly and had me ROFLMFAO!!!!!

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  7. Now ya know I'm not one to complain...but ya might have expanded on "You could give her man the best blow job of his life in the parking lot while he waits for her to clock out from her high-paying job" to include "and anyone else in the parking lot"...and provided a map to the parking lot...just a suggestion :-)

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  8. I don't think I could have said this better myself. Well done, Mrs. Hyde, well done.

    visions unto myself

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  9. Ah yes ... I do believe I did a post with a similar theme ... "Penis Envy - or: Let's Keep Our Noses Out of Other People's Pants". In other words - butt he fuck out and mind your own.

    I saw the placid reply of your alter ego and was in hearty agreement. I am even more enthusiastic and on board with THIS reply ...

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  10. Well said, true to a "T" and freaking funny as hell to boot. Unfortunately I have a feeling that she may not be coming back for advice anytime soon cause you chewed her hooptie driving ass the hell out! AWESOME!!!

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com/

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  11. Perfect response, Mrs. Hyde! You said it far better than I ever could. Besides, I totally forgot about the word "hooptie". What goes around certainly comes around, and now she can't deal with it? If she doesn't like looking like shit, she shouldn't have flung it in the first place.

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  12. How about if she just did her work instead of gossiping about other people? That tells me that she has nothing better to do. Management should be on her ass like white on rice then.

    And the whole assuming something. Have you ever heard of the saying assuming makes and ass out of u and me? Yeah, perfect example.

    Even if the woman was cheating on her husband/boyfriend or whatever, it's none of that bitches buisiness. Unless of course it involves her, which it don't.

    That's just my opinion.

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  13. Yay, awesome. Thats it. Nothing more to say
    (pitiful comment I know) Hugs

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  14. Daaayaam! But what you say is true though; it's so much easier to be "mad" at someone else instead of focusing on the self. Still...daaayam!!!

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  15. @Tanya- LOL I call everybody 'boo.' I guess I'd fit right in at Mardi Gras!

    @Lovkyne- Make sure you REALLY wanna do that before you hit 'send.'

    OT- Oh, if only someone we willing to pay me to bitch...that would be freakin' awesome!

    @Bruce- IKR? I'm trying to branch out and include other words from the English language. But, of course, fuck is still my favorite!

    @Mamma- I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I hope I don't scare any of my new readers away...

    @Dad- So sorry for my mistake. I suck at maps, but I WILL give a detailed description of the location of the parking lot next time.

    @Kara- Thanks so much! Don't be afraid, but I'm going to hug you now...just kidding. I don't want to get smacked.

    @Barb- Let's do that! With your awesome stories and my bitchiness, we'd make a killing!

    @PM- While I do feel that the best way to approach touchy subjects is The Well-Fed Spirit way, my initial reaction is almost always the A Bitch Called Mom way.

    @Empress- Well...maybe not for advice, but I'm sure she'll come back to watch me kick other people's asses.

    @OMS- Oh! I wish I had thought of that shit-flinging comment!

    @Beautiful- Exactly! Where the hell is her manager?

    @Mynx- That's quite all right. Sometimes a post is so perfectly worded that there are no more words. ;)

    @Tpsulli- LMAO! YOU are a freaking genius!

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  16. This reminds me of the story about the woman who asks how to take back the gossip she has spread about a neighbor, so a sage tells her to walk around and drop feathers behind her. Then the sage tells her to try to pick up the feathers the next day, and she can't find them. We're then supposed to learn the "aww" lesson at the end, which is that you cannot take back the things you say.

    Sounds like your advice-seeker never got that memo.

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  17. love @ "Then eat your ramen noodles and shut the fuck up."

    throw in a crystal light packet and that's the perfect, sterotypical, sorry-ass, bitchy employee lunch meal.

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  18. BRAVO!!!!! Bitches like that make the work place horrible! Always in someone elses business. That's why I'm glad my work place consist of mainly men. Oh wait, they gossip worse than women sometimes..lol. Anyway, Thanks again for the laugh!!

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  19. Bwhahahaha. LOVE IT. I'm going to start emailing you when I have a problem so you can tell me what I NEED to hear instead of what I WANT to hear. LOVE U!

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  20. Nothing to add this is just great! but I do have to admit that I have in the past been the jealous hating bitch, who talked shit behind someones back. (never started rumors or added to rumors that were untrue though)

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  21. Ouch...tough, but to the point....perfect!

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  22. Fucking fantastic. All of it. Dead on.

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  23. I just stumbled on your blog and I have one thing to say: You are a bitch-ass fucking genius!!!! I'm pullin' up a chair, parkin' my fat ass right here on your blog and waiting to be entertained some more! LOVE IT HERE!

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  24. Mrs. Hyde. On point as usual. Very fucking funny and spot on with the advice. What the fuck kind of people do that? Seriously. Even when I've been in the miserable bitch boat I didn't hate on people who had it better. Well...there was this ONE time...but nevermind that now. I had to figure out what it took to not be a miserable bitch anymore. And I didn't have you to guide me. She should count herself lucky.

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  25. I had to come by again to let you know I gave you an award over at my place. Enjoy!

    http://erraticquestions.blogspot.com/2011/02/award-that-has-turned-into-its-own-post.html

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  26. @Bagel Fairy- Oh, she got the memo, but she was too busy spreading gossip to read it.

    @Lucky- I can't believe I forgot the Crystal Light. Damn.

    Nicole- I know a whole LOT of bitch ass men who gossip worse than women. A LOT.

    @JM- That's why I don't have that many friends because most of them couldn't handle the truth. The ones who've stuck around just ignore me.

    @Catrina- At least you've learned your lesson. Good shit.

    @Caterpillar- I asked her if she was sure before I posted my response. Let's hope she's a better woman for it.

    @holly- Thank you. I hope I wasn't too harsh...

    @Dad- I'll be right over!

    @Reckmonster- Parking is always free and welcomed. There's a spot right next to my fat ass.

    @Tory- That bitch should pay me for possibly saving her life.

    @Hannah- Thanks! I'll be right there.

    @Keri- My glass is raised as we speak!

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  27. Just found your blog and I intend to return- often! This post was hysterical and so damn true. Love it!

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Bitch with me, will you?