Ain't it grand? If I'm to be completely honest, and of course I have to be now, this is the fourth award I've received from the awesome people who dare to read my chaotic ramblings. Sometimes those awards come with conditions and I almost always flake out on those obligations. What can I say? I'm a fucking rebel. This doesn't mean I'm ungrateful; far from it. It amazes me that there exists in this world people who want to hear what I have to say. I am deeply humbled by your loyal readership (all of you) and I will do my best to stay as bitchy and vocal as I possibly can. Hug, hug, kiss, kiss. You know the drill.
In the interest of honesty and going totally balls-to-the-wall, I will honor the conditions of this award. I have to list ten honest things about myself. This is going to be hard 'cause I don't want to just list any old thing. People have to read this crap, so I at least want it to be interesting.
Hmmm. Ten whole things? How about five? Okay, okay.
1. I hardly ever answer my cell phone or return phone calls. I'm sorry, but I have way too much shit to do to be on the phone all day. Send me a text or an email. I will return a text. I might return an email.
2. I don't watch the news. Being inundated with up-to-the-minute negativity isn't exactly my idea of a good time.
3. Here are some of the jobs I've had: barmaid, daycare provider, phone sex operator, substitute teacher. My work history is but a small indication of the good vs. evil battle I fight on a daily basis.
4. I have a 26-year-old sister whom I've never met. Papa was a rolling stone. He rolled his ass to Virginia for awhile, met a woman, fathered a child, died and didn't leave any information on how to find her. Oprah won't help me and apparently, baby sis hasn't heard of social networking. So, if anyone knows a Jessica Brown in or around the Richmond area, give a holler. How many Jessica Browns can there be in Richmond?
5. I can spot a big dick from a mile away. Oh, now you're awake. I didn't just do that for shock value, it's actually true. I have a penchant for sniffing out the heavily schlonged. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
6. I've been trying to complete this post for two hours, so I'm going to stop now and come back in ten years when I think of more things.
7. My mother has been a drug addict for over 30 years. If you can't say anything else about her, you can say that she is consistent. When she decides to do something, she sticks to that shit like glue. She sold me to a man when I was eight years old. That's all I have to say about that (imagine I'm Forrest Gump).
8. My favorite color is purple. Yeah, I know that's lame, but #7 is a tough act to follow. Okay, I'll give you a real one. I hate crying. If you make me cry, be sure to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life.
9. I have a girl crush on Portia de Rossi. I like that she's a little bit insane just like me. With my muffin top, four kids, and empty bank account, I'm sure I could give Ellen and her millions a run for their money.
10. I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy. Give me a break, I tried, didn't I?
It's not a requirement to pimp out blogs, but I'm going to do it anyway. These blogs don't get as much recognition as they should, so please visit and follow them if you like what you see.
Rants from the Hormonally Challenged Love her and I'm sure you will, too!
The Well-Fed Spirit This bitch is AWEsome!
Simple Dude in a Complex World He doesn't follow this blog, but don't hold that against him.
Jumble Mash Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.
All right, so, that's it. I know I cheated a little bit, but when you're a control freak like me, you have a hard time being vulnerable. Some of my fellow award recipients were worried about losing followers if they posted true, honest-to-goodness things about themselves. I'm not. If you don't love me for the bitch I am, then fuck you and I'm happy to be rid of you.
But if I come back on here in the morning and all of you are gone, oh, I will stalk you.
Love you and love your new story background. Love purple too, another thing we have in common. And I am just like you with the New and answering my mobile phone. OMG could I be your sister, well no, but I really hope you find her sometime. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, honey! I love thunderstorms, so I thought a background with a big lightening bolt descending from the sky was fitting. I'll keep trying to find my sister until I can't try anymore. The thing is, we visit Virginia every year for vacation, so I find myself searching faces just in case I 'happen' to run into her.
ReplyDeleteLove you to pieces, Mynx! I would be happy to call you my sister.
Mrs. Hyde,
ReplyDeleteMega thanks for the shout-out! I'll send you a check for 1/2 the money that comes rolling in from my blog now!
I've always wondered what it would be like to be a phone sex operator. Do you have to "dress the part" to help get in the right frame of mind or can you take calls in your sweats and slippers?
The new background is cool. Like you're an electrically charged super bitch from the heavens!
Good to know because the only reason I do this is for the money! lmao
ReplyDeleteNo, you don't have to dress the part. You just have to make the customers believe you're dressed the part. However, I didn't actually do the sex fantasies, I was literally an operator. I answered the phones and transferred the calls to the 'actresses'. On a side note, when I used to work for HSN, guys would call and try to get off from me reading product descriptions! If that's not desperate and broke, I don't know what is.
Electrically charged super bitch from the heavens is EXACTLY what I was going for.
Thank you thank you thank!!! You made my day!! And this award TOTALLY fits you. I seriously crack up at your posts because you say what everyone else is thinking! Thanks again!!!
ReplyDeleteCongrats to the award recipients!
ReplyDeleteLove your new background. Great vibe there and very befitting for a 'electrically charged super bitch from the heavens'!
Props for being able to GPS track ginormous cocks! There is nothing like a big ding dong ; )
Hope you find your sister. In the meantime, consider me your blogosphere sister from a different mister. xo
I love your honest things. Especially #5. Yep, no one is owning up to loving it like I do, but that's an awesome talent!!! I would definitely liked to have had you as my wing woman all those times bar hopping in my 20s. You could have possibly saved me from some major disappointments.
ReplyDeleteI am totally on board with the awesome, amazing super-bitch goddess from the heavens background.
I never watch the news, or answer my phone either. I don't text but do answer my emails with stunning regularity.
I'll wrap up with telling you that I love your blog because you are more honest and real than most people I know and you have the balls to say what the rest of us only think.
Congratulations on the award.
ReplyDelete@Jumble Mash- You're very welcome. I think you and I have similar senses of humor (read 'weird'). You crack me up, too!
ReplyDelete@The Empress- I would LOVE to have you as my sister from another mister! Don't make me cry. I have a reputation to uphold.
@Semi True- I make an excellent wing woman. It's why my single girlfriends try to get me out to a club all the time. They want me to weed out the little cocks! I give in sometimes, but not too much because I don't want to get myself in trouble.
I also wanted to let you know that I love your blog as well. If you would consider guest blogging for my other blog sometime, that would be great. I love how you express gratitude. Check it out and let me know, please.
@Drake Sigar- Thanks so much! Please don't let this be your only visit.
Mrs. Hyde, I would be honored to guest blog on your other page or any page that you have. I see an email button for you in your profile. I'll send you a note and we can put our heads together.
ReplyDeleteWander over to my place sometime, there is something I want you to have. :)
ReplyDeletethat's a pretty impressive cock radar you have there. perhaps you should charge women without the radar to have you tag along for an hour on the prowl with them. they could rent you and you could save them the time and horror of unzipping a tiny cock.
ReplyDeletei know i'd pay for it. i can't think of a better way to spend money, actually. and although the two really don't go together, i also have a vag crush on portia. i just read her interview in People magazine and love her even more.
Holly, you know I never even thought to charge for my services. But seeing how I am unemployed at the moment, that's not a bad idea at all.
ReplyDeleteAfter the holidays are over, I'm totally up for a road trip to California (or wherever the hell Ellen's show is recorded).