Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Sick Bed Sex Ed

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS A PICTURE OF PEOPLE IN THEIR BIRTHDAY SUITS. THEY'RE NAKED. IF YOUR DELICATE SENSIBILITIES WILL BE OFFENDED COME BACK TOMORROW WHEN THIS POST WILL STILL BE HERE, BUT MAYBE YOU WON'T BE SO UPTIGHT.

I'm sick. And not in my usual "what the hell is wrong with that woman?" way. I'm sick in the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so get the fuck outta my face way. I hate being sick for lots of reasons, but the biggest one is because I have to sit still. I suck at sitting still which means I don't get much rest which means I stay sick for longer than I should have. Does the flu know that it's three days before Christmas? Does the flu know that it ruined the Winter Solstice party my youngest kids and I planned? My nine-year-old cut paper up into confetti-sized pieces to serve as "snow" and we couldn't even use them. You mean to tell me that I don't get to vacuum up a trillion tiny pieces of paper? Darn.

I dragged myself to the computer today so as to interact with the outside world and I came across this video. Now before you even think about it, you must watch the video. It's imperative to your understanding of the rest of this post. And it's hot. Pay close attention to the condom wrapper that will appear in the lower right quadrant of the screen. Don't blink because it's only there for a second.




Hot, right? Wtf? What happened to the other font I was using?

Hopefully, your eye is keen enough to have noticed the Magnum condom package. Magnum, for all you rock-dwellers, is a line of condoms designed by Trojan for the comfort of well-endowed men. I feel I should say that again for those who may not have understood. MAGNUM is designed for the comfort of WELL-ENDOWED men. The problem is, most men think they're well-endowed. The truth is that a large number of Magnum users are not. Would you like to know how you can tell if you should save your extra 35 cents per condom and go with the standard size? No? I'm going to tell you anyway, Nubby, because it's bad enough that you suck at oral sex, but now you're flopping around in a condom that's two sizes too big and the shit is starting to piss me off. I'm sorry. I'll try to keep the flashbacks to a minimum.

If the condom slides off every time you extract your pocket rocket from a honey pot, you might have a little dick. I'm just kidding. It might not be small, but it is too small for those Magnums.

Have you ever blown up a condom like a balloon?


As you can see, standard condoms can hold a lot of...what's the word I'm looking for...weight. If your pecker is bigger than the above picture, forget the Magnums and go straight to hot air balloons. And please upload a porn so that the rest of us can see this mythical beast.

Don't get upset and click the next blog button, Wee Willy Winkie, all hope is not lost.

There are two ways in which one could consider his trouser snake to be "big": length and width (girth, if you will). Most women prefer a nice healthy girth. Change the word 'healthy' to 'hefty' for me. Length can be a good thing, too, but if you're blessed with a lengthy tube steak, please consider the following. The average unaroused vagina is 3 to 4 inches long. When a woman is properly aroused, her vagina elongates to accommodate the pork sword. So that takes it to, say, 5 to 7 inches. If your mutton dagger is longer than the depth of her vagina and you get a little overzealous in your love making, you will be slamming repeatedly into her cervix. That shit hurts. Stop it. All you girthy men pay close attention. The key words to either facet of well-endowment are properly aroused. You know how it's so much easier and pleasant to remove a ring that's stuck on your finger if you lubricate it before attempting to yank it off? Yeah, like that.

Please don't confuse the two. If a woman tells you that you are big, ask that bitch to be specific. Am I wide or am I long? It's big, but is it strong? Can I make you scream on a train? In Spain? While dancing in the rain? Men, it's important that you know which one she means, so that you can give her pleasure accordingly, with little to no discomfort (see cervix slamming above).

And lastly, for all you gentlemen who are neither average nor big, don't fret.


Not everyone is laughing at you. No, really. All you need to do is get really fucking good at cunnilingus and pack some big, powerful toys in your overnight bag.

And please, for the love of multiple orgasms, walk past the Magnums in the drug store.

I'd like to thank The Empress at The Ranter's Box for teaching me all the nice new references to male genitalia. I had fun with them. There are plenty of words for vagina on her blog, too, but since we've only recently gotten "permission" to say vagina out loud, I thought I'd stick to vagina instead of beating around the, um, bush. I swear, I didn't plan that.

18 comments:

  1. Great... My Fair Lady will never be the same again...

    And no, I am not referring to my twat.

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  2. Thank goodness you explained this...it's sure a relief to know that I'm not hurting anyone ;-) It sucks that you feel bad...want a full body massage...purely platonic and medicinal of course? Hope ya feel better soon.

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  3. @Rabbit- I also ruin fairy tales and nursery rhymes.

    @Dad- What? Is there a non-platonic, purely for pleasure massage that I don't know about?

    Just talking to my blog friends makes me feel better already.

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  4. sorry you're feeling unwell. if it makes you feel any better (misery loves company-actually when I'm in misery, I HATE company, but I digress)I'm getting sick too. As for the Magnums, the DC schools give that brand out to kids because they're considered the "cool" condom. It's part of their pregnancy prevention program. I guess they grow em big in DC!

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  5. OMG ....I so enjoyed this blog. Wow you put it straight and the description of size was priceless. Im listening...keep talking...this is interesting and WOW to say the least.

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  6. Yes my dear there is...but it's reserved for hotties like you that DON'T have hubbies that carry guns :-) Don't get sick anymore...I missed you! Did you get a chance to read The Night Before Christmas?

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  7. @LM- Nobody under 21 should be allowed to pack that much heat!

    @Anon a.k.a. Sharon- Welcome to my blog, boo! Please keep coming back.

    @Bruce- Thank you, honey! I'll be here all week.

    @Tame- I know right? I've gotta find that nude beach...

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  8. @Dad- I just read it and it's freakin' awesome! Muah! Muah! Muah!

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  9. Sorry to learn you have been sick but so glad you are back. Great post! You know how I love those big ding dongs. The beach photo is hilarious. Thanks so much for the mention and for the blog link.

    Wishing you and yours holidays that are merry and bright! HUGS!!

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com

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  10. @Empress- Thank you. I'm feeling much better although I can't taste a damned thing. Happy holidays to you and yours as well!

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  11. So flucking hilarious. Only one of the things that I love about you is that you always tell it straight. Has me analyzing Darling Husband's endowments. Not because we need to fit him for condoms anymore though. Just because I can't help it. I may have to go find some dick pix on the web so that I can make a scientific observation of other mutton sword (I think that was my favorite). Shall I report back on my findings? LOL

    BTW, sorry you are sicky. I can't seem to shake this crap-nasty cold/cough that I have so believe me I'm feeling your discomfort.

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  12. Bahhahahhah. Oh Lord.

    I definitely know about those Magnums. Yes!

    But that last picture of the nude beach made me crack up. That's juss wrong!

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  13. Hi Annah! Thanks for stopping by my humble abode. I laughed my ass off when someone emailed me that beach photo. Kinda makes you feel sorry for the poor man.

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  14. I'm w/you, Mrs. Hyde. Beach photo made me feel terrible about poor little golf pencil dick. He better be at home practicing the art of cunnilingus as we speak if he ever wants to overcome his penis envy enough to find a woman to have sex with him. Or one who will at least let him practice oral on her, whatever he can get.

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  15. You have just made my year...... will definately be following if there is a promise of more ding dong's as per the Empress' comment. Again thank you and Happy New Year to you too.

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  16. @Suzy- Welcome! It's always a good sign when you start off the year with a big schlong! And yes, there will be plenty more because my readers have come to expect it. Happy New Year, my new friend!

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Bitch with me, will you?