Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Best of ABCM: Day 4

A quick update to the story about the liquor store opening up next door to the church: the liquor store won. And I spend as much money as I possibly can there. Just for shits and giggles. I don't even need all this alcohol...but you and I both know it will be consumed.

For my next act, I will perform great feats of entertainment and education...sexual education, that is. This post, from December 2010, is the most popular post I've had to date. I wonder why?

The sex? The numerous penis references? The laughter at the expense of the not-so-heavily-schlonged? (I invented that term, btw. Go check it out at UrbanDictionary.com.)

Who knows? It's anybody's guess really. I'll let you decide, loyal reader. If by some coincidence your Nana is visiting you today, do her a favor and steer her away from the steamy video added here for your horn dog viewing pleasure.

But if she's anything like my Nana, she may have already seen it.

Sick Bed Sex Ed


I'm sick. And not in my usual "what the hell is wrong with that woman?" way. I'm sick in the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so get the fuck outta my face way. I hate being sick for lots of reasons, but the biggest one is because I have to sit still. I suck at sitting still which means I don't get much rest which means I stay sick for longer than I should have. Does the flu know that it's three days before Christmas? Does the flu know that it ruined the Winter Solstice party my youngest kids and I planned? My nine-year-old cut paper up into confetti-sized pieces to serve as "snow" and we couldn't even use them. You mean to tell me that I don't get to vacuum up a trillion tiny pieces of paper? Darn.

I dragged myself to the computer today so as to interact with the outside world and I came across this video. Now before you even think about it, you must watch the video. It's imperative to your understanding of the rest of this post. And it's hot. Pay close attention to the condom wrapper that will appear in the lower right quadrant of the screen. Don't blink because it's only there for a second.

Hot, right? Wtf? What happened to the other font I was using?

Hopefully, your eye is keen enough to have noticed the Magnum condom package. Magnum, for all you rock-dwellers, is a line of condoms designed by Trojan for the comfort of well-endowed men. I feel I should say that again for those who may not have understood. 

MAGNUM is designed for the comfort of WELL-ENDOWED men. 

The problem is, most men think they're well-endowed. The truth is that a large number of Magnum users are not. Would you like to know how you can tell if you should save your extra 35 cents per condom and go with the standard size? No? I'm going to tell you anyway, Nubby, because it's bad enough that you suck at oral sex, but now you're flopping around in a condom that's two sizes too big and the shit is starting to piss me off! 

I'm sorry. I'll try to keep the flashbacks to a minimum.

If the condom slides off every time you extract your pocket rocket from a honey pot, you might have a little dick (imagine I just said that in my Jeff Foxworthy voice). I'm just kidding. Sort of. It might not be small, but it is too small for those Magnums.

Have you ever blown up a condom like a balloon?

As you can see, standard condoms can hold a lot of...what's the word I'm looking for...weight. If your pecker is bigger than the above picture, forget the Magnums and go straight to hot air balloons. And please upload a porn so that the rest of us can see this mythical beast.

Don't get upset and click the 'next blog' button, Wee Willy Winkie, all hope is not lost.

There are two ways in which one could consider his trouser snake to be "big": length and width (girth, if you will). Most women prefer a nice healthy girth. Change the word 'healthy' to 'hefty' for me. Length can be a good thing, too, but if you're blessed with a lengthy tube steak, please consider the following. The average unaroused vagina is 3 to 4 inches long. When a woman is properly aroused, her vagina elongates to accommodate the pork sword. So that takes it to, say, 5 to 7 inches. If your mutton dagger is longer than the depth of her vagina and you get a little overzealous in your love making, you will be slamming repeatedly into her cervix. 

That shit hurts. Stop it. 

All you girthy men pay close attention. The key words to either facet of well-endowment are properly aroused. You know how it's so much easier and pleasant to remove a ring that's stuck on your finger if you lubricate it before attempting to yank it off? Yeah, like that.

Please don't confuse the two. If a woman tells you that you are big, ask that bitch to be specific. Am I wide or am I long? It's big, but is it strong? Can I make you scream on a train? In Spain? While dancing in the rain? Men, it's important that you know which one she means, so that you can give her pleasure accordingly, with little to no discomfort (see cervix slamming above).

And lastly, for all you gentlemen who are neither average nor big, don't fret.

Not everyone is laughing at you. No, really. All you need to do is get really fucking good at cunnilingus and pack some big, powerful toys in your overnight bag.

And please, for the love of multiple orgasms, walk past the Magnums in the drug store.

I'd like to thank The Empress at The Ranter's Box for teaching me all the nice new references to male genitalia. I had fun with them. There are plenty of words for vagina on her blog, too, but since we've only recently gotten "permission" to say vagina out loud, I thought I'd stick to vagina instead of beating around the, um, bush. 

I swear, I didn't plan that.


Lolamouse said...

...As for the Magnums, the DC schools give that brand out to kids because they're considered the "cool" condom. It's part of their pregnancy prevention program. I guess they grow em big in DC!

Indeed, Lolamouse. Indeed. Nobody under 21 should be allowed to pack that much heat.

Rabbit said...

Great... My Fair Lady will never be the same again...

I'm also quite skilled at ruining fairy tales and nursery rhymes, Rabbit.

Stay tuned, my friends! Only three more flashbacks left.


  1. The caption under the naked photo should read "Magnum ...and not magnum". White boy is definitely sporting a bologna pony the size of a gerkin pickle.

    PS: Glad to know I am corrupting the world one blog reader at a time! xo

    The Ranter’s Box

  2. So I think you just corrupted me beyond repair.

    Congratulations. :D

  3. another of my favourites. And not just for all the nudie bits lol

  4. I stumbled here by accident and am f'n glad I did. I now subscribe. Best friggin' blog ever...

  5. Sweet jeezus this is funny.

    I hope that dude is dating a pony, cuz that is the only way he's gonna get some pussy.

    Who can handle all that?


Bitch with me, will you?