Hold On Just a Little While Longer

Okay...I get it now. Once I survive having raised teenagers while they simultaneously survive having not been killed by a rabid bitch they call mom, my fairy godmother will appear to grant my wildest dreams and wishes.

My home will be transformed into a majestic oasis of beauty and light. There will be bathrooms that smell of early Spring raindrops, Scotch-guarded walls, floors so sanitary that not only can you eat off them, but you will eat off them. There will be kick-ass pixies who'll make sure that everything stays immaculate because if they see so much as a dirty sock on the floor, they'll zap your ass to kingdom come.

Angels will sing me to sleep at night and larks will serenade me in the morning. The sun will kiss my cheek and say, "Arise, precious queen of Hyde. Behold your reward for a job well done."

And there will be...




Silence.

And all will be right with the world.

Forever and ever.

Let the church say, "Aaaaaamen."

You Talkin' To Me?

No the fuck he did not just complain about the dinner I cooked for him! Did I just open up a hot dog package, grill them, toast sub rolls, slice tomatoes, chop onions, wash lettuce, and set out the Italian Giardiniera I've been marinating for three days all to have this asshole complain that I only grilled him one hot dog? It's a fucking hot dog sub! How many heart attacks are you trying to have?

For my friends in other countries who may or may not know what a sub is, it's any kind of sandwich on a big ass 8-12 inch roll. Google submarine sandwich or hoagie. I'll wait.

See? That bitch could feed a whole village in Ethiopia and he's complaining that I only made him one. Can anyone say fat bastard?

How about fat, ungrateful bastard? I'm going to have a shot of something before I catch a murder charge. Don't be surprised if you see me on an upcoming episode of Snapped. I'll be the bitch wearing a boiled testicle talisman around her neck.

Don't you fucking love that show?