Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Study Break: Grade School Lothario

The rumors are true. I'm smokin' hot. I'm so hot, in fact, that even young guys want a piece of my Case in point. I've been ogled, fondled, and inappropriately hugged all my life, so I'm used to it by now. Just don't rub your crotch against my ass on the dance floor because I will never get used to that bullshit. Most women, I dare say, have been accosted by a member of the male species at some point in her life. But you haven't been hit on, really hit on, until you've been hit on by a fourth grader.

I shit you not.

This is what came up when I googled 'mini Don Juan.' Adorable, right?

I was picking my daughter up from school the other day, minding my own business, which you know I always do, when this mini Don Juan started grinning at me. Being the bitch polite adult that I am, I warmly grinned back at him.

Why the fuck did I do that?

I basically gave DJ an open invitation to lay down his pint-sized mack. Here is a word-for-word transcription of the conversation that ensued.

Again, I shit you not.

Fourth Grade Romeo: I like your hair.
Me: Thank you!
Fourth Grade Romeo: You sure look beautiful today. (I'd never met this little boy before. At least I don't think so. Vodka tends to kill brain cells.)
Me: Aw, how nice of you to say that. Thanks so much.
FGR: What's your name?
Me: Mrs. Hyde.
FGR: My name's Romeo.
Me: That's nice.
FGR: Are you off work today?
Me: Um...yeah. (What a strange question)
FGR: Where do you work?
Me: (stopping myself from explaining my work situation to a 10-year-old) Why?
FGR: Well, I was thinking if you're a nurse or something and I break my arm, I could come to your job and you could fix it.
Me: No, I'm not a nurse, you creepy, creepy little boy. (Where the hell is my daughter?)
FGR: You wanna get out of here and go someplace private?

Okay, so he didn't say that last line, but couldn't you see the conversation going in that direction? Just give him a few more years. He'll be the president of the Future Stalkers of America.

That is all. Stop trying to prevent me from doing my paper that's due by the end of the week. I will not get caught up in long, hilarious conversations with you people. I'm on a mission here. Besides, I've been trying to post off and on for about a week, but blogger's being a little bitch.

I've got one more guest post coming up soon, assuming I'll be allowed to post anything at all on here. Thanks again everyone for your patience while I'm pursuing my dreams!

Love you!


  1. LMAO ... yep, I do believe you called that one accurately. Either that or Eddie Haskell has reincarneted and goes to school with your daughter ... in which case I'd have to look into a transfer for her. For her own protection and my sanity.

  2. You crack me the hell up.

    Getting hit on by a fourth grader. I mean I don't blame him, you are beautiful.

  3. 4th grade you say? what a crack up!!! hilarious love it!!!

  4. you do realise that the Cougar/cub thing is just sooo in fashion at the moment.
    Of course, it might be good to wait until he hits puberty proper. And legal age too.

    Oh you sexy thing Mrs Hyde

  5. That is hilarious.

    Now stop reading comments and write your paper!

  6. What a sly little fucker he is. I love it! Really though I can’t blame him. You are beautiful and fantastic!

  7. Oh stop bitching. When some first grader asked me how old I was the other day, I asked him, "Well,how old do I look to you?" His answer? "About 84?" If you don't want him, give me that 4th grader's number!

  8. i just keep picturing one of those little south park kids.

  9. Wow, he'll be fathering kids at 13 I'm sure. Smooth talker. When Sesame Street was on he must have been checking out Miss Susan or whatever her name was!! You are too cool Mrs. Hyde!!!

  10. ah yes...

    kids that mack are a little slice of future fucked up......

    very nice..

  11. little kids aren't as little as we were at their age. there is this five year old who has been calling me his girlfriend since he was three. cute or creepy? too close to call...

  12. Even if the kid was a horny little bastard surely it made your day to know that you totally rock the world of guys of all ages!

    The Ranter’s Box

  13. The only thing creepier than this kid is his father.... Uncle Pervy, is that you?

  14. Mustang Sally- more like Eddie Haskell 2.0

    OT- Thanks, honey!

    Yesterday- Yes! Shocked the hell out of me and I don't shock easily.

    Mynx- You know eight more years, I'm huntin' him down!

    Annabelle- I finally finished it. Thanks for staying on me about that. :)

    Mrs. Pickle- Thanks, love. Now please make one of your cartoons about it.

    Lolamouse- IKR? You know I just came on here to brag on the sly.

    Lovkyne- I didn't even think of that! Ew.

    Barb- I'd hate to even think of the nasty things he thought about Dora the Explorer!

    Bruce- Hey honey! Nice to see you hanging around. I couldn't have said it better.

    Holly- I'm leaning towards creepy...but that's just me. I have been traumatized, after all.

    Empress- You know it did. Hopefully, he'll grow up to be rich cuz I'm all over that when he's legal.

    OMS- You just know his dad is some creepy old dude who leers at women like it's his birthright. Oh, that reminds me of another story...


Bitch with me, will you?