Monday, January 24, 2011

Public Service Announcement: Laptops

The following is a Public Service Announcement about laptop usage.

WARNING: Laptop usage may be hazardous to your health. Recent studies have shown that prolonged usage of a laptop while resting on a bed may cause a condition known as Lard Ass Disease Laptop Edition. LADLE has been associated with serious ailments such as severe muffin top-itis,
Make mine a double.
 cottage cheese thigh-opathy,
You can get a whole tub of this stuff at Sam's Club.
 inflammation of the bat wings,

 and multiple chin syndrome.
Apparently, there's a website that just gives people double chins. I wonder if they take donations?
 These conditions, while not fatal, may cause:
1. confusion over why your jeans don't fit
2. intense fear of swimsuit shopping
3. continuous chair breakage
4. the wearing of long pants and sleeves in the summertime
5. repeated embarrassing questions from small children such as, "Mommy, why is that lady so fat?" and "She's not going to sit on me, is she?" and worst of all "When is Mrs. Claus supposed to fly back to the North Pole?"

Please be aware of the dangers of LADLE. It is a progressive disease. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it. One minute you're blogging away at 150 pounds, and the next you're blogging away at 170 pounds with a donut stick hanging from your mouth like a cigarette. Children are losing their parents at an alarming rate to LADLE. They're finding that their parents no longer want to play Dance, Dance Revolution on Wii. No one is playing catch in the back yard with their sons. Little girls are forced to have tea parties alone. Teenagers are cyber bullying and having sex right under their parents' noses and it's all going unnoticed.

Please. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for the children.

That is all.

Has anyone else been diagnosed with this disease? Just me? Damn.

Anyway, now that the whole world knows that my New Year's Resolutions are right on target, I want to thank two of my awesome friends for bestowing upon me the LOL Award.

Somehow, Jumble Mash, and The Tame One got the idea that I occasionally make people laugh. I don't know about all that, but I am tremendously grateful for their kind words and the amazing award. Thank you, ladies! These ladies have been known to make me laugh my ass off, which, as I told Tame, is a good thing because I've got plenty of ass to spare. I usually blow off choose not to do the award conditions just because the friends who award me have most, if not all, the same friends I have in the blog world. I try not to make you read the same post over here that you've already read at about ten other blogs because I want you to keep coming back. That's not to say I'm ungrateful. To the contrary, I am still amazed that there are people in this world who not only enjoy reading my bullshit, but also think it's award-worthy. Please don't stop showering me with awards. I love them. I love you. But I don't want people to skip past my post because they think they're going to read the same old thing. Not that I do that to anyone...

So even though I will not be telling you seven things you don't already know about me (let's face it, if you read this blog long enough, you will know every freaking thing there is to know), I will pass this award on to seven other blogs that I find hilarious.

So here they are, listed in the order that they appear on my blog roll (if you've already received this award, suck it up. You're getting it again and you're gonna be fucking happy about it):

A Vapid Blonde
Absolutely Narcissism
Can U Relate?
Jumble Mash
Make Daddy a Sammich
Rants from the Hormonally Challenged
Simple Dude in a Complex World
stupid stuff i see and hear
the bitchy waiter
The Ranter's Box
This and That (As I Bounce Thru Life)
Thoughts of an Oxymoron
Unsound Reasoning

What? I like funny. Also, I don't follow rules because I'm bad ass like that.

If you want to list seven things about yourself, and link the award back to me, and pass it on to seven people, and notify them on their blogs, go right ahead. If you don't, you have my permission to simply enjoy the fact that I find you so incredibly, gut-bustingly funny, that I thought you deserved to be recognized.

Or you could send me fifty bucks.



  1. I laughed so hard! Those pictures are going to give me nightmares though, lol. And the child crying, it's priceless!

  2. The LOL Award is definitely an award you are worthy of! I always come to your blog when I need a good laugh (and even when I don't)! Congrats and enjoy your award

  3. Wow. First congrats on the award, you are funny.

    Second thank you for giving me the award.

    Third I wonder if what I said on my post today about the Steelers is what got me the award.

    Anyways, thank you very much. And go read my post today about the Steelers. You should find it funny.

  4. I lol'd. No, really! I did! Especially because of the donut stick.

  5. Well thank you for handing the award back to me! I'm glad I make you laugh!

    P.S. Photos were disturbing. I'm going to run on a treadmill now.

    P.P.S. yeah right.

  6. Maybe I'd better rethink the whole purchasing a laptop idea and stick with my "stand in front of the desktop computer so I can attend to every freaking crisis that my family comes up with" way of blogging. Maybe I'll be able to avoid turning into someone like those pictures. (*shudder*)

  7. Congrats on your award and thank you for handing it on to me. I am happy I make you laugh and just where did you get that pic of my ass? I thought I burned them all

  8. yes, that illness is quite common in california, and i seem to have acquired it since being here.

  9. hey thanks baby...good post as usual! i really love the award...BET does not get the proper good a ttention he should and then he fucks with me...

    you know what else is good?

    awards! (this same fucking award!~)

    i gave you one! (JADIP BLOG)
    (now you have three!)

    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    Bruce’s Evil Twin
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

  10. Congratulations on your LOL award!!!! And thanks so much for my award. Ya bad ass!!! LOLOLOL.

    Loves me some you.

  11. Whew, now I finally understand why my pants were tight this week and how it came to be that I developed those lovely bat wings. So, eating cupcakes while blogging is a no-no?

    Congratulations on your now over-flowing award trophy case. Well deserved. And thank you so much for passing the award my way. It's nice to be appreciated for bringing a smile or laugh to someone's day.

    BIG HUGS!!

  12. First of all, how did you get into my house and take my picture? That's what I feel like. So yes, I have LADLE.

    Second...I'm glad you find me LOL funny. Thank you very much for the award.

    Third...I am short on cash so I can't send 50 bucks. Would you take 50 hugs instead? You are so cool!

  13. that was too funny and congrats

  14. Beautiful- I thought the crying child was a nice touch.

    Mskanorado- Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoy it.

    OT- I hadn't read your post about the Steelers yet, but you can bet I will now.

    Mollie- Sad, funny, but true. Little Debbie makes them. They're freaking delicious.

    JM- yeah, they didn't bother me enough to exercise either.

    Hannah- I'm pretty sure standing burns calories...somehow.

    Mynx- No, that's actually my ass. I photo-shopped it so nobody would recognize me.

    Lovkyne- Baltimore is known for its women with stomachs that are bigger than their asses, so I think I have you beat. ;)

    Bruce- Well, this only goes to show that BET is also MY evil twin, except can you call it an evil twin when you're both evil? Thanks, honey!

    Tory- I loves me some Tory, too! If we lived in the same city, posters of us would be hanging up in the Post Office.

    Empress- Isn't it, though? Bringing smiles to others, that's the best part, really. You can eat as many cupcakes as you'd like as long as you don't drop any crumbs in your laptop. That's just a waste of good cake.

    Barb- Exchanging hugs for money usually only works for children. But since I've alienated everyone in my house, I'll take my hugs, thanks.

    Eschelle- IKR? Pass me the donut sticks.

    Becca- Thank you, honey! I appreciate the love.

  15. Mrs. Hyde...thank you from the bottom of my frozen little did however create conflict for me...."enjoy the fact that I find you so incredibly, gut-bustingly funny, that I thought you deserved to be recognized." or "Or you could send me fifty bucks" was touch and go but since I don't have your address, I guess I'll enjoy the award :-)

  16. That was hilarious.........a bit too close to home though ..........

  17. Dad- Dammit! I knew I'd forgotten something. Oh, well, enjoy!

    Yesterday- I know! The reason I wrote it was sort of a wake-up call for myself that even thought I'm not doing the whole diet thing this year, I still need to occasionally get off my ass. And welcome to my blog!

  18. So I am not sure how I can ever unsee that unspeakable picture up know the one of Jim Carrey. GAH! ;-)

    Thank you for the award. I am horrible at these things but I do so much appreciate them and I will get to it...when you least expect it. In like 800 years. Or on my fun filled saturday evenings spen watching my husband watch hockey!

  19. Mrs. Hyde,
    Thank you for the award! I'm glad I make someone besides myself laugh! I will post it proudly! (And I'm seriously jealous that you won Rabbit's drawing but if someone had to have it who wasn't myself, then I'm glad it's you!)

  20. I've no bitches for today EXCEPT: I am just too straight for this crowd--and no where near loose enough. Something drastic needs to be done. I could learn something here--like I should stop beating myself up over the ten pounds I gained. I'm still under 150 and I can see my toes in the shower. Thank you very much. But you are a hoot and congrats on the LOL award. You deserve it.

  21. Oh god, did you have to do that? I just ate dinner. I ate one less bite "for the children" and feel so much better now, knowing that I have done my part. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going for dessert.

  22. Vapid- Don't sweat it. I'll send you my PayPal address so you can get that $50 right out to me.

    Lolamouse- I'm going to take LOTS of pictures and email them to you. That'll teach you to send me pics of your dog.

    L.W.- What?! You fit in just fine around here. If you've gained ten pounds and are still under 150, you've got no complaints. That's my goal day.

    OMS- I forgot to save anything for the children tonight. Tomorrow for sure.

  23. Holy Crap! Those pictures are something else!! Congrats on the LOL award!

  24. HOW DID YOU GET THOSE PICTURES OF ME!!!??? They were private! lol

  25. That donut-like-a-cigarette situation just happened to me last Saturday while I was blogging. Oh my god, I've caught the disease!


Bitch with me, will you?