Saturday, May 14, 2011

Sexy Vamp

I have a few hours to kill (ha!), so I thought I'd type up a post on my favorite subject (besides dumbasses, that is): me. I know what you're saying. Bitch, you always talk about yourself. What else is new? It's true, but I want to talk about something that will really clue you in as to the magnificence that is me.

Some of you know that I recently cut off all my hair and went "natural." To the clueless few of you who don't know what "went natural" means, I stopped relaxing my hair. This is a far bigger deal than you think, both the haircut and the lack of a relaxer.

Hair is a big part of what makes a woman feel special and/or beautiful. For at least the last 15 years of my life, I've worn my hair long and luxurious. It was instrumental in the creation of my sexy bitchitude and the main thing holding it together. I don't really know who I am without my hair. When I made the decision to cut off all my hair and never (well, maybe not never) relax it again, I was worried about how my self-image would change.

I cut it off and the first thing I felt was...

Wait for it...


Nothing like extremely short hair to accentuate the bigness of your ass. Already having struggled with weight issues since giving birth almost 17 years ago, I was none too please about having my extra poundage so clearly...defined. I decided to shrug it off, hit the track, and significantly decrease my chocolate intake.

So as I sit here munching on a chocolate bar, licking its melty goodness from my fingers between keystrokes, I'm almost giddy to tell you about an experience I had yesterday, big ass and all.

I had to get a much needed oil change for the minivan that certain of my blog friends who shall remain nameless seem to despise. (Rhymes with The Pimptress) Realizing that it had been eight months since the van had had one (don't tell hubby), I hightailed to the cheapest oil and lube shop to get 'r done.

As I pulled up, I noticed that one of the mechanic or technicians or whatever the hell they're called followed me with his eyes from the moment I drove up, watched me get out of my car, and never took his eyes off me until I walked inside the building and up to the counter where he stood.

During this eye bath, I became self-conscious. I looked over my modest clothing to see if I had inadvertently spilled something on my shirt. My boobs tend to be food magnets; their favorites being mustard, spaghetti sauce and red wine. But no, he couldn't have seen that while I was still in the car...could he? As my muffin top was securely jammed into my jeans, I knew he wasn't staring at that particular "problem area." I had already done the cursory makeup and hair check before I exited the van, so I was good there. Finally, I said to myself, "fuck it" and went about the business I had come for.

When I walked up to the counter, I immediately noticed that the guy's breathing increased. I only noticed this because for the past week, I've been reading this vampire series and vamps can, apparently, notice subtle changes in things like that. Call me a wannabe, but that shit has me fascinated to the point that I've been acting like a vamp ever since I started reading the books: watching how people breathe, noticing smells and other things I wouldn't normally notice, biting people. Don't judge me. Last month I was acting like a werewolf. Okay, you can judge me. A little.

Thinking it was curious that he was suddenly breathing a lot heavier than he had been a few seconds ago, I proceeded to tell him what I was there for. He asked me a question, but he spoke so softly that I didn't understand what he'd asked. He cleared his throat, mentally strengthened his resolve, increased the volume of his voice and asked again. I gave him all the info he needed, then took a seat to wait.

Ten minutes later, he came back to report on what the dude under my car found, and he kept tripping over his words. "Mrs. Hyde, um, my guy said you have two tucked up fliers, I mean fucked up tires, I mean...DAMN...I shouldn'ta said that. Um...(chuckle) I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me...He said your tront fliers...UGH!...your FRONT TIRES are bad and you need to change them soon (mumbles something unintelligible under his breathe). You want us to undress them CHANGE them or are you, um, good?"

So...I sat there, brow furrowed, trying to figure out if the guy was having some sort of breakdown and if so, should I grab my shit and leave or call 911 and then grab my shit and leave? Even better, I should grab my shit and leave, and call 911 from the comfort and safety of my home. Swallowing hard, I informed him that I would tell hubby about the tires, I just needed his flustered ass to get my oil changed. I'll let you imagine the conversation about whether I wanted the regular or the premium oil change.

See how I casually threw in the fact that I have a husband? He was starting to freak me out and my vamp senses were telling me to get the fuck outta there. But, bad ass bloodsucker that I am, I stayed.

Fifteen more minutes later, this was now officially the longest fucking oil change I'd ever had considering there was no one before me. Urkel told me my car was ready. I walked over to him to pay for my services and he started breathing heavy again. I eyed him cautiously as I removed my credit card from my wallet and tossed it on the counter so as not to touch his creepy ass hands. He ripped the paper off the printer thing, picked up a pen so that I could sign the invoice thingy, and promptly lost control of the pen. It flew in the air, did a few somersaults, and came down millimeters from my face. Urkel damn near killed himself trying to apologize.

What did I do?

I grabbed my shit and

I came to the conclusion, as I ran scared from the Oil and Lube, that I made Urkel nervous. I guess this means short hair or long, fat ass or no, I've it? I don't know if I want it that fucking badly. If I wasn't so freaked out, I might have gotten my oil change and new tires for free. Oh well, live and learn. Right?

Maybe I'll post a pic after I put a couple layers of makeup and shit on my face. Maybe not. Don't know if I'm ready for the whole world to see my new look.

Thanks, you guys, for hanging in there with me during my procrastination studies. I have a few more guest posts coming up in the next couple of weeks. I'm going to try and alternate between my personal posts and my guest posts just so you won't forget me. No promises, though. Please come back and support my guests.

Love you!


  1. I missed your posts while I was gone, stupid internet! I can't wait to see pics of the new do, I'll bet you still look as gorgeous as always.

  2. I do the same thing after I read a book - after "A Piece of Cake," everyone I interviewed was suddenly a drug addict and I was trying to decipher which kind of addict they were. Glad it's not just me!

  3. I want to see a pic of the new do! I love short hair and I bet you look even more sexy and beautiful - if that's possible:)

  4. Just saying I have lots of superplusgood perceptions about you and they have nothing to do with what you looked like before or what you look like now.

    But like Sam Seaborn said, I bet you could make a good dog break his leash.

  5. I'm telling ya Mrs. H., a lot of men out there like a big girl. I have had shout outs by young guys, my son (29) has friends that I know were flirting with me even though I had to pretend not to notice and I've had previous men I knew tell me not to lose any weight because I was just fine. And I think I'm a fat ass. So you must be super fine woman!!!

  6. Are you reading the Sookie Stackhouse series? Love those.

    I bet you're a stunner, a foxy mamma, a knock out....especially if you believe that you are.

  7. You weren't by chance referring to me were you love? Minivan owner or not, I have no doubt you know how to drive it like woman in charge (unlike those efftards I occasionally diss). ...Even though our boy Urkel was a tad creepy, isn't it a little bit fun to know that you can make the boys go all 'jelly in the knees'? Flaunt it and love it Mrs. Hyde!!

  8. This post is funny! In a creepy way. Girl, every woman loves her hair, and her look. It's very hard to change it once you get comfortable with the look.

    As for what happened in the automechanic shop, I laughed. Damn right about getting your shit for free, or almost. Every time I take my care to the mechs to get whatever done to her, I wear the skimpiest clothing and watch the discounts fly. There's no shame in it if you got it. :)

  9. I saw a chick a few weeks ago that had her hair natural a few days ago, and it was curly, and shiny, and just fab.. I'll admit, I was a little jealous... I bet your hair looks great.

  10. is hat hair considered letting you hair go natural?
    cuz that what im doing...

    and after being labeled *fatass* by my doctor, i realize...i don't have it any more.

    glad you are embracing your inner vamp...and werewolf...

    smart is the new sexy, (smexy), so you rock the world baby...

    erkle was hittin on your smexy...

    and by the way...your vampy does NOT make your but look big!

  11. Rancher- Thanks! I'll probably wait until it grows a bit before I post pics.

    Holly- Isn't it great to not be the only crazy person?

    Cakeologist- Aw, thanks! Maybe soon for the pics...maybe.

    Mollie- You always make me laugh. Thanks for your kinds words.

    Barb- I know plenty of men who love a big girl and even I feel that sexy is a state of mind...I'm just really hard on myself, as are we all.

    Annabelle- Thanks! I'm reading the Conversion series by S.C. Stephens. I'm hooked!

    Empress- You know exactly who I was talking about...Urkel gave me a bit of an ego boost and a paranoia complex all at once.

    Beautiful- Yeah, I just need to get used to it. It's such a drastic change from what it used to be.

    Amber- I do like it, I'm just not used to it.

    Bruce- Smart is the new sexy? I sure as hell hope you're right cuz I've got plenty of that. ;)

  12. OMG.. That is awesome. I to love it when i know i can make men stumble over their words.. And yes sometimes it can be very creepy..

  13. I love this post. It's great that the weird oil change guy can remind you that your new hairstyle is hot-hot-hot, as are you. That's awesome. I know I will take that shit when i can get it. My layers are getting old.

    I want to see the pic.

  14. Way to go making him nervous too bad you still had to pay for the oil change..........

    Now I only have short hair long hair gives me a headache but I have toyed with the idea of going blonde recently just to see how others react to it...........

  15. I gotta give you a lotta credit for going au naturale with your hair! I have been a slave to perms (and now foils) for decades. I secretly want to get red tips in the back, though. Like, stop sign red.

    As for Urkel the oil monkey, it is both creepy and flattering....

  16. Woman you are HOT, sizzling hot. And smart is sexy. And you left him

    I bet you felt amazing knowing you got him all hot and bothered. Best feeling in the world

    (lets just forget he was a little creepy ok?)

  17. I always say...The best part of the muffin is the MUFFIN TOP!

    I say enjoy the fact that you still have it...and use it well!


  18. She really is one sexy-ass vampire, isn't she?

    I <3 vampires. And werewolves, so I won't judge you.

    I remember when I had that effect on the opposite sex. Hell, I used to get hit on by women too. *sigh* I really need to hit the gym. *remains in bed*

  19. To quote Mama Rose "You either got it. Or you don't." And baby, you got it.~ ;-)

  20. Yeah, you're totally one sexy vamp. I won't judge cuz I do the same thing with vamp books.

  21. i'm waiting for my hair to grow out in the hopes that i'll feel less fat again. *sigh*


Bitch with me, will you?