Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Dear Ass Clown

Let me start by saying that I have made a sincere effort to let this go. I wanted to chalk it up as one person's opinion, but I can't. Yesterday, I read a post that chapped my ass so badly that all the cocoa butter in the world won't help. The woman dedicated an entire blog post to a letter she wrote to "sorry ass mothers". In said letter, she unleashed a tsunami of scathing remarks toward mothers who: 1. don't strap their children in seat belts, 2. smoke inside the car with their children on board, and 3. scream at their children.

It's never okay to put the safety of children at risk, you may say. I agree. Secondhand smoke is very bad for a child's lungs, or anyone's lungs for that matter, you may respond. Again, I agree. Why would this upset you, Mrs. Hyde?

I'm so fucking glad you asked!

There are several reasons why that post bothered me. I'll give each its own bullet point and subsequent explanation.

*Don't presume to tell a mother how to be a mother.
I get that it pissed her off to see a small child not strapped in his/her car seat. And I understand her concern for the child inhaling the toxic fumes. But did anybody notice that this self-righteous woman didn't bother to voice her opinions to the mothers themselves? No? You know why? Because she would have gotten her ass handed to her in a used McDonald's bag. Everyday you see people doing stupid shit. There are dumbasses everywhere, but that doesn't give you the right to tell them that they are dumbasses, at least not without accepting the fallout that will surely come. That's why we don't do it. We might give them a dirty look, shake our heads in disgust, but if you're not going to call them on their bullshit, shut your fat ass pie hole. Maybe the child was strapped in, but as small children tend to be curious and mischievous, maybe the child unstrapped himself. With the cigarette-smoking mom, as far as I'm concerned if you've never had a nicotine addiction, you have no opinion. I'm going to let you in on a little secret: moms are human. Which brings me to my next point.

*Why in the name of sweet June Cleaver is the whole world so hard on mothers?
A mother can't step the tiniest bit outside the line without having the wrath of God brought down on her. It's like we're not human, and therefore not allowed to make mistakes. Don't yell at your kids, don't let them watch TV, don't feed them sugary cereals? WHAT? If you think I won't plop a bowl of cereal in front of a kid when I'm too tired to cook or tell them to go watch Spongebob so I can take a goddamn bath, you are sadly mistaken, asshole. While I do know that opinions are, in fact, like assholes, it leaves me wondering why all the bitter disdain for 'bad' mothers, but none for 'bad' fathers? Is it okay for deadbeats to abandon their children and not pay child support? Is it all honky fucking doory for a man to neglect his fatherly duties. If this woman had seen the child unstrapped in the car with his father, she would have shaken her head and said, "Hmmph, men!" and left it the hell alone. She wouldn't have thought twice about his smoking while driving his babies around because at least his ass is present, right? If a man screams at his kids, they call it tough love. And that shit brings me to my final point.

*Yelling at your kids is absolutely necessary.
Okay, not all the time, but sometimes, yes. It's very necessary. There are all different kinds of scenarios I could cite as excellent times for yelling, but I'd be here all fucking day and my kitchen floor isn't going to mop itself. I'll just say this: yelling at your children is the litmus test to make sure you are paying attention. If you're yelling at them, that means you caught their little sneaky asses doing something they had no business doing. You know why my kids aren't making pipe bombs in the basement? Because if it gets quiet for more than five minutes in this house, I know somebody is doing some shit they shouldn't. So, after five minutes free of bickering and mom I need money for xyz, my mommy senses start tingling and I go on a bullshit hunt. No, mom, I'm mixing these chemicals for my science project. Bullshit! No, mom, this isn't a hit list. These are all the people I'm inviting to my birthday party. Bullshit! No, mom, I'm not forwarding naked pictures of my former best friend to the entire sophomore class. Bullshit! I'm not saying my kids don't ever get one over on me, but if they do, it's not for long. I have a special brand of bitchy, guilt-inducing, disappointed, I-will-kick-your-assness that my kids try to avoid, if at all possible.

And no self-righteous, judgmental, childless, mean-girl-turned-fuckwad is going to take that away from me.


  1. Oh my God! I am so there. I think I've nearly done everything there is to do in my youth. I don't think my kids will have a chance. Mine are still all pretty young (10,8,and 6) so we haven't run into too many things...yet. However, I STILL find that I yell at them all the time. Sometimes I'm just too tired to yell and tell them so. For some reason that really lights a fire under their little asses. I tend to think that the quiet mom who doesn't have the energy for more yelling scares them.

    In addition to your reason why yelling is sometimes essential, I have some of the most well-behaved children when they are with others. I'm not just bragging, people tell us that ALL...the...fucking...time. I have to think its because of all the yelling and correction about how they are to behave that has taken place in their early years. Have I ever really raised a hand to them other than to swat a bottom? Nope. Do I yell all the time? Absolutely not. But they do know that mom and dad are paying attention and they don't get by with much or for very long.

    Bravo to you. I love your opinions and your blog!

  2. Oh, you know, Moms shouldn't curse either. It sets a bad example for their children, Mrs. Hyde (do you hear me laughing my ass off?!!)

  3. Agreed. Along the lines of fathers not catching shit for doing things the way mothers do, how about the fact that fathers get put on a pedestal for things like feeding their kids dinner or playing with them instead of going out with friends? That's what you're supposed to do, asshole. You're a dad and you made a decision that resulted in a baby. Don't go looking for pats on the back because you actually take care of the kid.

  4. @STT- Yes! People tell me the same thing about mine (except for the 17 year old with the smart mouth). The reason they behave well with others is because they know if they don't, there will be hell...to...pay when they get home. Thanks!

    @Lolamouse- I can hear you laughing all the way from your computer screen to mine! And you know, I have tried dialing down the cursing, but speaking without my naughty emphasizers is not nearly as fun. A girl's gotta get her jollies somehow!

    @irishgrudge- That is a pet peeve of mine. Why the hell do I need to thank my husband for cooking dinner for the children? Um...hello? They're your children, too! In his defense, he does make them thank me for cooking, though.

  5. When this mother raises her voice all males in this particular house know they have pushed to line one time too many. I dont yell a lot, mainly because i dont have to. Hubby yells more than me so I tend to be "good cop". So if I start yelling, watch out. Only thing more powerful is tears with a side serve of guilt lol.

  6. I am childless but have brothers 17 and 21 years older than me. Sometimes I think they are pure evil if I'm not right up their asses about it. My new move is to grab one by the scruff of the neck and calmly walk him into whatever public place we are going on his tiptoes while I go over the list of reasons why we are going to behave so Sissy doesn't have to go postal with witnesses.

    Just yesterday my adopted 5 year old niece was whining for mommy to come in after a 17 hour shift waitressing at a bar. Mommy was tired and trying to smoke out of sight in the garage. Girl was whining that 1 year old sister was throwing a tantrum and daddy's dead-beat ass was not handling it. So Auntie yelled like hell was going to come eat them if they didn't all behave for 5 minutes. I realized it and apologized immediately for yelling at kids that aren't mine and her response was "knoc yourself out, you were nicer than I would have been." These are the same kids who behave like perfect angels in public, better than most adults, because if they don't, mom or aunt is going to bring the hell fire.

  7. Ha! Typo, meant to say 17 and 21 years "Younger" than me!!!

  8. @Mynx- after reading how nice you are, I feel bad for my poor kids. We don't have good cop, bad cop; we have bad cop and 'please god, make it stop' cop. Guess which one I am?

    @Rose Leigh- My kinda auntie. You can come babysit for me ANY day!

  9. Oh I am not always nice. I just have them all fooled. They are both bigger than me and I knew they would be so I started conning them young. One day they will wake up to the fact lol

  10. Yikes, this is a tough one. I've shared a few rants about shitty neglectful egg/sperm donors who have no business spawning children. They however are different from people who are actually parenting their children. Kids need boundaries as much as they need love. And sometimes it is necessary to 'yell' those boundaries into their effing little noggins.


  11. Psst....Mrs. Hyde. Come on over and see me sometime. There's something over there for you.

  12. Woo Hoo. I'm childless so I'm not going to dish my opinion. I just wanted to say...YOU GO GIRL! ;)

  13. it's true, people are way too hard on moms. i don't even have kids, and i can see that. hell, people were giving my best friend a hard time for having postpartum depression, as if being hormonal and confused would make her a bad mother, and she's one of the most level-headed people i know.

  14. @The Empress- ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY!

    @Semi True- On my way!

    @Jumble Mash- I have fond memories of childlessness...I'm pissed that I let my husband talk me into giving up that wonderful lifestyle.

    @Vencora- You don't have any kids either? Man, how is everybody doing that? I've had postpartum depression before and I tried to kill myself. That's how serious it is. So tell your best friend that Mrs. Hyde said to tell those insensitive jerks to fuck off!

  15. Stop this madness, TV is not a bad thing. Why not let your children decide what’s best for them. Why are you so fearful? People are not bad. Moms are not bad. Education is not bad.

  16. tv- While I'd like to believe that the meaning of your comment has been lost in translation, I've come to the conclusion that you're a raging asshole. Fuck off. And take your future serial killer children with you.


Bitch with me, will you?