Saturday, February 5, 2011

Random Acts of Dumbassness Revisited

Did you see it? Look to your left. How about now? Not that, silly. I'm talking about my Studio Thirty Plus 2011 Boomerang Award for Best Mommy Blog! Yay me! I want to extend my heartfelt thanks to each and every one of you who voted for me. I don't care if you weren't actually familiar with my blog at the time, but only voted because you liked the name A Bitch Called Mom. A vote is a vote. Besides, I did the same thing with the categories where I didn't recognize any of the blogs. This confirms my suspicions that I am the best thing since butter pecan ice cream. I knew it.

In case you missed it, here it is again.
Isn't she purty?
I think is says something that the Best Mommy Blog title went to a blog that bitches about motherhood (and countless other things).  I think women are grateful that I am not ashamed that, while I adore my children, motherhood can be a bitch. A big, sexy bitch at that.

While I was dicking around otherwise occupied this week, I also received this award from Chief a.k.a. Dad over at Unsound Reasoning. I usually don't bother with all that a.k.a. crap, but apparently, some of you were uncomfortable calling him Dad, so he changed his moniker for his loyal readers. You're lucky it was him and not me because if my blog name was Pussy Willow and my readers had a problem calling me 'Pussy', then that would just be your fucking problem, wouldn't it? Don't worry, Chief, you'll always be my daddy Dad to me. ;)


Hannah at Erratic Questions About a Simple Life gave me this one
stylish-blogger-252baward
The Stylish Blogger Award. This is the third time I've received this award and I just have one question: how do you people know I'm stylish? Most of you have only seen the one picture of me, and in that pic I just so happen to be dressed up (it was my 20th high school reunion. More on that at a later date). I really don't care, award whore that I am, I was just wondering.

Thank you, lady and gentleman, for your kind words and blog love. I eat this shit up like king crab legs and melted butter. It's fucking orgasmic. It's also apparent to me that every time I ignore you guys for a few days, you shower me with awards to gain my attention. So to keep our dysfunctional relationship going, I shall continue to abuse you.

A few months back, I attempted to create a regular weekly series called Random Acts of Dumbassness. In this series, I would comb the internet for stupidity, and there is stupidity a-fucking-plenty on there, post my faves, and have my readers vote on the best one, dubbed Dumbass of the Week. That series never had a chance to get to get off the ground because the following week, my friend was killed over a parking space. I plunged into an abyss of sadness and anger for awhile, and by the time I emerged, I'd forgotten all about it.

Well, it's back! I couldn't just let all that stupidity go un-bitched about. I don't think it will be a weekly occurrence, but I will pull it out and dust it off for you occasionally. I meant that in the dirtiest way possible.

Click this link to see our first contestant, Ass to Mouth Disease. Sue me, okay. I couldn't figure out how to embed the picture into this post, so I just provided a link. What? The website wouldn't let me copy and paste, which is pretty much all I know how to do. How stupid or stoned do you have to be to brush your teeth with Preparation H? When his mouth starts to smell like itchy, burning ass, I'm sure he'll learn his lesson and read the label next time, ten shots of tequila or not.


Our second contestant is Cancer Head:
youre-an-idiot-19
God didn't make crack heads for our amusement, people.
This has got to be one of those things where they pay homeless people to do stupid shit and then post it on the net. I'll bet he's got one up his ass, too. Why the hell not? It's no worse than this.

Next, we have Boy-Stuffed Shark:
a youre an idiot 7 You're an idiot. Part 3 (26 photos)
I wonder what's eating little Timmy?
Sadly, this was the last time Timmy was ever seen alive. Let's bow our heads in a moment of silence and pray that the rest of his siblings don't make the mistake of taunting a hungry shark. Seriously, he couldn't be sending a bigger dinner invitation to the shark if he jumped into the shark's mouth himself. BTW, that would have been his next trick...had he survived.

And finally our last contestant and my personal fave, Gangster Church:
That little window of text on the pic? I didn't do that. You know I'm tech challenged.
If you're not a member of this church, you ain't shit. And not only are you not shit, they won't hesitate to do a drive by on your punk ass or straight jack you for your papers if they catch yo ass in the streets. I want to know who's idea this was. And I want to know who approved of it. And I want to know who sold the shirts at the church bazaar. And I want to know how many of said members thought it was a good idea to not only buy one, but also wear it proudly outside the four walls of their bedrooms. I guess it's true that sheep will follow you anywhere you lead them. Can you imagine what one of their Sunday services looks like? I can see it now...a 400 pound bouncer at the door to keep out the riffraff,  he doesn't speak a word, but if you get out of hand, he slowly opens his blazer to reveal the Glock that's strapped to his waist. Video ho attire and colorful weaves are the norm. Instead of playing hymns as they pass the collection plate, they play songs like Get Money by Junior Mafia. The ushers crip walk down the aisle and little old ladies throw their hands in the air and praise the Lord like they just don't care as the choir sings  In Da Club by 50 Cent. After all, God is in da club, right? The pastor comes out looking like an unholy cross between Dolemite and the pope. He is lavished with praise and amens as he informs the congregation that the deacons will be pimp-slapping all the non-tithers. 

Sorry for rambling on that one. I'm just trying to wrap my head around a church that openly condones stupidity in the name of God.

Cast your votes in the comments below. If you don't cast a vote for Dumbass of the Week, you ain't shit! 

20 comments:

  1. I saw that go down! Congratulations on the so well-deserved award!

    I want to nominate Gangster Church but for different reasons.

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  2. Congratulations on your award!!!!

    I vote for the Gangsta Church.

    Oh and I tagged you over at my place. no it isn't an award but you might find it entertaining.

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  3. Congrats on the award. I voted for you on that one.

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  4. I vote for the "church" simply because I hate hypocrites.

    Oh, and your awards are definitely deserved. We all love us some ABCM!

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  5. Oh definitely the shirt. I feel like this is going to win by a landslide.

    And well deserved awards!

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  6. Congratulations on your blogger award(s). Well done and well deserved. I hope that you have a big celebratory shindig planned this weekend in honor of this momentous occasion ...and to get the party started, here is my virtual CHEERS!!!

    As far as the dumbasses go, call me sick and twisted but I kind of like the boy about to be eaten by the shark. The churchy t-shirt is a very close second being that it is so incredibly christian-like.

    Happy Weekend my friend!

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com/

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  7. First off, congrats on the awards. They are all very well deserved. Now someone needs to start paying you to write this blog and you'll be all set.

    Secondly, I love the homeless man smoking cigarettes out of his every orifice. I vote for that but mostly because of your comment, "he's probably got one up his ass too. Why the hell not? " Funniest line I've read in a really long time. But the church shirt is funny as hell also.

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  8. Congrats again on your award!!! And my vote definitely has to go to the church shirt. I must admit, though, many churches do have this same attitude about non-members but don't spell it out quite so ... bluntly...and on a t-shirt!

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  9. Yay you!!! Butter pecan is my favorite ice cream...but I'd trade it for you :-)

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  10. congrats on the award lovely lady. Totally deserved. I vote for shark snack but only because I kinda like the shirt and I have no idea about the church stuff over there.

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  11. congrats! well deserved!

    some believe that the church is really satans way of manipulating his flock!

    i cannot understand why the world is so fucked, until i see shit like this...

    my newest feature on my stupid stuff blog is you might be a fucktard... these asshats...are a shoe in!

    Bruce
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    dreamodeling!
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

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  12. Congrats on all your awards. Especially the Studio30Plus one! I love your blog! :)

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  13. Thanks to all of you for kind congrats!

    @Mollie- I would love to know your reasons.

    @Empress- Best. Weekend. Ever.

    @Holly- From your fingers to God's eyes!

    @Lolamouse- Many? You're being too kind. I'd say most.

    @Dad- Sorry, hubby doesn't like butter pecan. Try cigars...that'll definitely work. ;)

    @Bruce- LOVE that new feature!

    @Bella & Kimber- I love you for loving my blog!

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  14. Congratulations on the awards....my vote? For the Church guy...

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  15. Congrats on winning and the awards!!!! Totally deserved!

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  16. Bloody hell, you reeled me in with those crazyass photos, lady! O_O

    Congrats on your award, too.~

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  17. Thanks guys. I really appreciate the love! ♥

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Bitch with me, will you?