Thursday, December 16, 2010

Jesus, Take the Wheel

I feel the need to channel Carrie Underwood today because somewhere Susan B. Anthony is rolling over in her grave.

Have you seen this shit?

Just what every parent wants for their little princess...Video Ho Girl Barbie. What. The. Fuck. That's a statement, not a question. Video Girl Barbie comes complete with a video camera in her necklace, form-fitting night club outfit, Jersey Shore hair, bodacious ta-ta's, and a bootylicious ass you can bounce a quarter off of. That reminds me, Video Ho. Beyonce called. She wants her ass back.

When I was a little girl, Barbie was someone to be admired. Sure, she was a doll, but she taught little girls that they could grow up and become doctors or astronauts, drive race cars, work as flight attendants or say "fuck it" and fly the damn planes themselves. And all without a dime from Ken's bitch ass.

Who's bright idea was it to take Beyonce and Snooki, meld them together, dye her hair blond, give her a camcorder with which to record her naughty misdeeds, and sell her to little girls? I want names. And addresses. AND a five gallon bucket, a pair of pruning shears, two spark plugs and a Snickers bar. Don't ask.

This just proves my point that we're getting dumber. How does one "evolve" from a doctor to a video ho? I must have missed that part of the evolutionary chart. So, it goes: ape, neanderthal, cro magnon, human, whore? Is this what the rest of us have to look forward to? Because if it is, let me off at the next stop.

Maybe this was no accident. Maybe there is a little Impotent Old Man somewhere who decided to take revenge on the fairer sex by putting them in their place, so to speak. Maybe IOM is so freakin' pissed that women have gone from subservient, homemaking, child-rearing, I-can't-do-anything-without-a-man doormats to strong, maid-having, nanny-hiring, fuck-you-asshole-I-don't-need-you-for-shit powerhouses, that he thought he could reverse years of feminism with the creation of a doll employed in the world's oldest profession. Don't give me that look. Video Ho-ing is only one shot of Hennessy away from prostitution and you know it. My point is that he was trying to start over from scratch. Career woman to ho; ho to housewife. Then things would be as they were meant to be. There's a fatal flaw in his plan, however. Everyone knows you can't turn a ho into a housewife.

I would like to tie IOM's loosely hanging balls into a sailor's knot, put a red bandana on his head, and plop him naked into the middle of a Lil Wayne video being filmed in Crip territory. Then all the booty bouncing video vixens could point and laugh as they drove their pimped out rides up and down his sadistic spine.

No actual video hoes were harmed in the making of this post.

Stay away from the trunk of my car.


  1. Mrs. Hyde! have i told you lately that i love you? cuz i do!!!

    thanks for the blog reference...

    this post was sheer genius!!

    i had to read it twice, cuz there.were.tears. streaming down my face from the laughter!!!

    you are so fucking dead on!

    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    The guy book
    the guy book

  2. Bruce, it is my distinct pleasure to make tears stream down your face. Muah!

  3. You are so funny! You have really got to get your name out there Mrs.Hyde because you have got a gift! ho Barbie indeed!

  4. Thank you SO much for this! I having been looking at all the CRAP lately (holiday shit coming and all) and when this popped up on my youngest daughters list, it was met with OH HELL NO! There will be no HO barbie in this house unless she comes in a Santa outfit and says it correctly.

  5. Brillant post my dear! And if my niece asks me for that ho barbie for Christmas I will effing hit the roof. Seriously, what is up with that shit? Barbie has gone straight to hell in a handbasket -- or in the truck of your car! Big hugs!!

  6. Brilliant post from an awesome lady. Nice to get a giggle at the end of a looooong week.

  7. @Sandra- Thank you! You are too kind. It's taken me some years, but I feel like I've found my voice again. I won't be upset if you give Oprah a call on my behalf. Hint, hint.

    @Laugh- No ho-ing done by anyone but Santa! That is awesomeness. Wish I had thought to put that in the post!

    @Empress- The trunk of my car IS hell, trust me. Come to think of it, there's a basket in there, too.

    @Mynx- Yes, I saw that you had a dumb ass on your hands. Sit out in that beautiful sunshine and think about me over here shoveling snow. That might put a few things in perspective. ;)

  8. I've always hated Barbie and her anatomically impossible figure, but this brings my animosity to a new level! I'm so glad my daughter is too old to even think about wanting that shit! I'm seething...

  9. Your assessment is dead on, woman! What the..? I mean, with all of those idiot girls in the tabloids with the party girls going to rehab and everything. Why the hell would we want our young girls to strive for that??

  10. @LM- See, I'm the opposite because I always loved her, unrealistic figure or not. I could never have one growing up because my mom said, and I quote, "I'll be damned if I'm paying $7 for one doll!" Am I showing my age? Anyway, I wanted to grow up to be just like her with her big ass house, gay husband, and sports car, just you know, with dark skin, black hair, and brown eyes.

    @Krissy- You know what's next right? All of Barbie's friends will be hoochies, too and they'll be the Barbie Bad Girls' Club. i can see the collection now...Video Ho Barbie, Tramp Stamp Skipper, Ghetto Fabulous Hood Rat Kelly, and Washed Up Rock Star Stacie.

  11. Rants about Barbie. Doesn't get much better than that Mrs. Hyde. Thanks for the laugh as always!

  12. Now that was funny. Honey you nailed that one on the head for sho'...i'm still laughing as i type this. I've had to back space every other letter because this was toooooo funny!!

  13. @JM- I'm happy to oblige as always!

    @Nicole- I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for stopping by my 'naughty' blog and PLEASE come back.

  14. Mrs. Hyde,

    You go get 'em! I've hated that fucking Barbie my whole life. When I had little girls, and people would ask if they liked Barbie, I taught them to say "Barbie needs a job! Like scientist!"

    Later on, when my little girls got to be bigger girls, they started playing voodoo headless Barbie zombies on their own....with gifted Barbies of course - I never spent a dime on that shit.

    All of those Important Old Men who make decisions like this need a good hard punch in the butthole. What are you doing for New Years?


  15. @Jennifer- Voodoo headless Barbie zombies sounds like hours of fun! I have no idea what I'm doing for New Year's, but I'm open for suggestions.

  16. Personally...I might buy me one...does it come in My Size? I'm with ya on the bucket, shears, and spark plus...but the Snickers...that's just evil :-)

  17. ROFL I can't stop laughing that was great, glad i came to check you out. New follower :D

  18. @Dad- I was sitting across the table from my husband at TGIFriday's when this comment came through on my phone. Hubby was in date night mode, so he doesn't appreciate that another man was making me laugh while he was trying to lay his mack down. Still laughing!

    @Eschelle- Welcome! I'm so glad you decided to stick around.

  19. Damned husbands...I do all the work and they get all the action!!!

  20. Psst ;-)

  21. @Dad- Stop wasting your best lines on married women. ;)

    @Tame- OMW

  22. Mrs Hyde, sorry I've been MIA for so long or I would have commented sooner! This was hilarious. I saw this and wondered to myself at the time....whose poor fucked up planning was that. Thankfully my daughter is past the barbie stage but I can totally see how that doll could catch parents 'in the act' and in case seeing it live wasn't scarring enough to the young psyche of the doll's owner she can watch it over and over again.....

    Personally, I wish they would come out with a middle-aged, overweight, PMS bitchy barbie. I might buy that for myself.

  23. @Semi True- Welcome back! I've missed my blog twin. ;) If they do invent that one, it should definitely be called Bitch Called Mom Barbie!

  24. OMG is that actually Barbie? I remember when I was a kid, it was the same thing. She was a doctor, a astronaut, had a mansion, and a sports car. And now she's a club rat? Wow. Someone shoot the person that created that monster....


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