Saturday, June 18, 2011

It's Time For a Quickie


I just had one, so since I know that many of you aren't getting it regularly either, I thought I'd share mine. You can thank me with cash. That would make me a blog whore, huh? Oh, well, it's better than giving it away for free.
 
Jazz.

What is that about? 

It's as difficult to navigate as Shakespearean poetry. It's akin to nails scratching a a chalkboard. In a word, annoying.

Whenever a man wants to impress a woman, he tells her he likes Jazz. I thought guys stopped doing that, but I swear, I heard a guy saying that to a blonde with big boobs just yesterday. Every time someone wants to seem "deep" or "mature," they proclaim to like Jazz.

Nobody likes Jazz.

That's the biggest crock of bullshit since Tom Cruise pretending to be in love with Katie Holmes so no one would know he was gay. Please. Jumping up and down on Oprah's couch. Who does that? He looked like a fucking idiot.

Straight guys were like, "Dude! Get your dumb ass off that couch and go to a gay bar or something."

Gay guys were like, "Don't send his jazzy ass over here. We don't fuck with him like that."

So yeah.

Jazz. Tom Cruise. Bullshit. 

Don't ask me why I keep fucking with Tom Cruise. Something about him just bothers me. Maybe it was how he was on TV telling women they shouldn't take medication for postpartum depression. Hey, asshole: no uterus, no fucking place in the conversation.

And yes, I realize that I've used the word 'fuck' a lot today, maybe even more than usual. Well...it's that kind of fucking day.

My one year anniversary is coming up soon, so stay tuned for The Best of ABCM. I've written some gems that many of you have yet to read. Needless to say, you're in for a treat.

22 comments:

  1. Cant wait for the Best of ABCM :-)
    I always look forward to a good laugh thanks to you.

    ~Steph

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  2. OMG yes. You wanna really be a beehotch ask them who they like. If they say Davis and Coltrane scream BULLSHIT right in their eye sockets.

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  3. He is an annoying little fucker. Though I loved his character in Magnolia, I suspect THAT is the closet he's been to portraying himself.

    Ah yes, the Saturday morning quickie. I got mine too. At least I "got mine" too. Typical quickie routine doesn't usual give me much in the way of satisfaction other than the "now you owe me one, go make me some coffee" quotient.

    Bring on that best of...i can't wait to see what ive missed.

    Muchly lovin ya

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  4. Reminds me of the Spongebob episode 'Grandma's Kisses' where Patrick and Spongebob aquire a taste for 'free-form jazz' in an attempt to show they are grown-ups.

    Is it weird that everthing seems to remind me of Spongebob...I think my children have poisoned my brain:)

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  5. Thumbs up to overuse of the fuck-word!

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  6. So Jazz is just another way to make an ass out of white guys, like Gangster Rap? I can see that...

    ^5 on the quickie! Get some! or whatever you Americans say.

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  7. I'm laughing so hard picturing a man walking into a gay bar with his jazz hands flapping around. I know you weren't speaking about jazz hands...but it is what came to mind. hehe.

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  8. . . . oh . . . really? cause i've always been a little embarassed to admit that i don't like jazz. some if it's okay, but there's one intrument, i believe it's the sax, that when played in the way it's played in jazz music actually evokes the same kind of sudden urge to stab someone in the face as i get when i hear a car horn. sudden unpleasant loud sounds really have no place in music. unless that music is meant to trigger a kill response.

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  9. might be good music to play on a battlefield, come to think of it. get everyone thoroughly enraged by violating one of the most primitive and personal of our senses. it's in our biology to hate it. for ancient peoples, sharp shrill noises usually indicted death. a good way to activate the fight or flight response, get the ol' adrenaline pumping.
    but, then, may that's the point of jazz music. maybe it's a cry for help.

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  10. I think it's like art, there's good art and there's the mess that any mobile toddler could create, except some critic comes along and says it's fantastic.

    Jazz is the same, some black guy picks up a Sax for the first time, messes about with it for a bit and some white guy comes up and says "Man that's totally rad" or something like that, before you know it they've got the guy cutting records. Desperate to be cool, people are all other them like fat kids on cake... and that's the story of Jazz folks.

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  11. How I love and have missed your posts!!...back on my sidebar for the blog that made me laugh today! I suppose I should just basically give you a free spot on my sidebar, since you always make me laugh!!

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  12. I just got done having a quickie too! Didn’t even realize till after wards that our window was open. I am sure it will be fun to see our Christian neighbors tomorrow knowing they heard me yell “FUCK ME HARDER!”

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  13. Oh sometimes a quickie is just perfect..
    Straight guys only appreciate Jazz if thier wife/girlfriend has just come home from a Michael Buble' concert....Hot Hot Hot *sigh

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  14. The gays dont want tom cruise either.....fucking priceless!

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  15. I actually do like jazz, however I don't believe men when they say they like it, too.... As for Tom Cruise, he is a wacko hypocrite, and deserves to be made fun of.

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  16. i'm with you there is just something about that guy that i can't stand

    Everyday Life

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  17. Yeah I feel the same way about Tom Cruise he pisses me off.........also Jazz I can take it or leave it.

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  18. Steph- Thanks! It's coming soon!

    Tanya- The next time I hear a guy using that lame pick-up line, I WILL ask them that. Brilliant idea!

    Annabelle- I have never really seen what people see in him.

    Cakeologist- I thought of that episode, too! I ♥ Spongebob!

    grrlee- That happens a lot around here, so stick around.

    Arlequin- I don't think white guys need help making asses of themselves. For that matter, neither do black guys or Hispanic or Asian.

    OT- I knew you would.

    Jewels- That's exactly how I pictured him walking into the bar.

    Lovkyne- The sad part is, after I saw Mo' Better Blues, I was convinced I was in love with saxophone players for awhile. Turns out, it was only Denzel Washington that stirred my loins.

    Hockey Wife- Aw, sweetest comment ever! Thank you. I enjoy making you laugh.

    I Shit You Not- YOU are fucking awesome as well. Thank you, my dear.

    Mrs. Pickle- Fuck'em. They could stand to get laid a little more often. At least the ones who aren't molesting little boys and cheating on their cancer-stricken wives.

    Mynx- Now, I have heard of him, but I've never heard him play. I might google him just to see what he looks like, but I still don't want to hear the jazz.

    Tired Mom- Can you blame them?

    OMS- He does and I will take every opportunity I get to do so.

    Becca- IKR? He must have ripped me off in a past life or something.

    Joanne- I just look at him and get an instant attitude.

    Just so you guys know, the kind of quickie you think I had ain't even close to the kind I actually had. But thanks for thinking of me all hot and sexy like. Rawr!

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  19. nope don't like him either !! he's a weirdo.
    looking forward to the new/old posts,I can bet I've missed some dooozies :)
    the poster who relates everything to spongebob? i used to the same with the simpsons....

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  20. love anything mocking Tom Cruise. What a douche.

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Bitch with me, will you?