Thursday, April 7, 2011

Who's Your Mama?



The following is a paid advertisement from Sit On Your Fat Ass Productions and does not necessarily represent the views of Mrs. Hyde, A Bitch Called Mom, or The Well-Fed Spirit.

Just kidding. The last time I had ads on my blog, I only had about 20 followers. Took the ads off, now almost 200. So...the ads stay gone.

What I really want to do is tell you about a conversation I had yesterday in a parking lot.

Apparently, I have a face that says, "Please bore me with your mindless, personal bullshit" because strangers are always coming up to me and telling me all their personal business. Once a lady, in the same parking lot now that I think of it, just started telling me about her illnesses and all the medication she had to take but couldn't afford. She started crying, bawling actually, and people were looking at me like I had done something to her. I would have given her a hug, but...I didn't know that bitch. I didn't know what kind of germs and shit she had. I mean, she said she was sick, right? So I gave her two dollars to put toward her next crack hit and hightailed it the fuck outta there.

In our area we have what might be called a super shopping center. Nobody really calls it that. I'm just making this shit up as I go along, but roll with it. In this super shopping center there is a Walmart/Sam's Club/Home Depot Complex, several smaller stores and restaurants, and my favorite store Aldi. Directly on the backside of this complex, the ass if you will, there are even more stores including, Giant, Marshall's, Dollar Tree, etc. I count at least 24 additional businesses that I haven't named. Needless to say, I live in this shopping center.

Back to the conversation. Let me set the scene for you:

Approximately 1:00 PM on a sunny Wednesday afternoon. The temperature was about 60 degrees, but as it was not that warm when I initially left the house, I was wearing a whole sheep heavy cardigan sweater.

I had just left Sam's Club and was in the parking lot placing my 17-pack of bread in the trunk of my van. The minuscule amount of exercise it took for me to walk from the store to my van with all that bread was enough to encourage a hot flash. I opened the driver's side door and proceeded to remove the five pounds of sheep's ass from my back and toss it into the passenger seat.

As I did this, a young man, a baby really, happened by. And so the following insane conversation ensued.

Man Baby: Damn! Who knew you were hiding all that under that sweater?
Me: Are you calling me fat?
Man baby: Naw, Ma. I'm saying, you looking good. (the preceding comma was not a mistake. 'I'm saying' is an expression all its own)
Me: Do I look like your mama?
Man Baby (laughing his ass off at the hot old lady): You damn sure don't look like my mama. That's just something young guys say to women who look good to them. Like 'baby,' but less offensive.
Me: You think it's less offensive to call me 'Ma' than it is to call me 'baby?' Of all the things I need, one more person calling me 'Ma' ain't one of them.
MB: I thought older women didn't like to be called 'baby.'
Me: So now I'm old?
MB (fidgeting nervously and wishing he had just admired my ass and boobs from a distance): No, um, you're not old, just older than me. A little. I think. Look, I was just trying to give you a compliment. I saw you standing there and when you took off your sweater, I saw your body and I was like 'wow.' I just wanted to tell you how good you looked.
Me: Actually, you were like 'damn', but whatever. What do you like about it?
MB: Huh?
Me: My body. What do you like about it?
MB: Um, your um...the whole thing.
Me: Do you like my ass?
MB (sweating bullets): Yeah. It's...it's nice.
Me: Good. I was wondering if the injections were working or not.
MB: Injections?
Me: Yeah. I get chicken hormones injected into my ass once a week.
MB: Why the hell you do that, Ma?
Me (giving him the evil eye): Because not all black women were born with Beyonce booties. Besides, have you seen the asses on those Purdue chickens?
MB: .......
Me: What? You never heard of that? How do you think Kim Kardashian's ass got so big? The only downside is that you have to keep getting the injections because the hormones don't last long. Think about it: every time you see Kim K, her ass is a different size. That's cause she's in various stages of chicken ass withdrawal.
MB: ......
Me: What I really hate are the side effects. You see this? (I show him a gray hair on my chin) It looks like a hair, but it's really a feather. They grow everywhere that hair grows. EVERYWHERE.
MB: Yeah...I'ma...um...it was nice...yeah. (He starts walking real fast toward Walmart)
Me: Hey! Are you all right? You don't look so good. Watch out for that truck!

That'll teach him to call me an old fat mama.

What?

I'm was merely preparing the lad for his future relationships. Because when you accost women in the parking lot of the Walmart/Sam's/Home Depot complex, all you'll get is crazy.

Okay, this didn't really happen. When he doled out his initial 'compliment,' I grinned politely, got in my van, and drove away.

But now you understand the craziness that goes on in my head.

I told you it was scary.

27 comments:

  1. I think this right here has to be your best post of all time.

    I loved it!!!!

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  2. LMAO!!!!!!! You're his perfect vision of milf!

    Sometimes they need to be schooled....early on. You would have done him a favor had that conversation really went down. :)

    I too suffer from "Please tell me your problems b/c I don't care" syndrome. Its an epidemic most places I go. Especially when I'm walking my dog....I have an old post about that somewhere. :)

    Have a great day hottie!

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  3. awww I really wish you had gone off on him!

    The last time a man boy put his hand on my ass/boob etc in a bar, I turned around and politely took a handful of his manhood.

    MB - ....looking shocked and in the process of saying, "wtf bitch?"
    Me: Squeezing his manhood a little... "what in the world told you it was okay to put your ugly paws on me uninvited and I wouldn't return the favour?"
    MB- Looking shocked, his friends laughing their asses off.
    Me: "I thought so, (released him) have a nice night".

    His friends ended up sitting with us the rest of the night, not sure where he ended up but I do not think he will ever put his paws on another woman uninvited again. lol

    I love this post!

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  4. Bawk bawk bawk!
    Oh my that was hilarious!! I have tears streaming from me eyes!!

    And Aldi's rocks!!

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  5. That, my dear, was kick ass.

    I wish it really happened... watch the guy squirm and study your booty for signs of chicken hormones.

    I need to take you shopping with me.

    StephanieC

    _

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  6. Hah! I love it! I also must have a sign on my forehead that says "Tell Me Your Problems." I think it disappears when I look in the mirror but everyone else can see it!

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  7. Please re-enact this for youtube. It would quickly become a cult classic, and hopefully teach a few of those clueless boys out there that they need to learn some manners. Case in point, I once had a man in a grocery store holler down the completely opposite end of the frozen food aisle "Damn baby, you hot". I spun around to see this fool looking like he thought I was going to abandoned my shopping and run off with him. Crazy asses like that need some schooling!

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  8. that was too hilarious. reminds me of how sometimes, when i'm getting to know a new person, there's a phase in which i casually try to give them the impression i'm crazy.

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  9. Mrs. Hyde, you and I need to go to a bar together some night that is filled with young drunk kids. We could have a ball! We so think alike.Love you!

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  10. this was like, jus sayin, a funny post! i too have the crazy magnet...

    it is cuz your so hot!

    me its cuz im man pretty!

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  11. Pure awesome. Laughed my fat chicken ass off.

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  12. At this point in my life I welcome any and all compliments from a man baby...

    Between your and Rancher Mom's posts, I might actually die. I can't laugh that hard without having an asthma attack. I wonder what my Dr. will say at my next visit "is anything new affecting your asthma?" "Yes, Dr., these two blogger bitches..."

    What is Aldi's?

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  13. I agree with OT. This might be your best ev-ah! If not it def belongs in the hall of fame.

    Various stages of chicken fat withdrawl....and flucking feathers!!!! OMG!!

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  14. Oh what a spinner of YARNS you are ;0)
    Luved it!

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  15. OT- I think you're just happy to have confirmation that I am, in fact, batshit crazy.

    Mamma- What the hell IS that? Do we look like therapists or something?

    Just Sayin- That was awesome! I'm definitely going squirrel huntin' the next time a dude grabs my ass.

    Rancher- Most def. I'm buying stock in that freakin' store.

    Stephanie- That's all I do is shop, cook, clean, and sometimes blog, so we'll have plenty of opportunities to teach these dudes some manners.

    Lolamouse- I think we should start some sort of unlicensed therapy practice.

    Empress- Yeah, they think they've got soooo much game when they need to sit their asses on the bench. Might consider the YouTube thing.

    Lovkyne- I did that to my husband when I first met him! OMG you just gave me another post to write. Thanks!

    Barb- You have no idea how much I would love that. Gotta make my way to Utah...That's where you are now, right?

    Bruce- Mamma, Lolamouse, and I are starting an illegal therapy practice. We're going to charge $200/hour for the services we now give for free. You should come with.

    Bagel Fairy- I think the chicken hormones can also seep into our bodies when we eat chicken cuz my ass is getting big anyway and I actually have not been injecting my ass.

    Cakeologist- Don't let those quacks fool you. Laughter IS the best medicine. Just keep your inhaler next to your computer! Click the link if you want to know what Aldi is. I love it too much to give it a brief explanation.

    Tory- Hall of fame...that's a good idea. I might have to get some of those together. Ooh! I can do that for my 1st anniversary in a couple months. Thanks for the idea!

    Shit You Not- Thanks, honey! I keep tryna tell people how scary it is in my head, but they never believe me. Needless to say they will now.

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  16. i am so on board...

    i love me some crazy!

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  17. AWESOME!!! I don't think I could ever think that quick on my feet!

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  18. We do not have an Aldi in Utah (I was at first thinking it was a shoe store...but that is Aldo). I feel deprived.

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  19. Too funny (says she with dinner spat on her keyboard)!

    I bet if you hang out in a Walmart parking lot for say, an hour or two, that the above fictional situation would become real!

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  20. Oh My Goodness-Awesome post! That was great...and he got what he deserved. You have to watch how you address women of certain ages. I cannot handle being called ma'am...it makes me want to cry---men should tread lightly with that! Always go for younger slang than older. Way to set him straight!!

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  21. This was brilliant! I started laughing at how you were going to give the woman a hug but you didn't know that bitch and she could have germs, all the way down to the chicken ass injections!

    Fantastic post, darlin'!~

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  22. Oh, MAMASITA...that would have actually been SOOOO golden if you had schooled his ass with that conversation you had in your head! And the great thing? I actually totally envisioned you having that conversation with the dumb young grasshopper...right up until you said you didn't. And you're right...those Perdue chickens ARE some juicy thangs...LMAO!

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  23. Bruce- Don't we all?

    Miss Rosie- Yeah, I thought it, but as you can see I was too chicken shit to say it out loud.

    Cakeologist- Best. Store. Ever. Especially if you've got 75 kids like me.

    OMS- It almost did happen,,,but I chose to use my powers for good this time.

    Dad- Aw, I've missed you, too. Big smooch for you!

    Jewels- I'm pretty much over the ma'am thing as I've been called Ma'am for about nine years now.

    Kat- Thanks, honey! I may have cringed away from her, but I did give her some drug money...

    Reckmonster- Gotta love a chicken with a fat ass!

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  24. deliciously wonderful you gorgeous sexy woman.
    Left me giggling totally.

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  25. All I can say is LAUGHING MY MUTHAFUCKING ASS OFF!!!!!!

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  26. Mynx- It's what I do to entertain myself since I'm home alone a lot.

    Nicole- Sometimes my insanity can be channeled into something entertaining. lol

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Bitch with me, will you?