Monday, June 27, 2011

The Best of ABCM: Day 3

I apologize for the break in the action. As I am constantly trying to be a better person, I went on a spiritual retreat this past weekend. Spiritual, not religious. Many of you know that I have "issues" with organized religion in general, so I can assure you that no one was waving a Bible in my face, proving to me that I am a wretched, wretched person. I have no problem with God; His "children" are who I generally have problems with.

Now I'm back and feeling all enlightened and what not, so I thought I'd share a post that sought to bring enlightenment to one reader who was finding it difficult to mind her own damn business. Enjoy!

Dear Mrs. Hyde, the ABCM Version (from January 2010)

So...this woman emailed me at because she needed a fresh take on a situation at work. Apparently, she was gossiping about a co-worker, only to find out that her assumptions were untrue. She asked for my opinion as to what her next move should be, and as I specified previously, she chose from which of my personalities she wanted to get an answer. She chose both. I just want it to go on record that she chose to do this. Okay? I will not be held responsible for any trauma caused by my response. Let's all keep that in mind as we're wondering what the fuck she's on and how we can get a prescription that strong.

Here, I'll let her tell the story.

Okay, here's the deal. At my job, there was a rumor going around that one of the married women in my department (Mrs. K) was slipping down to the mail room and having noontime quickies with a guy down there. Now, I don't really like Mrs. K--she's the kind of person who is always talking about her new this or that. I can barely afford to put gas in the car. So, like everybody else I started whispering when she disappeared at lunch time.

Last week, I just happened to be in the mail room when she came down with her lunch. I hovered around to see which guy she would disappear with... Well, they didn't disappear. Her and the dude who wears eyeliner (Mr. E) were watching Ellen on a portable tv. 

So, now I feel like an ass, and I'm not sure what to do. Mrs. K notices that people are acting funny around her, but I don't think she knows why. I don't want to point out the obvious (Mr. E doesn't seem to be interested in women) because that's an HR violation. 

What should I do? can I put this delicately? Oh, I know. Mind your fucking business. You said that you feel like an ass? Congratulations, you are. I mean, why in the name of Idris Elba's edible chocolate abs are you so concerned with what Mrs. K is doing on her lunch break? Get a life, boo. Because if you had a life, you'd be too busy to concern yourself with the potential sex lives of co-workers, married or otherwise.

I understand the mind of the hating ass bitch. (In case this is unclear, the hating ass bitch is you) You see a woman who has more material possessions than you. She drives a nice car, wears expensive clothes, owns a nice home, and has a gorgeous dick slinger to boot. She has worked hard for those things and is proud of her accomplishments, so she flaunts them. But that's not what you see. You, with your bad credit, hooptie, broken down slum apartment, and four baby's daddies see not the hard-working woman who has her shit together, but instead a stuck-up, bourgeoisie bitch who throws her wealth in the face of others. You know what? Maybe she is, but that's not the reason you hate her. You hate her because your shit is not together.

Your time can be much better spent if you focused more on achieving your goals and less on being a bitch about hers. You can spread rumors about her. You can put sugar in the gas tank of her BMW Z4 Roadster 2.5i (don't get caught because that's reasonable cause for a beat down). You could give her man the best blow job of his life in the parking lot while he waits for her to clock out from her high-paying job, but that won't change your situation. I get it. Misery loves company. What misery should start loving is effective fucking solutions.

What 's the difference between a happy bitch and a miserable bitch on one hand, and two miserable bitches on the other? Well, that's obvious, but the constant in both situations is that the original miserable bitch is still miserable. Think about it: do you really want her to be unhappy or is what you really want is for you to be happy, too?

Whether or not Mr. E is gay, because that's your implication, is none of your concern. There you go minding someone's business again. You should have no HR issues if you remember this: gay man or adulterous woman...there's no difference when you're slandering people.

To help your jealous ass save face, I submit the following. Go to your co-workers, you know, the ones with whom you've actively engaged in Mrs. K-bashing, and say, nonchalantly, "Girl(s), we were tripping. That bitch is down there watching Ellen with Mr. E, harming no one. I think I'll take this as a sign and mind my own dumb ass business from now on." Then eat your ramen noodles and shut the fuck up.

From now on, concentrate more on 'doing you' than 'fucking her' (over). Jealousy is not attractive. It's an ugly, poor, insecure, low self-esteem having punta.

You didn't know I spoke Spanish, did you?


I don't watch George Lopez for nothing.

And now for my favorite comments:

Chief aka Dad said...
Now ya know I'm not one to complain...but ya might have expanded on "You could give her man the best blow job of his life in the parking lot while he waits for her to clock out from her high-paying job" to include "and anyone else in the parking lot"...and provided a map to the parking lot...just a suggestion :-)

Does anyone know where Dad is? Haven't seen him in awhile. I guess I could just go ask Jumble Mash, but I don't really feel like it, so...

AND this was my first introduction to The Reckmonster

The Reckmonster said...
I just stumbled on your blog and I have one thing to say: You are a bitch-ass fucking genius!!!! I'm pullin' up a chair, parkin' my fat ass right here on your blog and waiting to be entertained some more! LOVE IT HERE!

Anybody who thinks I'm a bitch ass fucking genius is all right with me.


  1. I can’t stand people who can’t mind their own fucking business. Don’t even get me started on this subject!

  2. Best advice I ever heard... sometimes the truth is needed!

  3. Another wonderful repost Mrs Hyde. I am truly enjoying this wander back.

  4. This is great advice. (:

    And I agree with the God thing. I have issues with his followers (e.g. my parents) but I, in all honesty, don't have much of a problem against him.

  5. I'm pretty sure I need to find a way to get the advice portion here pasted up on the info board at work. These people exhaust themselves on everyone else's bizazz.

    Dying to know what the sweet, positive, frilly answer from your other side was.

    Lovin' the best of.

    Hope your spiritual retreat was as nice as it sounds. Where can I get me one of those?

  6. This post is a wonderful reminder that people really should just mind their own effing business. I'm glad you told her like you did. I wonder how things turned out for Ms. Nosey?

    The Ranter’s Box

  7. Mrs. Pickle- Me either. Can you tell?

    Arlequin- You're absolutely right, or course. It's not always best to sugar coat the truth.

    Mynx- I'm glad you're enjoying it, Mynx.

    Lemons- Yes, I love God. We have an excellent relationship. Some of his followers, though, can suck it.

    Annabelle- here's the link to the zen bitch's version

    OT- Thanks!

    Empress- I don't know...she mysteriously never contacted me again. No 'thank you' or anything. That's what I get for being nice.


Bitch with me, will you?