Thursday, February 17, 2011

Dear Whiny Little Girl

Yesterday I received my first hate mail. Hot damn! I have arrived! You're not anybody in this blorld (blog world) if no one hates you.

I did a post about an episode of My Strange Addiction on TLC where the woman was addicted to makeup. I found it hilarious and, indeed strange. Her daughter did not. I didn't give a shit. I still don't, but because she's just a young bitch girl, I feel the need to address her concerns. Blame it on my maternal instincts.

Here is the comment from IAMASADBITCH with some red-pen corrections from yours truly:

"okay mrs hyde!
apparently you need a job and/ or a new hobby because its (it's) obvious you have neither when you can sit here all day long on the computer & waste your time, write an entire article about my beautiful mother when you don't even no (the word you're looking for is 'know') her! its (it's) apparent your (you're) unhappy with yourself for you to sit there and write all these negative things about other advice grow up, get a life & grow some class (I don't think class can be grown, but you wouldn't know that, having none yourself) you look & sound like a complete dirtbag with your trashy mouth! did you ever think for 2 seconds my mother got paid to do this show?! (Of course she did. I never said she was an idiot, I said she was crazy) & if you ask me, you could definatly (definitely) use just as much make up as shes (she's) wearing (Um, no thanks. Deep lines and wrinkles don't appeal to me)!! misery loves company thats probly (that's probably) why you sit on the computer (I don't actually sit on the computer. That would make it difficult to type) all day long for people to agree with your ridiculous nonscence (nonsense), your (you're) sad & i feel sorry for you!

p.s...whatever you have to say about me or my mother will never phase either one of us considering where (we're) happy with ourselves & who we are.. so have fun sitting your ass online all day long making fun out of other people...&& GOD BLESS u sad bitch (Isn't it blasphemous to say 'God' and 'bitch' in the same sentence? So Christian-like...I really believe she's sending blessings my way)! :) <3"

First, I'd like to point out that when a little, red squiggly line appears under a word you've typed, it means the word is misspelled. 
Because you're a child, I won't give you the standard ass whupping usually reserved for full-fledged adults. That would be like arguing with a toddler which, for all intents and purposes, you are.

Do you know what's really sad, IAMASADBITCH? That you actually believed that your mother could go on television, on a nationally broadcast reality show looking like the poltergeist clown and not have people laugh at her. You're not angry with me, honey. You're angry because you couldn't talk your mom out of doing something so ridiculously moronic, it has people begging for more episodes of Jersey Shore. With all the drug addiction and alcoholism and sex and food addictions out there, your mother is addicted to makeup? How the fuck is that not hilarious? Your mother, I'm sure, was well aware of the reactions people would have as we watched her recount all the effort she goes to just to make sure her makeup has staying power and is super intense at all times. It was a blog post waiting to happen, really. It was a stand-up comedian's dream. I wonder if Jay Leno received hate mail from you as well? No? You've gotta respect Maureen's hustle, though. If I, like she, had no job and spent all my money buying makeup in lieu of paying bills and someone offered me money to have my bullshit aired, I'd have to at least consider it. But also, I'd have enough sense to realize that many, many people would call me on said bullshit.

Calling me a bitch is redundant. I know I'm a bitch and so does everyone who reads my blog. It's in the blog title, in case you had too much makeup in your eyes to read it. This is my blog. I can say what the hell I want about whomever I choose. If you didn't like it, creating a bogus account and attempting to insult my readers and me was the wrong way to go. I guess they didn't teach you at Backwoods High that we live in a free country. Freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom to blog about dumbasses at will.

I can appreciate your need to defend your mother. Even though mine was not the best, I was fiercely protective of her, so I get it. It's also very easy to be a badass in cyberspace. But, sweetie, anyone who puts their business on television for the whole world to see is fair game. Just ask celebrities. Everyone with the ability to type, speak, and/or aim a camera makes it a point to be all in their personal lives because once you let the public into your life, it's no longer personal. Your mother wanted her fifteen minutes of fame. She got it. If that has caused you pain, I suggest you take it up with her.

Clearly, you were so busy being offended and embarrassed that you missed my point. My point was that the term "addiction" is grossly overused. I've been guilty of it myself from time to time. People claim to be addicted to Farmville, to reality TV, to carbs, to sniffing cat shit. I don't really care, but it's not addiction. Nobody is addicted to makeup. Please. I can't even wrap my brain around how stupid an idea that is.

I'm not going to address your insults because they're juvenile and they prove just how young and naive and insecure you are. You can save your mean girl act for someone else because tantrums don't bother me. Why don't you go kick a puppy or something? Don't worry, you won't always be this way. You will grow up (hopefully) and you will be able to discern the productive from the counterproductive. I will address the statement you made about how happy you and your mother are with yourselves. You stated that you would not be phased by anything I said.'re showing your hand, little girl. I'd say you're quite phased, otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation. I don't know anything about you aside from your being a coward, but it is obvious that your mother is not happy with herself. If she were, she would not believe that the only way she can be beautiful is to hide herself behind all that makeup. I hope she didn't pass that lesson on to you. As mothers, we try our best not to pass our insecurities on to our children, but our best efforts are not always enough.

I feel sorry for the both of you and don't think that your barely coherent rant didn't give me something to think about. When you see  people on TV, it's easy to forget that they are real people with real problems. They are set apart from you because you don't know them personally. And if they're doing something that you deem ridiculous, well, then they get what they deserve, right? I never thought of her as a real person until your anonymous comment on my blog. If someone had caused my daughter as much pain as my post has obviously caused you, I would be very upset and probably just as irrational. I did not intend to hurt your feelings, didn't even know you existed, but this is not a hole that was dug by me. You're angry with the wrong woman.

Do yourself a favor and stop trolling the internet looking to see who is bashing your mother. Instead, find her a good shrink. That is, if she actually does believe that she's addicted to makeup, which is probably not the case. It's not going to get any better. I doubt there is someone out there going, "I'm addicted to green eyeliner, too! Let's form a support group!" There is a chance, though, and if I find them, I will definitely send them your way. You can rest assured that neither you nor your mom will get anymore attention from me. Stop trying to stretch your fifteen minutes into a half an hour at my expense.

And please inform your mother that black eyeliner is equally dramatic and far less scary.

Every time I set out to rip someone a new one, I start to do that whole mom thing that pisses me off. Oh, well, I'll bring the bitch back tomorrow. Do you guys have any advice for our young visitor? She may never read it, but somehow, I think she'll be back. Remember when you were nineteen and you cared about what other people were saying about you?

BTW, so sorry about the clowns, my friends. I promise to give you plenty of warning next time.


  1. I love it when you're all "COME AT ME, BRO!"

  2. They still make computers that don't spell check? I get that a computer won't always catch your/you're (unfortunately) because that's a grammatical error but still . . .

    Whenever I type into a new box I do a quick 'sdf' to check for the squiggle. Just a tip for the spelling challenged.

  3. To the young visitor, aside from not being good at grammar you are apparently not good at common sense. The minute your mother went on tv, she lost the right to not be made fun. If you don't want someone talking about your mother or making fun of her, keep her off of tv. It is a pretty easy concept to understand.

    And Bitch, I couldn't have said it any better than you just did.

  4. I'm sorry, dear mama, I hadn't read the comments prior to posting my own, or I wouldn't have teased you further about the clown.

    This was a very well-written, mature and classy rebuttal, and I'm impressed beyond measure. I don't have any more to add for Miss Bitch, except that she will (hopefully) someday understand why her mother's "addiction" invoked such a reaction from the people who saw her behavior, and learn from it.

  5. As usual totally awesome! A part of me wishes she was grown because your response would have been completely different. Those are the rants I like.

  6. Love it! I agree with Oilfield Trash 100%

    - just remind me to never piss you off, that kinda made me want to cry... haha!

  7. I still haven't gotten any hate mail. What am I doing wrong?

    If the woman is looking for makeup to buy, I sell Avon. The link is on my blog. I'd be happy to be her enabler.

  8. aaah, I truly loved that. I love Rants, they make the world go around. I think this little girl needs to get a life and stop worrying about what people are saying about her mom. Oh well, one day she will realize what a dambass she's being.

  9. good on ya getting hate mail...

    ida thought by now i would a got some but nope...

    you rock and that is all!

    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

  10. Jen, you know Avon used to sell glimmersticks eyeliner in green....maybe they still do?

    Mrs. Hyde, she's 19 (at least that's what I think she said but now that I go back and look I can't find it). At 19 she's legally a grown up although she types/spells/and grammaticizes (did I just make that word up?) like an 8th grader. I was sort of hoping for the full on "make room bitch because Mrs. Hyde is going to stick her pointy toed pump so far up yo ass you smell shoe leather for the rest of your life" but instead you responded in a classy and mature way. In fact you almost sounded like the zen one.

    I'm so proud to call you friend. <3

  11. great post. you covered all the bases and even showed the softer side of Bitch.

    really, that girl is going to have a LONG road ahead of her if she plans on coming to her mom's defense every time someone has something to say about her.

  12. I think I am addicted to your blog:)

  13. This just makes me love you more. I didn't know that was possible.

    And I haven't forgotten your art thingie - I am working on another piece to go with it.

  14. Well said. Don't think I could add anything to it!

  15. I love your blogs more and more every day!!
    Seriously though, if people are going to put themselves in the spotlight, especially over stupid stuff, they have got to expect what follows.

  16. Right on Mrs. Hyde!! As I was reading the email, I was waiting to make a bunch of points in my comment, but you hit them all. I hope like hell she reads this.

  17. Wow, I couldn't have said it any fact I hate conflict, so I couldn't have said it! This is why I am now addicted to reading your blog, as there is a little voice inside my head that wants out....

    Another smile from your post today! 3 days in a row!!!!<3

  18. *Hangs the medul frum yur neck.* Your the weiner.

    Hahaha! You really do kick some ass Mrs. Hyde.

  19. Third post in a row with ref to hate mail and I am feeling left out, lol not really. Very well handled Mrs Hyde. I have a feeling that the young woman is totally embarrassed by her mother but at least has loyalty which is a good quality even if you cant spell.
    You are right though, mother has to take what comes by putting herself out there like that.

  20. well said and like OMG you made it you got hate mail i'm so jealous great job on your response hugs

  21. See, she just needed guidance and you gave her that. At 19 she sure should know better, but some never get it. You offered her a great service today and me a great laugh. :)

    I'm not really good at blogging and only have 6 people following me....none of them hate me yet. :)

  22. do I get some of that hate mail too? Damn! Your reply was priceless and hysterical at the same time.

  23. Congratulations for getting your very first piece of hate mail. You are now a bonafide star in the blogosphere! I completely agree with the rationale in your rebuttal. And we now know that when a mother spends all of her time plastering globs of spackle onto her face rather than tending to her children, that said children don't learn important things like spelling or emotional maturity. ...It's funny how famewhores always want the fame but never the consequences that go along with having their crazy antics out there for the world to see. ...Oh, and if that Spawn of the Makeup Clown gives you any more lip, just send her snotty little ass over my way for an verbal arse kicking.
    Love you!!

  24. I never thought I'd see so many people so sad about not getting hate-mail.

    I never thought I'D be so sad about not getting hate-mail.


  25. Wow, I think you just handed her ass to her. Dont go on TV if you dont want to be talked about lady, you deserve everything coming to ya!

  26. I hope the money her mom got paid was worth inviting millions of people into her private life. Then again, if she spent it on makeup... Perhaps she can go on Intervention next. :)

  27. Mollie- every time I read your comment, I laugh out loud. :) I didn't give it to her like I wanted to give it to her.

    Tanya- I'm sure her spell check was working just fine. Maybe she didn't know what the red line meant.

    OT- Some people just have to learn the hard way.

    Katsidhe- One can only hope that she learns that lesson sooner rather than later.

    Nicole- You have no idea how badly I wanted to beat that girl like she stole something, but my conscience wouldn't let me.

    Miss Rosie- Oh no! Crying isn't allowed here. Only laughter and occasional tears of joy. ;)

    Jen- You could make a killing. She could be your only client and you could still send your kids to private school. Or buy a new car.

    Amber- She probably doesn't get that it's her mom's job to protect her and not the other way around.

    Bruce- You still have one up on me cuz you're banned from an entire country!

    Tory- While she is technically an adult, she is still a baby. My initial reaction was to give her the full on big girl ass whupping, but as I was in Chakras and Auras class when her comment hit my inbox, I had calmed down considerably by the time I was able to respond.

    Lucky- I have a feeling that poor girl has been defending her mom her whole life.

    Cakeologist- Ha! Now that's an addiction I can get behind.

    Rabbit- I can't wait! That piece you're adding is awesomness and you're not even done yet.

    Female- Thank you!

    Manager- Thanks! I'm glad everyone is happy with the direction I decided to take with this.

    Rancher- I think the mom realizes that which is why you don't see her on here ranting.

    JM- I hope so, too. I tried to go easy on her and help her understand where I was coming from, all the while making sure she doesn't try that shit again.

    Hockey Wife- Whenever you are at a loss for words, feel free to come borrow a few from me.

    Tame- I can't have people thinking they can just come over here and say any old thing to me.

    Mynx- That's one of the reasons I held back a little. You gotta love a girl who's protective of her mother.

    Becca- I know right? I was so excited, I could hardly sleep last night.

    Mamma- That's a good thing. You can't have people hating you right off the bat. You'd never get any followers that way.

    Barb- You've got to cuss people out more. You're too sweet for that, so I don't think you'll be getting hate mail any time soon.

    Empress- You get the award for the funniest comment! I'll definitely send her your way if she has anything else smart-assed to say. I'm done with her unless she wants to play nice.

    Kara- Trust me when I tell you that you're on the right track. lmao Any day now...

    Tired Mom- That's all I was trying to tell her in the first place.

    Sulli- It was probably worth it to mom, but not nearly enough for daughter.

  28. I think the only thing worse than having a seriously dysfunctional family is having the whole world (well, at least the ones who watch television) aware of it.

    Have you noticed that what's really 'selling' these days are the train wrecks?

    I think it's supposed to make us feel better about ourselves individually.

    I'm not sure it works.

  29. Ami- It works, but only temporarily. While you're watching them on TV, you can say to yourself, "At least I'm not THAT bad." Then when the show is over, you realize that you are.

  30. That was a fairly tame (although appropriate) ass-whupping, Mrs. Hyde. Hopefully the green eyelinered monster's daughter can just crawl back under her rock and have a good cry. There's nothing like being embarrassed by a parent on national television. Sounds like their 15 minutes wasn't worth it to them. Let that be a lesson to all who want to be on television at any cost.

    Oh, and I'm just going to assume neither mother nor daughter have jobs that involve working with the public or communicating in any way. Mom would scare people and daughter would be laughed at for being a semi-illiterate adult.

  31. Well I hope she would take your advice....

  32. My favorite part was this: "I don't actually sit on the computer. That would make it difficult to type."

    Very much giggling. Very much.

  33. I have to agree with Haven about that particular line - very witty.
    Well aren't you popular? Nasty comments. Gosh what's next?
    I had my first spam comment last week about how all American women were hateful and I shouldn't be married. Strange since I'm a Brit. Seems like some people need to find something more productive to do with their time rather than write comments that are not only poorly written but actually don't help their causes.

  34. One, it's called spell check, use it. You don't know how dumb you look when you spell words wrong. It makes you seem like you slept through English class.

    Two, obviously it offended you that Mrs. Hyde wrote a blog about your mother. Get over it bitch. It's not the end of the world. What would seem like the end of the world to me is if my mother went on national T.V. and embarrassed her self. I wouldn't be able to show my face, let alone defend her to some person on the INTERNET.

    Three, grow up. I know, this step is a big one. Most adults haven't hit this mile stone yet, but I know you can do it! You don't even realize how childish you're acting.

    Four, Mrs. Hyde's right. Never, ever show your hand at anything. It gives the other person the upper hand.

    I can go on with her, but I'd be wasting my time. Good God though, make-up, seriously? Wow. I wonder if Jay Leno did a piece on this one? If not then Conan must have.

    Good post Mrs. Hyde!

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Bitch with me, will you?