Hug you, Asshole!

Wow.

We're ten days into May and I haven't had time to post anything on this blog. That's just wrong. Oh, I've had plenty to bitch about, like the dumbass who almost ran into my van and had the nerve to yell at me from his speeding car. Or my seventeen-year-old playing hooky, telling me she didn't, and sticking with the lie long after it was apparent that I had proof that she did it. Teenagers are so stupid. I hate them. All of them. Yours, mine, the Pope's. All. Of. Them.

Excuse me while I call President Obama and find out how I can arrange one of those convenient burials at sea.

I want to thank those that offered to do a guest post for me. I want to send a special thanks to those who actually sent guest posts. Thank you so much for enabling my need to ignore my readers at this busy time in my life. Bartender! Cuervo for all!

Before I present the first guest post by that awesome Aussie, Mynx, I want to post some of the homeless tweets that were submitted in the comments of the last blog. This is probably grossly un-PC of me, but I adored the homeless tweets. I'm not exactly sure what that says about me, but there you go.

From Annabelle: New Fridge box WOOT! Party at my corner. Bring your own sterno.

From Lovkyne: to the person who stole my water while i slept: i've been constipated for days and mixed my laxatives in there.

From The Onion: @smellsUNLIKEteenspirit don't go with the chinese food behind Lings. Too much fire, gave me the runs, TP?


AmandaO submitted these gems: @BoxCarWillie Hey man, left my jar at your box behind the station. Don't open it - those ain't pickles....


@ the subway trynn 2 hustle sum nickls. im sooooo booarrredddd txt me:)


And my absolute favorite from You're Lucky I Don't Have A Gun: @maninthemirror look at me like that one more time and i'm going to punch you in the fucking face.


What? Did you think I was going to take the heat for ragging on the technologically advanced homeless all by myself? Um...hell no.

For those who don't know my first guest poster, Mynx, she is the awesome Aussie author of two blogs. (Bow before my kick ass alliteration skills.) Dribble... is her journal. "I don't know where this is going," Mynx says. "But you are welcome to join me for the ride." If you want to take a ride of a whole 'nother kind, stop over to her naughty blog Simple Pleasures and prepare to be...stimulated.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mynx. Bow chicka wow wow...




I am thrilled to have the opportunity to guest again here on “A Bitch Called Mum”
I have partied here before, when Mrs Hyde gave me the opportunity to release my inner “fuck” and tell a story all about how I surprised everybody on the Kindy Committee with my ability to not only say it loudly but multiple times.


The post below doesn’t use the fabulous Fbomb but was written when I was feeling rather fierce.


For those that know me, know I often sign off comments and posts with an affectionate “hugs”


One time, a male blogger (who I am no longer in contact with) struck up an email friendship with me which soon become obvious he was hoping for a bit more “Naughty Mynx” than the regular everyday Mynx from Dribble. (So not interested in that stuff)


He followed my blog and I started following his.  And commenting.  And the rest as you say is history...


You might consider this to be an overreaction, perhaps, but considering his attitude (and the way he kept hitting on me), I think his wife was probably right to be a little suspicious of him...




December 21st 2010


I have been chewing on this all day and I think it is time to spit it out. 


The other day I left a comment on another blog that was basically "get well soon, Hugs".  Now the blogger happens to be male and also had spent the weekend suffering from food poisoning and was apparently rather unwell.  


Now this morning, I woke up to an email asking me (very nicely) to "be careful" what I wrote in the comments on his blog as he found it tricky to explain to his wife why I sent "hugs".  


Now those that have been following me for a while would know that I often send hugs.  


Sometimes I even send kisses....to men even.  And if you get hugs and kisses WOW.  


That is me.  I do that.  Deal with it.


So being me I decided that the best thing to do would be to prepare a form letter for use in future, should I slip up and leave hugs where I shouldn't.


As with form letters, just print and delete unnecessary words.





Dear wife/ husband/ girlfriend/ boyfriend/ significant other/ sex slave/ doormat


It has been brought to my attention that you are concerned/ upset/ jealous/ miffed/ peeved/ curious/ about the fact that I left hugs/ kisses/ smooches/ death threats/ lace underwear/ chocolate cake on your husband/wife/boyfriend/ girlfriend/ partner in life/ master/ housekeepers blog.


Please be reassured that I have no intention of 
1/ Flying ..................(insert distance) to have a mad passionate affair
2/ Driving..................(insert distance) to have a mad passionate affair
3/ Walking................(insert distance) to have a mad passionate affair


In fact, I am too bloody tired to have a mad passionate affair with the man already in my bed so why the hell would I want one with ..................................?


Just because I write stories of a rather naughty nature and my profile pic focuses on my luscious /delightful/ glorious cleavage/smile/wineglass, doesn't mean I am looking to jump the bones of anybody other than my sexy husband.


Please accept that if ................................. blogs that they are sick /dying /in debt to the tax man / just ran over their dog /got yelled at by you, I am most likely to offer sympathy.


Standard sympathy includes virtual hugs.  


Hugs/ Smooches/ Love/ Kisses/ regards/ Happy Holidays/ yours sincerely


Mynx   xxxxxx (delete if considered offensive)




The blog world is the only part of my life where I don't have to deal with people telling me what I can and can't do.   
I have enough bullshit in my real life.  


Don't like my comments, delete them.  I am a big girl, I will survive.
Just don't try to tell me how to write them.  


It only pisses me off.


Whew! Remind me not to get on Mynx's bad side.