Monday, June 20, 2011

The Vagina Monologue

I know I'm supposed to be posting The Best of ABCM, but I have a funny, yet painful story to tell you. After you laugh your asses off at my expense today, you'll be happy I waited. To my male readers, I apologize in advance for the numerous vagina references that will ensue. Here's a link to something you'd rather occupy your time with. Don't click it if you're at work. Or school. Or church. Or your kids are within fifty feet of your computer. You've been warned.

I hope I don't gross you out too much because this is a story about my recent, failed attempt at hair removal.

I don't like using razors because, as some of you know, the texture of a black person's hair makes shaving an almost painful venture. Add to that the fact that razor bumps look atrocious and I'm sure you see my point. I'm not a big fan of using clippers because you have to do it damn near everyday and it leaves a look that's similar to stubble. Also not attractive. Home waxing kits have a tendency to take off your skin. Ouch. So being gainfully unemployed and therefore unable to indulge in spa hair removal, I was down to my last option: depilatories. Yes, I tried to use Nair for my landscaping.

I know you're laughing at my stupidity by now, but in my defense, the bottle said it was "safe for the bikini area." Who knew that crap was going to seep into my lady bits? 

So there I was with Nair carefully placed along the perimeter of my hoo ha, Nair covering both of my hands because boy, can that shit get messy, and suddenly my clitoris was on fire. And not in a good way. It had taken me all of fifteen seconds to apply it and by second number sixteen, I felt like there was something eating through my skin. Turns out, that's exactly what was happening. 

It took fifteen more seconds to get all the gunk off my hands and yet another fifteen to get it off my crotch. All total, the depilatory from hell was on my body for approximately forty-five seconds. In those forty-five painful seconds, it had broken my skin and left me bleeding and raw. I felt like a cat had clawed its way into my pants. And although there are long lines of people waiting to get into my pants, that's just not the way.

It took me and my friend, a Reiki II and a Reiki master respectively, to heal my aching lady parts. Truthfully, I probably could have done it myself, but there are some things with which you take no chances. Vaginas fit in that category. I could barely even walk on Saturday, but by Sunday morning, thanks to Reiki healing and a healthy dose of Percocet leftover from some surgery or another, I was 99% better. Today, I'm at 100 percent.

It's times like this that I'm glad I don't have a job. How the hell do you call your supervisor and explain that you can't come to work because you burned your cooch?

I guess this means I have to go back to shaving. I know everyone is going to come on here and give me advice about the best razors and what not, and that's fine, but I think I've tried them all. Maybe I'll go all rogue hippie and just let it grow into a wild, wiry overgrown garden kinda thing. I do like gardens... 

You can stop laughing at my dumb ass now. It was a momentary, albeit tortuous, lapse in intelligence. Okay, you don't have to stop. That shit is hilarious and even I know it. When I told a few of my friends, they were very sympathetic, but I know they were laughing inside. All except one friend who just laughed outright in my face. Bitch. That's one of the reasons I love her, though because I always know where she stands. Gotta love a bitch who will laugh in your face and not behind your back.

Tomorrow, for sure, I'll feature my best posts from this past year. You won't want to miss the bitching, the name-calling and the judgments that I've passed on people this year. I even called a woman the "c" word once, and I hate that word. 

But that cunt deserved it.


  1. I'm not ashamed to say I laughed... but I'm a bit calmer now, so here's some rare male sympathy and I suggest you try using Vaseline or KY etc as a barrier for the bits you don't want slashed and burnt.

  2. This made me laugh. However now you know how I feel in my 10% Theory posts.

  3. OMG...all women (except naturalists) can understand your pain. I once decided to use Nair on my upper lip...the morning before a Sunday brunch date! I had a red, pimply, weepy rash across my upper lip. I never heard from the guy again.....he was an eye surgeon too...I screwed that date up!


  4. Oh I am not laughing at you my friend.

    I dispise the landscaping business. In fact I keep it pretty damn simple my self. I take care of the ... length with small scissors or lady clippers if I am feeling generous to the hubs. But the actual...shapping is left up to nature.
    I am too chicken to wax and any other method out there leads to painful ingrown hairs and what not.

    So yes, my snatch may be short but she's not skinny.

    ps - go laugh at someone else:

  5. Oh, Mrs. Hyde, you're hilarious. Sorry, because I can sympathize with the act AND the confusion, but hilarious nonetheless.

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  7. i tried to leave a link to the thing i tried once but was unsuccessful. anyway, there's this thing that's like a little electric sander . . . i'm not sure how i ever could've thought it would be a good idea. ^_^

  8. I my gosh I am sooooo sorry! I too have been violated by Nair! It burns like a son of a bitch! I could not put my legs together for at least 3 days. When I read this I had to hold my vagina because I remember very vividly how it felt!
    Remind me to tell you how I was pretty much raped by my vibrator the other night.

  9. You poor woman. My sister warned me about Nair after she had a similar experience so I've since stayed the hell away from that crotch eating chemical concoction from hell.

    It's surprising that there aren't big warnings all over those alleged hair removal products saying "Some side effects may include: 3rd degree hoo-ha burns, blisters, rashes, bleeding, chemical scaring, vaginal disfigurement, and severe pain that lasts several days. Please seek medical treatment immediately if you tempt fate by using this stuff on or around your lady bits."

    Glad to hear you are on the mend. Have a great week!! xo

    The Ranter’s Box

  10. I am sorry, but I am laughing my ass off. So glad I was able to take advantage of a laser and don't have to deal with that any more.

  11. I fucking ROLLED while reading this. I, too, have had a run-in with Nair in that general vicinity but mine wasn't as traumatic.

    P.S. I may have to share some of the quotes from this with my readers. In particular, the one about calling in. My damn side hurts now. ;)

  12. Nair FAILS.

    I tried it for my legs and it wasn't effective at all. And I can sympathize about the hair thing - my hair is jet black.

  13. Arlequin- Oh no! I'm not doing that shit again...EVER.

    OT- I do. I definitely do...

    Hockey Wife- OMG, can't believe you still went. You've got some big ovaries there, lady.

    Annabelle- Short and fat sounds like a good idea to me.

    I Shit You Not- Go ahead, yuk it up. I know my stupidity is hilarious.

    Sunshine- Seriously, why is that shit still on the market?

    Lovkyne- They have those in the non-electric kind, too. I forget what it's called, but it basically sands the fucking skin right off your body. I thought, "I wonder if it really works?" It didn't and my leg was hurting all day.

    Mrs. Pickle- Thank you for letting me know that my dumb ass is not alone. I cannot fucking wait to hear that vibrator story.

    Empress- I smell a class action lawsuit coming on...

    Cakeologist- I'm going to have to look into that myself because I'm tired of torturing my poor body.

    Bitchin'- I'm so glad my pain is amusing to you. :P

    Lemons- I didn't even have time to see how effective it was, but I figure if it can take off my skin, it could take off the hair.

  14. Bwahahahaha. Ok, I am allowed to laugh because I have done the same stupid thing. Not once, but twice! The 2nd time, years after the first incident, I got the sensitive skin stuff. And by "sensitive skin" I believe they truly meant, "must have protective bony plates around vagina".

    Glad that you and your lady bits are feeling better. Long live percocet!

  15. if i win the lottery, we're both getting laser hair removal.

  16. OMG girl, I feel your pain. Literally. When I was in high school, one of my sisters and I decided to do exactly what you had done. It burned so bad, I have stayed with shaving. Even though I hate the razor bumps, it's better than burning your clit off. Also, I love the people who tell you to your face how they feel about you, instead of talking the BS behind your face. Those people I call the two-faced backstabbing cowards. Nice post. Sorry I haven't read your in awhile, had so many things happen these past couple of months. But I am dedicating this day to get caught up.


Bitch with me, will you?