Ain't it grand? If I'm to be completely honest, and of course I have to be now, this is the fourth award I've received from the awesome people who dare to read my chaotic ramblings. Sometimes those awards come with conditions and I almost always flake out on those obligations. What can I say? I'm a fucking rebel. This doesn't mean I'm ungrateful; far from it. It amazes me that there exists in this world people who want to hear what I have to say. I am deeply humbled by your loyal readership (all of you) and I will do my best to stay as bitchy and vocal as I possibly can. Hug, hug, kiss, kiss. You know the drill.
In the interest of honesty and going totally balls-to-the-wall, I will honor the conditions of this award. I have to list ten honest things about myself. This is going to be hard 'cause I don't want to just list any old thing. People have to read this crap, so I at least want it to be interesting.
Hmmm. Ten whole things? How about five? Okay, okay.
1. I hardly ever answer my cell phone or return phone calls. I'm sorry, but I have way too much shit to do to be on the phone all day. Send me a text or an email. I will return a text. I might return an email.
2. I don't watch the news. Being inundated with up-to-the-minute negativity isn't exactly my idea of a good time.
3. Here are some of the jobs I've had: barmaid, daycare provider, phone sex operator, substitute teacher. My work history is but a small indication of the good vs. evil battle I fight on a daily basis.
4. I have a 26-year-old sister whom I've never met. Papa was a rolling stone. He rolled his ass to Virginia for awhile, met a woman, fathered a child, died and didn't leave any information on how to find her. Oprah won't help me and apparently, baby sis hasn't heard of social networking. So, if anyone knows a Jessica Brown in or around the Richmond area, give a holler. How many Jessica Browns can there be in Richmond?
5. I can spot a big dick from a mile away. Oh, now you're awake. I didn't just do that for shock value, it's actually true. I have a penchant for sniffing out the heavily schlonged. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
6. I've been trying to complete this post for two hours, so I'm going to stop now and come back in ten years when I think of more things.
7. My mother has been a drug addict for over 30 years. If you can't say anything else about her, you can say that she is consistent. When she decides to do something, she sticks to that shit like glue. She sold me to a man when I was eight years old. That's all I have to say about that (imagine I'm Forrest Gump).
8. My favorite color is purple. Yeah, I know that's lame, but #7 is a tough act to follow. Okay, I'll give you a real one. I hate crying. If you make me cry, be sure to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life.
9. I have a girl crush on Portia de Rossi. I like that she's a little bit insane just like me. With my muffin top, four kids, and empty bank account, I'm sure I could give Ellen and her millions a run for their money.
10. I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy. Give me a break, I tried, didn't I?
It's not a requirement to pimp out blogs, but I'm going to do it anyway. These blogs don't get as much recognition as they should, so please visit and follow them if you like what you see.
Rants from the Hormonally Challenged Love her and I'm sure you will, too!
The Well-Fed Spirit This bitch is AWEsome!
Simple Dude in a Complex World He doesn't follow this blog, but don't hold that against him.
Jumble Mash Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.
All right, so, that's it. I know I cheated a little bit, but when you're a control freak like me, you have a hard time being vulnerable. Some of my fellow award recipients were worried about losing followers if they posted true, honest-to-goodness things about themselves. I'm not. If you don't love me for the bitch I am, then fuck you and I'm happy to be rid of you.
But if I come back on here in the morning and all of you are gone, oh, I will stalk you.
