Thursday, January 20, 2011

Pole Dancing

I knew that would get your attention, ya perverts.

You guys have been blogging your asses off while I've been wallowing in self-pity. Yes, I've been wallowing, but, in my defense, I have a good reason this time. A really good reason. I'm not going to share it here because I try to maintain a certain level of levity on this blog. I may, however, share it with you in an upcoming post at The Well-Fed Spirit, a blog designed to feed your soul.

Shameless self-promotion, anyone?

I'm trying to catch up with everyone, but considering I follow 48 blogs and each of you has written at least one post in the past five days, I just don't know how I'm going to manage it. Guess I'll pop some microwave Orville Redenbacher, put P!nk on repeat in the background, and get to it...eventually.

Since I've been MIA, I thought it only fitting that I tell a story closely related to sex, a second cousin, if you will. I had to do something to make sure I don't lose any of my 92 followers. Ninety-fucking-two! That is awesomenesssssssss. Who remembers when there were just twelve of us? I owe a huge debt of gratitude to Simple Dude at Simple Dude in a Complex World. He mentioned me on his blog right after his BONing, so throngs of new people dared to trek over here to the bitchy side and some of them even stayed. Welcome to all of you! I am humbled, really. SD, your check is in the mail. Someday I'll tell you about the lengths I was prepared to go to in order to have Simple Dude follow my blog. I was a big fan of his blog, but he, sadly, was not a fan of mine. I devised a complex plan on how to change that and then...he became a follower. Just one more day and I would have begun the I ♥ Simple Dude campaign. Just like a man to make his move too soon.

I'd like to tell you about the time I enrolled in Pole Dancing classes.
You see that one girl on the floor? Now you know how I did in the class.
Blame Teri Hatcher. Her skinny ass was on Oprah gyrating and talking about, "You can do it, too!" and I, somehow, got the idea that I could do it, too. I don't think I've ever been more wrong about something in my life. I had this vision of myself effortlessly sliding down a stripper pole, flipping myself upside down, doing a split on the side of it, defying gravity with the sheer power of my thigh muscles. Did I mention that I hadn't done a leg lift or squat in about five years? You remember that episode of the King of Queens where Doug begged Carrie to take pole dancing lessons and when she finally gave in, she was horrible at it? Yeah...no, I wasn't that bad. But I wasn't far from it.

Let me give you a poles-eye view of the pole dancing room. There are mirrors covering three of the four walls. That's so when you try to flip your big ass upside down and your cellulite hits the pole before you do, you can see it clearly. Nice. There are about 10 poles scattered over a room that's maybe 30 square feet. The bowels of hell can't even compete with the temperature in there, and saying it smelled like ass is an understatement. It smelled like hot ass in a shit storm on a Tuesday in Shitsburgh, uh, Pittsburgh. Sorry, I'm still pissed that they knocked my team out of the playoffs.

Oilfield Trash, not one word from you. This is my house and in my house, the Ravens rule. Now go make Mrs. Hyde a sammich, biatch!

Oh, shit. Did I just start a fight with a guy who eats homeless people for breakfast? I should really learn when to shut the fuck up.

So excited was I to wrap myself around a pole, I didn't even mind the stench, and neither, apparently, did the nine other women in the class. It was taught by a former stripper named Champagne. Or Merlot. Alize? Shit, I don't remember. For sixty minutes, she patiently coached ten women in varying degrees of unfit the sensual art of pole dancing. It was the most fun I'd ever had breaking a sweat. I broke so much of a sweat that every time I jumped up on the pole, I'd slide right down to the floor. While everyone else was hanging on to the pole in mid-air, my feet were firmly planted to the ground no matter how many times I dried the pole or my sweaty hands. So as long as we didn't have to climb, I was good.

At the end of the class, we had to do our own thing. She played music for about three minutes and we had to show her what we'd learned. You should have seen us tossing our hair from side to side, twirling our hips, kicking our legs. We looked like a group of giant babies learning how to walk. On crack.

But that shit was fun! I think every woman should try it at least once. At least that way I won't be the only Teri Hatcher victim. I liked it so much that I signed up for the premium package which included a pair of six inch clear stilletto heels and a year's worth of classes. I've never gone back, though, and the only time I've worn the clear heels is when my husband wanted me to try them on "just to see how they look." That was about five or six years ago.

I wonder if my contract is still good?

23 comments:

  1. That's pretty cool, I've always wanted to try a pole dancing class, I'm too shy I guess! Nice post :D

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  2. Oh that's too funny! I must confess, I, too, have given thought to taking one of these classes "for fitness." Of course, I have no sense of rhythm, no sense of direction or how to move, can't dance, and am totally out of shape. And no upper arm strength. I think I'd be GREAT! We could open a club and men could pay us to STOP dancing!

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  3. I have heard other women say the same thing as you about it being fun.

    And I guess thanks for the blog pimping.

    And for the record I don't hate the Ravens since I am a Steelers fan. I respect them a lot actually. They have a lot of talent on that team.

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  4. too funny!

    yeah, back 18 years ago or so i dated a stripper. she did say the pole was not as easy as it looks.

    i took her word for it.

    Bruce
    bruce johnson jadip
    evilbruce
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book
    Dreamodel Guy
    dreamodeling!

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  5. I'd actually really like to try that. I'd probably be the chick on the ground, too, but it still sounds fun!

    Oh and....I ugh missed you. :)

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  6. There would have to be 2 poled to hold my fat ass up in the air. One would bend like a paperclip...hehe. Hugs and great post.

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  7. I am so in! I'm going to find a pole and have at it. And NOW I have a way to make some extra cash too. Whoot!

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  8. That's too funny. I've wanted to try it, but I don't know if I'd have the "balls" to do it. I'm still working up the courage to join yoga! And thanks for the picture. Now I'm even more terrified! :)

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  9. I would LOVE to read a series of posts on the subject.

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  10. I have heard a lot of the popularity of pole dancing classes in a fitness manner. I, myself, have never tried them - but maybe someday-haha! You never know about expiration dates though, seriously, if the owner is anything like the owner of my place of work, expiration dates mean nothing - for goodness sake, we would hate for people to feel rushed to come in! I'm not even going to get started, I could seriously write a whole blog post about just that - so for now I'll save it.
    Anywhoo! Glad you had a bit of fun with your classes!

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  11. I've heard pole dancing is really challenging but I'm sure you did better than you are letting on. Aside from the classes smelling like dirty booty, I'm kind of inspired to give it a try ...or maybe just wear the shoes.
    xo

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com/

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  12. Took them and made it to level 6 then freaked out when they wanted me to hang upside down by my fat thighs. It's a great work out and really fun...until you reach a level that your body rebels against...and the heels...yeah...couldn't even stand in them..lol...

    thearcherfamilyquest.blogspot (shameless promotion) :)

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  13. Blah- Trust me, all the other women will look just like you and they'll be so busy trying not to fall that they won't even notice what you're doing.

    Lolamouse- I'm totally on board with that idea! If I wear some booty shorts, they'll be paying us to stop before they even make it inside.

    OT- Of course, it's all love. I talk trash only because I know you're too far away to kick my ass. As a result, I will NOT be notifying you when I visit my best friend in Pittsburgh.

    Bruce- Smart man! Pole dancing ain't for suckers.

    JM- Speaking as the chick on the ground, it was awesomeness. You should definitely try it. Don't tell your Dad I said that.

    Barb- That's okay, though. You could straddle that paper clip pole and be the sexiest bitch in the class!

    Tame- Okay, as long as you tell your hubby it wasn't my idea.

    Hannah- Don't let the pic fool you. They're all pros. They had to post a good one for the website to have everyone thinking it's all easy and shit.

    Deidra- Unfortunately, that was my first and last class. If someone else wants to take it from here, be my guest.

    Mskanorado- Now I'm inspired to call up and see if I can still take the classes. I'm not going to, but it'll be good to know.

    Empress- You're right, I did pretty damn well. But that's not funny, so... ;)

    Dad- Once again proving my point about how easy you are.

    Susan- At least you made it to level six! I took one class, paid for a whole bunch of them and never went back. Talk about impulse buying...

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  14. Kimber- You should Google that shit and see if they have them in your area. I'm almost positive they do.

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  15. I know pole dancing is considered an art, and it actually has competitions and so on. I know my husband likes it. Then again, like any male, he likes a woman who is half or fully naked swinging their stuff in his face... I'll never fully understand a guy... but I've been wanting to try pole dancing just to try it.. but scared that I'll end up with a broken bone...

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  16. I would like to try it just once. I would probably be too busy giggling to be much good at it. My friend "Twilight" does classes and loves it. I think I will keep my feet mostly on the ground and stick to Zumba

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  17. My hands are too sweaty for the pole, I'm sure. I even have to wear my weight lifting gloves to handle a pool cue.

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  18. Beautiful- by the time you can climb the pole, you'll be too skilled to fall.

    Mynx- We were all giggling. That was part of the fun.

    Holly- That's why I kept sliding off the pole! I never even thought of weight lifting gloves.

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  19. Ok..I am still here...still surfing because your blog is AWESOME!!

    I never leave a comment with a link to my blog, because that is not polite...but you need to check this out!

    http://hockeywifetales.blogspot.com/2011/02/strength.html

    I have been taking pole for over a year, and I am now training to teach. There is nothing better than pole fitness! GIve it another shot...but I am wondering why a room would stink? our studio doesn't (thank God).....

    Cheers!

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  20. I don't think it's impolite at all...I think it's convenient. You just saved me a good thirty seconds by posting the link in your comment. I appreciate time savers more than you can ever know.

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Bitch with me, will you?