Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Hug you, Asshole!

Wow.

We're ten days into May and I haven't had time to post anything on this blog. That's just wrong. Oh, I've had plenty to bitch about, like the dumbass who almost ran into my van and had the nerve to yell at me from his speeding car. Or my seventeen-year-old playing hooky, telling me she didn't, and sticking with the lie long after it was apparent that I had proof that she did it. Teenagers are so stupid. I hate them. All of them. Yours, mine, the Pope's. All. Of. Them.

Excuse me while I call President Obama and find out how I can arrange one of those convenient burials at sea.

I want to thank those that offered to do a guest post for me. I want to send a special thanks to those who actually sent guest posts. Thank you so much for enabling my need to ignore my readers at this busy time in my life. Bartender! Cuervo for all!

Before I present the first guest post by that awesome Aussie, Mynx, I want to post some of the homeless tweets that were submitted in the comments of the last blog. This is probably grossly un-PC of me, but I adored the homeless tweets. I'm not exactly sure what that says about me, but there you go.

From AnnabelleNew Fridge box WOOT! Party at my corner. Bring your own sterno.

From Lovkyneto the person who stole my water while i slept: i've been constipated for days and mixed my laxatives in there.

From The Onion@smellsUNLIKEteenspirit don't go with the chinese food behind Lings. Too much fire, gave me the runs, TP?


AmandaO submitted these gems: @BoxCarWillie Hey man, left my jar at your box behind the station. Don't open it - those ain't pickles....


@ the subway trynn 2 hustle sum nickls. im sooooo booarrredddd txt me:)


And my absolute favorite from You're Lucky I Don't Have A Gun: @maninthemirror look at me like that one more time and i'm going to punch you in the fucking face.


What? Did you think I was going to take the heat for ragging on the technologically advanced homeless all by myself? Um...hell no.

For those who don't know my first guest poster, Mynx, she is the awesome Aussie author of two blogs. (Bow before my kick ass alliteration skills.) Dribble... is her journal. "I don't know where this is going," Mynx says. "But you are welcome to join me for the ride." If you want to take a ride of a whole 'nother kind, stop over to her naughty blog Simple Pleasures and prepare to be...stimulated.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mynx. Bow chicka wow wow...




I am thrilled to have the opportunity to guest again here on “A Bitch Called Mum”
I have partied here before, when Mrs Hyde gave me the opportunity to release my inner “fuck” and tell a story all about how I surprised everybody on the Kindy Committee with my ability to not only say it loudly but multiple times.


The post below doesn’t use the fabulous Fbomb but was written when I was feeling rather fierce.


For those that know me, know I often sign off comments and posts with an affectionate “hugs”


One time, a male blogger (who I am no longer in contact with) struck up an email friendship with me which soon become obvious he was hoping for a bit more “Naughty Mynx” than the regular everyday Mynx from Dribble. (So not interested in that stuff)


He followed my blog and I started following his.  And commenting.  And the rest as you say is history...


You might consider this to be an overreaction, perhaps, but considering his attitude (and the way he kept hitting on me), I think his wife was probably right to be a little suspicious of him...




December 21st 2010


I have been chewing on this all day and I think it is time to spit it out. 


The other day I left a comment on another blog that was basically "get well soon, Hugs".  Now the blogger happens to be male and also had spent the weekend suffering from food poisoning and was apparently rather unwell.  


Now this morning, I woke up to an email asking me (very nicely) to "be careful" what I wrote in the comments on his blog as he found it tricky to explain to his wife why I sent "hugs".  


Now those that have been following me for a while would know that I often send hugs.  


Sometimes I even send kisses....to men even.  And if you get hugs and kisses WOW.  


That is me.  I do that.  Deal with it.


So being me I decided that the best thing to do would be to prepare a form letter for use in future, should I slip up and leave hugs where I shouldn't.


As with form letters, just print and delete unnecessary words.





Dear wife/ husband/ girlfriend/ boyfriend/ significant other/ sex slave/ doormat


It has been brought to my attention that you are concerned/ upset/ jealous/ miffed/ peeved/ curious/ about the fact that I left hugs/ kisses/ smooches/ death threats/ lace underwear/ chocolate cake on your husband/wife/boyfriend/ girlfriend/ partner in life/ master/ housekeepers blog.


Please be reassured that I have no intention of 
1/ Flying ..................(insert distance) to have a mad passionate affair
2/ Driving..................(insert distance) to have a mad passionate affair
3/ Walking................(insert distance) to have a mad passionate affair


In fact, I am too bloody tired to have a mad passionate affair with the man already in my bed so why the hell would I want one with ..................................?


Just because I write stories of a rather naughty nature and my profile pic focuses on my luscious /delightful/ glorious cleavage/smile/wineglass, doesn't mean I am looking to jump the bones of anybody other than my sexy husband.


Please accept that if ................................. blogs that they are sick /dying /in debt to the tax man / just ran over their dog /got yelled at by you, I am most likely to offer sympathy.


Standard sympathy includes virtual hugs.  


Hugs/ Smooches/ Love/ Kisses/ regards/ Happy Holidays/ yours sincerely


Mynx   xxxxxx (delete if considered offensive)




The blog world is the only part of my life where I don't have to deal with people telling me what I can and can't do.   
I have enough bullshit in my real life.  


Don't like my comments, delete them.  I am a big girl, I will survive.
Just don't try to tell me how to write them.  


It only pisses me off.


Whew! Remind me not to get on Mynx's bad side.

23 comments:

  1. love that mean mynx-y! all fire-y and shit!...

    good job mynx!

    and i totally agree about teenagers...

    mine looked at me a few months ago (before i was unemployed) and had the ovaries to tell me that "you eat everything" cuz i had the last piece of some shit, never mind that my hard work, and brow sweat and aching body have provided her every fucking thing for the past 13 years.

    fuckin stupid ingrates...

    this my be what my post is about...

    i will have my guester soon...

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  2. Well I am glad you are back Hyde. Sorry about the dumbass teens.

    Great guest post Mynx. It is nice to see the mean side every once in a while.

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  3. That sounds like my sis when she was a teenager. Her lying always got her in worse trouble.

    You can hug me all you want Mynx. I love hugs. Nice letter.

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  4. Hilarity.

    I love that "hugs" was a panty throwing come on to some dude you barely know. Sad.

    Can't wait to check out your blogs. In my head I hear everything being read in a delightful Aussie accent.

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  5. I love your form letter, may I borrow? :-)

    I was in a similar situation with a Facebook who is playing the line on flirt/stalking me (we have never met) and then said he had to delete a post because his teenage daughter was asking who I was. We live 5 states away and have never even seen each other. i assured him he was as safe as a kitten...even in person. Men.

    www.alotoflayers.blogspot.com

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  6. Mynx, I remember when you posted this because I too am a virtual hugger and that's all there is to that. Done. We hug. We rock!

    Mrs. Hyde...Sorry I didn't send you a post. I can barely keep up with mine anymore. But having Mynx on your blog makes you rock too!

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  7. welcome back and great guest post i still have to say i love the form letter it's perfect

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  8. Thanks for having me over Mrs Hyde. Love coming to play here on your blog and freeing the snarky side.
    Thanks for all the great comments so far too.
    Hugs everybody

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  9. Gahhhh! Teenagers! Now you know why I will not have a baby: they turn into teenagers.

    Awesome guest post, Mynx!

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  10. Welcome back Mrs. Hyde / my sister from a different mister. You have been missed. Loved your reference to burials at sea. Hope the studies are going well.

    @Mynx: I remember this post and it is just as enjoyable the 2nd time around.

    Hugs to you both!!!!

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  11. Hey Mrs. Hyde,
    I feel your teenager pain. Mine doesn't lie (that I know of yet) but rather is blatantly truthful- "Mom, you look ridiculous!" "Mom, don't ever use text talk because you sound like you're trying to be cool and you just sound stupid." "Mom, your boobs are down to your knees." Should I continue?

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  12. There are people who really shouldn't drive they cause accidents or near accidents and think it is someones fault bloody idiots they are........

    I remember when daughter number 2 was in high school she would skip school or dress inappropriately for school even though she was dressed in her school clothes when she left home but thought I was stupid enough to believe that I thought she was some kind of angel when out of my sight............

    Now Mynx I love virtual hugs and do not get people thinking a virtual hug implies something else.........so I loved the form letter it was great and just goes to show even the nicest of use can be a right bitch when we want to be...........oh no I don't mean you can be a bitch I mean some of us like me not you...........I am going to leave now before I did myself into a bigger hole............lol

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  13. Bwahahahahaha. Love it. You handled the situation so gracefully/reasonably/calmly/much better than I would have.

    You're a goddess.

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  14. Fantastic Mynx - Loved this little "form" letter of yours! There's always some lost soul (read shit head) that can't separate the "real world" from their "blogging world" and they need a little Mynx-y TLC!

    Great Post!
    Jenny

    And...love the look of your pad back home - just came from there - nice reno!

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  15. Ah.... I remember that post well Mynx... It still brings a smile to my face!

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  16. I, too, remember that post. Didn't we all decide he was a little douche canoe-y? I like the part where you say you aren't going to drive/fly/walk xxx amount of miles to have an affair, that you are too tired to have one with the husband you've got.

    I hear ya' sister! :D

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  17. Very typical of the Mynx I know......she tells it as it is. If anyone is familiar with Alabama government/politics they might better understand it if I say she puts it down where the goats can get to it.

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  18. Love the template letter! I can't seem to comment on your blog tho...no link to click on for me to leave comments.

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  19. Mynx is one of my blog buddies and this guest post was absolutely awesome. She can sure tell like it is. Thanks for having her today. It was great visiting.
    Odie

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  20. HUGS to you Mynx :) Don't worry Boyfriend won't mind.

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  21. any man who finds it "tricky" to explain your usage of hugs = pussy.

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  22. It doesn't feel that long since you did a post since I just caught up with your previous one the other day. =P Keep kickin' ass like you do, Mrs Hyde!

    And Mynx-y, I would not fuck with you for all the tea in China. O_O (My new coworker uses that phrase all the time and it's so clean that it makes me laugh~)

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Bitch with me, will you?