Saturday, January 22, 2011

Half-Assed Baltimore: The Sequel

I want to apologize, in advance, for being extra bitchy this weekend. When this city decides to go above and beyond the call of mediocrity, they take it seriously. And understandably, it pisses off the mother of all bitches.

Last night, there was a water main break outside my house.
This isn't mine, but this is sure as hell what it felt like to me.
I called, they came a few hours later. They dug a hole in the ground, shut off the water supply, the entire neighborhood's water supply, and left. More than eight hours later, after hubby had to leave at 4 a.m. to go take a shower at the gym, they still hadn't stumbled their asses back to my neighborhood to fix the break.

Now, there are six people that live in this house, five of whom remain on a Saturday morning. Five people who can't flush the toilet behind themselves or wash their bodies. I don't want to describe to you the smell seeping from under the bathroom door. I don't care how much Nag Champa incense you burn or how many towels you stuff under that door, it's just bad. I may get an infection from holding my bladder, but lucky for me, alcoholics vodka lovers always keep a nice supply of cranberry juice around. It's too bad I can't wash my hands with cranberry juice. I have a...thing about washing my hands. I'm not saying I'm compulsive about it, but if I can't wash them soon, one of these water guys is going to find some dirty, finely manicured hands wrapped around his neck.

Fortunately, I had the foresight to fill some milk jugs with water last night. Thank God(dess) for recycling. Unfortunately, my oldest emptied one of them into the toilet this morning. After a number one, no less. Poor dumb thing. She doesn't know she's stupid. It's okay, honey, you can live with us for the rest of your life. Yeah...that's not gonna happen.

I called city services to find out the status of our being able to wash our asses, and that bitch wasn't the least bit helpful. "There's nothing we can do." she said. "You just have to be patient." she said. "Patient? Bitch, have you met me?" I asked. She hasn't. God must love her. I hung up on her ass because I didn't want to cuss her out. She's only the peon answering the phones. I didn't want to be the bitch that cusses out the little guy who has no control over the situation. But I did hang up on her in mid-sentence. Bitch pissed me off.

Hubby called shortly thereafter and asked if they were out there fixing the pipe. I ranted to him the same way I'm doing to you right now. He said, "That's all I wanted to know. I'll call you back." Ten minutes later, they were outside fixing the pipe.

I know I complain about him always from time to time, but you gotta love a guy who can get people to fix your shit so you can wash your ass.

View IMG00302-...jpg in slide show
This is the front of my house right now. Are those mother fuckers just standing there?


  1. Those but be the same jackholes that continually fuck with the water here. It's such that I am constantly turning on faucets just to be sure and have learned to read the water pressure to know when to go into panic mode and start filling up everything I can.

    I have learned though, that if you call and cuss out the poor girl who only answers the phones and has no control over the situation and threaten to sue because your poor ol' mother with somehow applicably maim herself due to their lazy-ass fuck up of the day, they tend to move....

  2. Rabbit- If this shit happened on a regular basis...I can't even finish that sentence. I knew I should have cussed that bitch out. I'm too nice for my own good sometimes. Think I may call back and do it anyway for shits and giggles.

  3. Oh no!!! I hate to be without water. Happened to us not long ago on a Sunday afternoon. By 8pm on Sunday night I was the nasty bitch on the phone talking to the girl with no control over anything and telling her in no uncertain terms that my kids were defecating (not the word I used) in the back yard with the dog. For the record they really weren't but I was that pissed.

    Glad they are getting it fixed for you.

  4. I would have loved to have heard the conversation when your hubby called. Hahaha

  5. Man that sucks... I have had a variety of weird shit happen to me in and around houses I've lived over the years, but nothing quite like that.


  6. A gallon of water poured in the tank--not the bowl--will flush the toilet. Pass it on to the dumb one. Not a bad idea to keep gallon jugs of water on hand for the hell of it. Electrical outages can stop your toilets from working as well.

  7. i hate the man!

    if it happend to the elitists it is handled post haste...

    fuck them all!
    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book
    Dreamodel Guy

  8. You can come bath at my place :-) I'll only peek with one eye! That's a good man you have that can get city workers moving!

  9. Well that situation takes the nasty shit cake! Sorry you are having to deal with no water AND f*ckwitted public works people to get the situation sorted. ...It must have been a firey conversation your hubby had with the City for them to get their slow turtle asses over to your house. Would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when that phone call went down!

    Big hugs my friend!

  10. Tory- This was my first time without water and, hopefully, my last.

    SD- It sucks AND it stinks.

    LW- I'll pass that info on to the whole damn lot of them.

    Bruce- You're goddamn right it would.

    Dad- After 24 hours without water, I wouldn't care if you set up a live feed.

    Empress- Oh, that's not the half of it. I had to flirt with the fuckwit-in-charge so they would get back to work after a two hour lunch break.

  11. Oh, that blows! You just know that if it happened at THEIR house that it would be fixed right away. Glad it's fixed now. I don't know how long I would be able to handle not washing my hands.

  12. Gave you an award, Mrs. Hyde...stop by and check it out.

  13. Shitty, indeed, Beautiful. Shitty, indeed.

    OMS- I felt like I was going into withdrawal or something. Hand sanitizer just doesn't cut it. We went to my in-laws' to shower and dress, and the first thing I did was wash my hands.

    Dad- That I am. Thanks for noticing.

    JM- I'm on my way! Thanks, honey!

  14. I need glasses because I swear to you that when I looked at that picture, somewhere in there, I saw a whale. WTF ever....

    Anyway my dear. You have been awarded.

  15. Wow, I would be pissed if I were you.

  16. Tame- Okay...maybe you did see a whale. How much wine have you had today? ;) I love awards! I'm omw.

    OT- Oh, pissed off doesn't even come close. But I'm good now. Now if they would just open schools and get these kids off my hands...

  17. Hey Lady! You have been awarded! :)

  18. YIKES! 5 people in the household? I just can't imagine that kind of stink... we live in Wasilla, Alaska, where the winds semi-frequently ghust up to 80 or 100 mph... and this past autumn we had 3 weekends in a row without electricity. One of the weekends my husband went camping with some friends, so I didn't have to deal with his stink, just my own... When the winds start whipping trees around these days, I know to fill up buckets of water just in case. Luckily the power hasn't went out when it's 30 below zero!


Bitch with me, will you?