Sunday, December 5, 2010

Ten Things I Hate About You

I read a post yesterday (Hey, Barb!) where the blogger listed ten things she loves. I considered doing that. I've been extra specially bitchy lately and I could stand to impart a little gratitude. PMS is kicking my ass this month, y'all. I apologize to my male readers, but only a little. It's life. Deal.

After I read Barb's post, I tried to compile a list of things that I love. She had about three things on her list that I could have stolen, but I figured since I already hijacked her idea, I'd save any additional thievery for another day. I would like to post my list here for your enjoyment but...it doesn't exist. I gave up after about two minutes and decided to ride this extreme PMS to the end. Below you will find the list of:

Ten Things I Fucking Hate Only I Shortened It To Five Things Because My Attention Span Isn't That Long:

1. Stupid people. If you're new to this blog, you may not know of my strong dislike of the common sense-impaired. Read this and this and this to catch up. Don't worry, we'll wait. Well, I won't, but maybe my loyal readers will. Serves your ass right for getting here so late. While you're doing that, the rest of us will amuse ourselves with this hilarious video of Katt Williams.



Twenty on eleven, bitch! If I could get my hair as straight and bouncy as his, I'd have one less thing to bitch about. That would only leave 7428. Every little bit helps. One day at a time.

2. I hate when I'm trying to do something I shouldn't be doing, and a kid walks in and catches me. I quit smoking officially about five years ago. Unofficially, I still smoke the occasional cigarette or Black and Mild (the wine flavor is awesome). Mostly, I do it when some kid has catapulted me into crisis mode or when I'm out drinking with the hubs. He smokes cigars and I can't stand the smoke unless I'm smoking, too. Go figure. So the other day, I found out my sixteen year old hooked school and was "discovered" at his girlfriend's grandmother's house sleeping on the sofa in the middle of the day. Nobody was at home but those two and when they were found, the girl was on top of the boy...sleeping. Yeah, that's what I said. After comparing notes, the other mother and I concluded that they had, indeed, had sex.

I'm so not ready for this bullshit.

I ripped him a new asshole and then hightailed it to the liquor store where I purchased one Black and Mild. For those that don't know, a Black and Mild is like a small, cheap cigar that comes in various flavors for your ghetto ass enjoyment. As I was sitting in my parked car on the driveway smoking my cheap cigar and minding my own fucking business, guess who comes barreling out the front door having the nerve to look at me like he's disappointed? My late son. May his soul rest in peace 'cause there's not much left of his body.

3. I hate when I fold a load of freshly washed and dried towels and place them neatly inside the linen closet only to come back ten minutes later and discover that my once neat pile has been overturned because some kid or grown ass man needed to get his/her favorite towel from the bottom of the fucking pile. You don't understand. That shit is like nails on a chalkboard to me. No, worse. It's like leaving a teaspoon of butter pecan ice cream in an otherwise empty container. Somebody should die.

4. I hate when I want to be left alone and people don't take the hint. "Are you okay, Mrs. Hyde? Is something wrong? It sure seems like something is wrong. Are you sure nothing is wrong 'cause I'd hate to find out that something was wrong and I left it alone because you told me nothing was wrong." Let me make this clear: EVEN IF SOMETHING IS WRONG, IF I SAY THERE'S NOT, ASSUME THAT EVERYTHING IS PEACHY FUCKING KEEN.

5. I hate when people can't read my mind. If I know what's going on in my chaotic head, why the hell don't you? If you cared, you'd know what I was thinking. Okay, I'll give you one clue. When I bare my teeth like this, it means I'm considering sprinkling cat nip in your crotch and letting my cat go to town. Pop quiz: what am I thinking now? Damn shame...I thought you loved me.

This looks like a job for Jose Cuervo.

8 comments:

  1. I just love you Mrs Hyde. Totally with you on all counts.

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  2. mrs hyde...

    i am right there with you...tequila...

    i ma thinking that you were thinking that PMS SUCKS...

    or fucking stupid people suck...

    or you need a shot of jose c...

    Bruce
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    and
    bruce johnson jadip

    ReplyDelete
  3. YES! Oh I hate it too when someone leaves just one pathetic spoonful of icecream in an otherwise empty carton! You expect a PMS pig-out, only to discover just enough to get you jonesing for more and it's your last carton!!! And you KNOW they did it because they're too lazy to just put the empty in the trash because then it would be full and they'd have to change the bag and put the full one in the trash can outside! UGH!

    ReplyDelete
  4. @Mynx- I love you back, honey!
    @bruce- I was thinking all three! Get outta my head, man.
    @Lolamouse- Oh Em Fucking Gee! It's like you live in my house!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am so with you regarding stupid effing people. However, they give me an endless supply of blog topics, be they bad drivers, celebutards or general run of the mill dickweeds. And yes, it should be against the law to eat all of the ice cream except for one last spoonful and then put it back in the freezer only to disappoint the person who was having a major craving.

    If it's any consolation, here is a great big hug my bloggy friend.

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. Mrs. Hyde, I get it. All of it.

    I have super low tolerance for stupid people too. And sometimes that extends to my children. They are overall exceptionally bright and amazing, so I completely fail to understand how they can do some of the most brain damaged things.....

    I think that my favorite one is #2 though. You see, in my house there is nothing that I'm "not supposed to be doing". I only have the one bad habit of consuming copious amounts of vodka on occasion (and if you believe that bit about only one bad habit I've got prime beachfront property for sale in Oklahoma). I don't get mean or out of hand. A little loud sometimes....but I digress. In my house, nothing that I do is off limits. That's why I'm the parent and they are the children. My reaction would have been similar to yours, there wouldn't be much left of them if they even tried to act like they were disappointed esp. after they had being caught in a 'compromising position'.

    I would love it if people could read my mind. Or maybe not. I have sort of mastered the ability to smile at people while thinking to myself 'you are loathesome and disgusting'. So that whole coping mechanism would be blown. Hmmmm.....

    I love you to bits and pieces Mrs. Hyde. I'd almost bet that if we were friends in 3D (not referring to a bra size) I could almost read your mind after a time and vice versa.

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  7. @Empress- I will accept any and all hugs, beautiful lady! Thank you! You're right, we should at least be thankful to stupid people for providing us with endless topics about which to bitch.

    @Semi True- When my son was about 10, they learned about the dangers of smoking in school. He came home upset and asked me to please stop smoking because he didn't want me to die. He learned the artful skill of guilt-tripping from yours truly. So I stopped...mostly.
    I believe we would make excellent friends in 3D. In fact, if you look on my awards page, you'll see that I have referred to you as my 'blog twin'.

    ReplyDelete
  8. hilarious. loved Katt Williams' commentary on all the weird kinds of weed cirulating around: "thriller, killer, or salmonella."

    Also, I can't stand it when people are bothering me like in #4. If I ever go homicidal, that will be the reason, mark my words.

    P.S. I know going homicidal isn't something to joke about, so that's why people should learn not to keep asking someone if something is wrong: because they're going to make something be wrong.

    ReplyDelete

Bitch with me, will you?