Friday, February 11, 2011

Handyman Sucks Donkey Balls: Film at Eleven

This is part two of the story I started yesterday. Click here if you've been avoiding my blog and need to catch up. I'm appalled, but I'll wait for you to come back.


The back door had been missing a screen door since Inspector Dickwad (thanks, Kara!) made me remove it while he stood there and watched. I think he may have even gotten off on watching me sweat and struggle while he stood his geeky ass there offering no help whatsoever. Lanky bastard. We knew we needed a new one, but with now four kids and one income, it just wasn't a priority.

Last year, the pipe under the kitchen sink started leaking. I asked my Facebook friends in a status update if they knew a good handyman. A friend recommended a guy that we grew up with; his grandfather was the pastor of our church. I remembered that he used to do handy work when we were younger and he had even replaced a lock for me once, so I called him and we made arrangements and blah blah blah. He repaired the leaky pipe, no problem, so I asked if he would look at the door and give me an estimate. For $205, he would buy the screen door, install it, paint the back door (which was peeling from years of weather exposure), and change the lock. Great! Small price to pay for all that quality work, right? 

Oh, how wrong I was. This is that rare glimpse of my being taken advantage of that I promised you yesterday. Is your printer on?

I gave him a check for the full amount because, foolishly, I trusted this pastor's grandson that I had known for 20 years. I remember asking him, "Don't you have to measure the door frame?" To which he replied, "I already did." That was quick, I thought. Boy, does he work fast. He was supposed to come back in three days, which would give him time to order the door, if necessary, and get all the supplies. That would have been Thursday. 

Thursday came and went. He didn't even call. I called and left a very, um, firm message on his voicemail. He called about an hour later apologizing that he was still at work and he had lost track of time, and asked if he could come the next day. 

"Hell, no you can't come tomorrow. I have shit to do that I was supposed to do today that I didn't do because your high yellow ass was supposed to be here installing my fucking door!" Clearly, I didn't give a rat's ass that I knew this guy from church.

More apologies as he attempted to calm me down. I could have let him come on Friday. I really didn't have anything to do, but I couldn't let him monopolize my time. It was the principle, you see. We decided he would come on Monday at 9 AM. By 10:30 on Monday, when he still hadn't showed or called, I was on the verge of a killing spree. I called him again. He was on his way to Home Depot at that very moment TO SEE IF THEY HAD THE DOOR I NEEDED and then he was coming straight to my house. And by the way, I still owed him $45 because he had forgotten to include the price of the paint and the lock. I'm convinced that I heard a vessel pop in my head, but considering I'm still alive and the left half of my body still functions properly, maybe it was my imagination. I recalculated everything, realized that he had forgotten to include those things in his price and told him to just come the hell on because it was going to be really difficult for him to walk with my foot in his ass if he didn't.

Finally, he showed up, installed the door, replaced the lock, but couldn't paint the door because he had forgotten to bring the paint. He'd left it at home, but he promised that he'd come back on Wednesday to finish the job. I was so happy to finally have had my door installed that I didn't really give a shit at that point. Just get the fuck outta my house before I let my husband do to you what he's been wanting to for two weeks now. I gave him $45 cash this time because somewhere in the back of mind, I still felt like I could trust him. I know, fucking stupid. And this was just last year, so I can't blame youth.

Of course, he didn't show up on Wednesday and, of course, he didn't call. I didn't call him this time because I wanted to see if he would even bother to call me and offer an explanation. He never called. It's been almost a year and I still haven't gotten a phone call from him. I sent my "friend" who'd recommended him a message on FB, telling her that he had essentially taken my money and not done the work he was paid for. She said, "I know! He did the same thing to me!" 

What?! Well, why the fuck did she recommend him to me? I don't get it. Are they trying to drive me to drink? 'Cause everybody knows I'm only three shots of Cuervo away from alcoholism. It's a very delicate situation over here.

As you might imagine, if someone takes advantage of my good heart and kind nature, I don't take it too well. I've imagined many diabolical things that I would like to have done to him. I thought of superimposing an image of his head onto the body of a guy 'taking one up the ass' and mailing it to his wife. Thankfully, I still have at least two brain cells left to rub together (also, I don't know how to do that shit), so if he has been harmed in anyway, I had nothing to do with it. 

I swear. 

Turns out the screen door was too small for the frame and he forced it in there with blocks of wood. There are still gaps around the screen, so if you leave the inside door open, flies will find their way into my kitchen while I'm trying to decorate one of my beautiful cakes.
This is a Valentine's cake I did last year for a friend.
There is a big gap around the lock where he cut the wrong sized hole for it. And the pipe under the sink? Still leaky. 

Hubby wants to stuff his head into that gap around the lock. I can't let him do that because he's the only one working. If he goes to jail, we'll starve. 

And hooking ain't what it used to be.

Do you have any home improvement nightmares? Please share. I know I'm not the only (temporary) dumbass.


  1. I hate contractors like that. And sadly there seem to be more of them than there are good ones.

  2. Only in the boonies would this happen...we had to have our septic pumped out. The guy came out for an estimate and I gave him a map of our property with septic marked on it. He said they charged $45 to "locate" the septic. I said it was already located-just look at the map. Nope. Not good enough. Fine. Work it into the final price. I thought by "locating" they were going to uncover the cover to the system so they could access it. Nope again. They put a flag in the ground! We had to uncover it-an hour of shoveling hard, clay dirt. They come back and say that they can't pump it out because we didn't uncover it completely! The 2 big, muscled guys they sent can't finish it, and they won't wait for me to do it either (about 10 mins. work to go to the very edges). They want to know when they should come back. I tell them NEVER. I get another company that, BTW, has no problem finishing the job. About a month later, I get a bill from the first company for $45 for "locating" the septic!

  3. OOOOHhh!! When we did our bathrooms the asshole that we bought the tile from was recommended by a friend. A job that was suppose to take two weeks……This asshole didn’t do the demo he was suppose to, that was in my quote, that I paid half the money upfront for! Complained and sent in these fucking degenerates that were not his employees, they were sub contractors. Three different crews and 5 months later I had my bathrooms done. Wouldn’t you know the grout is coming up now. How the fuck does that happen? This shit is only 2 years old. My grandparents had the same grout for 25 years and the shit never cracked and came out. Anyway….I would love to bust his fool face, but I’m too pretty for prison.

    Next time I’ll find my own asshole, no need to take referrals from friends.

  4. "Clearly, I didn't give a rat's ass that I knew this guy from church." - Not going to lie... this is funny right here! Sorry about the handyman nightmare!

  5. I have been in almost the same situation. A couple of years ago we got a phone call from someone telling me they had a construction company and did we have any work needing done? I said no then told my husband about the call later when he got home. (Stupid me.) He told me to set up a time for them to come out next time they call because he did have something he wanted done. They called and a guy came over. Turns out the owner of the company went to high school with my husband. They gave my husband a quote and asked for half as down payment to buy supplies. I wrote the check for $700. (Again, I should be shot.) They cashed the check as soon as they left my house and never came back. My husband stalked them for a while trying to get our money back. No good. Eventually we made a police report and it was turned over to the State's Attorney because they had done it to a bunch of people and it eventually went to court. The "owner" plead guilty and is supposed to pay everyone back. The other guy got the charges against him dropped because he now has "dementia" and can't help his attorney form a defense. (Which I think is total crap.) So far we haven't gotten a single cent out of "the owner." It's bullshit.

  6. I held off from commenting on your first post, and I'm glad I did! Wow, not only is the whole foster program a crock of old shit stewing, this guy needs his ass kicked. He is a bona fide flake. If it was me, I wouldn't care about my two brain cells left and go over there and stuff my size six and half combat boot that I saved for a special occasion up his ass! Girl, that's why you can't take people at face value anymore. This world has gotten that bad, you can't even trust your best friend with your shopping list!

    And I laughed at your last comment. Lol, no hooking isn't what it was! I am falling in love with your no nonsense blog posts. Keep them rolling! I need a good laugh at least once in awhile!

  7. I bought a house in Jun 2010 and the first thing I wanted done was relocating the laundry room. Since the only thing I know about plumbing is that shit don't flow uphill..I decided to hire a handyman the had a flyer on the bulletin board at work.

    He came out, gave me what I considered a reasonable quote, so I hired him. The day came, he got the job done in the time he had told me he would and the quality of the work was acceptable...not great but OK...after all it's a laundry room!

    He explains that he's been a full time handyman for about a year and is trying to build up his business. So I told him I was interested in having some lights installed in the basement and garage if he wanted to give me an estimate...I was thinking around5 or 6 hundred was a fair price.

    This greedy asshole must have thought he had stumbled onto the goose who laid the golden egg...he called a few days later and told me he could do it....for $1200 !!! Told him thanks but no thanks...bought a book and did it myself for about $250!

  8. Cheats with no morals have a special, really hot place waiting for them.... These jerks have no conscience whatsoever. BTW, I will just assume that your "friend" is no longer a friend, because she sure didn't behave like one. Oh, and I hope you smeared that guy's bad name wherever you could - he deserved it.

  9. OT- Calling him a contractor is a huge stretch. There's no way that bastard is licensed.

    Lolamouse- Oh, I hope like hell you didn't pay that bill. They would have had to take me to court for that shit.

    Barb & Mollie- It's so funny that you say that because he is a recovering addict. I don't know what his drug of choice was, though.

    Mamma- Wow. Five months? I guess I should stop complaining then.

    Manager- Yeah, there's a reason I got kicked out of Sunday school on the regular.

    Becca- Thanks, hon! I could use lots of those.

    Hannah- That's some bullshit. Everybody want to plead insanity when the shit hits the fan.

    Beautiful- I'm serious. I figured nobody wants to see my fat ass stripping, so...

    Dad- $1200 for some lighting? What the fuck did he think he was installing? The sun?

    OMS- I thought of calling him out on FB and telling people not to hire him. But I thought about it and he didn't deserve all that energy I was about to give him. So fuck him. Karma is a big, sexy bitch.

  10. My stepdad is a contractor who likes to rip people off with false advertising. As in his company claims to save energy and be "green" but it doesn't do a thing. He just charges you more anyway. Gotta love the coporate machine.

  11. Hmmm,how about one week before handing over keys of house to new owners, hubby fixes air-conditioning but doesn't tighten pipes leading to large wet hole in ceiling. Lol. Good thing I love him

  12. man i would have snapped, just snapped!!

  13. Found your blog today from The Taylor Family Ranch blog. Love what I have read so far!

  14. I think the real villain in this story is not the worthless handyman, but the friend that recommended him. What the hell? Who recommends someone who does shitty work and takes off with your money?

  15. Ugh...there's nothing more I can say about the dumbass contractor that hasn't already been said in previous comments. But the cakes are beautiful!...yes, also already been said, but bears repeating.

  16. I have such a litany of construction problems (new home construction, partly modular) I hardly can decide which one to mention. I'll just start with one: I have an excavator who installed my Town water tap line while the Town official stood over him to watch and certify it was done correctly and didn't leak. The only problem is that neither the official nor the excavator guy bothered to make sure the tap was successful and the water was flowing. Town guy said "yep, no leaks, go ahead and fill the trench back". So the excavator filled in the trench, I then paid a concrete company to come fill the top 2 feet with 'flow fill' and then had it re-asphalted as required by the Town. Come to find out 2 weeks later when we were ready to 'turn on the water to the house', there was no water. The water tap failed. The excavator had never done "one those kind before", and of course there was "no leaks" - BECAUSE THERE WAS NO WATER FLOWING. Despite conversations with the Town attorney, they accept no responsibility for certifying a dry line. And this is in a cold winter resort mountain town and they have a "No Dig" law in their streets from Nov. 1 until April 15. So I can have no water repair for 5 1/2 months. Meanwhile we are trying to finish the house without the use of running water. Ever tried that? Tile grout is especially fun. The excavator is a youngish good ole farm boy with little to no money, but he is a church goer. He says he will fix it come spring. He is broke and in danger of being foreclosed on, and is looking for work anywhere on the planet including Alaska. I have to just hope that come spring he will even still be around, and that he somehow will miraculously have the money to rent another backhoe, be able to pay for more flow fill and to pay for more asphalt, and be able to fix his mistake. I barely had enough money for this whole project in the first place, let have to pay for it again. ARRRRRGGH.

  17. I am so glad I just found your I read, my son kept asking me why I was laughing so hard. I am putting you on my sidebar as the blog that made me laugh out loud! I will be back to read some more...


  18. Could there ever be someone more mentally challenged than him on the face of earth? Uggh!!!

  19. Sarah- Take heart; as I've said many times before, karma is a bitch.

    Mynx- well, I'd say he's allowed to screw up his own house. It was still technically his. ;)

    Eschelle- every now and then I discover the ability to remain calm in frustrating situations such as this.

    Cakeologist- I'm glad you like it here. And PLEASE tell the Taylors I said thank you for sending you over. You are welcome to stick around for as long as you'd like and I hope that's a very long time. Welcome!

    Holly- Yes, she is the real villain and I assure you that bitch is looking over her shoulder as we speak.

    Sandra- Thank you! I like to decorate cakes for fun, but then people start to demand I do stuff for them during special occasions. That takes all the fun out of it for me. Didn't mind doing this one, though because I was snowed in and bored to tears.

    Bandita- Wow...that's a shitty situation all around. Here, have some tequila.

    Hockey Wife- Aw, thank you so much! Please do read more. There is plenty of insanity to go around. Welcome!

    Caterpillar- If there are, you can bet there aren't many.


Bitch with me, will you?