Half-Assed Weekend Post: Ben Gay and Milkshakes, Mmm Mmm Good

Has this ever happened to you?

You're walking down a city street/country road/Indian burial ground, minding your own business. It's a bright, sunny day, so there is a little pep in your step. Naturally, if you're boobylicious like me, pep makes your girls bounce. And wiggle. And dance. And otherwise just cause a goddamn scene. A dirty old man notices the ensuing commotion ten inches below your chin and proceeds to make a lame yet somehow lewd remark about your ample bosom like, "Got milk?" I think that's my least favorite of all the big tit jokes. I like to respond with, "Got a surgeon to remove my foot from your ass?" or "Got a baby carrot to hold next to your dick so it will look huge by comparison?" I'm no good at snappy comebacks. I'm too wordy for that. Who'da thunk?

I also hate it when they burst into a rousing chorus of "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard..." This one I can't stand because I'm not entirely sure she's talking about boobs in that song. I shudder to think what she is talking about. Whatever it is that that bitch is charging people for, I'm damn sure not teaching it to some old dude.

But I digress.

So you're walking down the street, having a nice day when you're verbally assaulted by Jesus' uncle. You are appalled that this ancient ass man has the fucking nerve to think that he has a chance with you. What nimrod forgot to take Grandpa back to Shady Pines? Who in the hell left the gate open? And furthermore, what in the name of Ben Gay and support hose would make him think that I would even visualize his wrinkled, flaccid body let alone allow him to rest his glassy, jaundiced eyes on mine? Why, he has to be twice my age! At least! He's gotta be, what, 42? 43? And I'm only...

38

Oh.

Never mind.

Snobby bitch tantrum over. Pick your pride and your youth up off the ground. Dust them off. Dammit! They've got old all over them. This shit'll never come out.

A similar thing happened to me last year. I was being mauled by a guy who I mistook for a dirty old man.  Oh, that asshole was dirty all right, but upon closer inspection I realized that he couldn't have been that much older than me.

You know you're getting old when the dirty old men are the same age as you.

That's some bullshit right there.

When did you realize you were getting old(er)? If you're under 30, a simple I-could-only-hope-to-rock-half-as-hard-as-you-Mrs-Hyde-when-I'm-a-sexy-38-year-old-bombshell will suffice.

Half-Assed Baltimore

I hope you don't mind, Simple Dude, but I'm gonna go ahead and get the half-assed ball rolling this weekend. We were only 37 minutes into the weekend when shit started pissing me off, so...

In case you didn't feel like wasting two precious minutes of your life watching this video (and who could blame you?) this is Baltimore's mayor, Stephanie Rawlings-Blake fulfilling the losing end of a bet she made with Pittsburgh's mayor, Luke Ravenstahl over the Ravens/Steelers playoff game. I'm all for fun and games and friendly wagers between rivaling cities, but maybe, just maybe she should have done this before taking money out of the police officers' and firefighter's pockets while giving herself and the city council a raise. Why the hell do they get a raise? Aren't raises designed for employees who aren't fucking up?

Is this bitch for real? How much did this video cost to produce? Let's see, this is Baltimore City, so I'm going to make a conservative guess and say...carry the one... about a million dollars. All this city knows how to do is waste money. When I first enrolled my kids in school transportation at the beginning of the year, they were sending two separate school cabs to pick them up. Let me inform you that both of my children were leaving from the same house and going to the same school. A monstrous waste of money and resources. So I guess this video and other bullshit like it is what happened to the police officer's money that was just cut from their salaries. This is on top of the furlough days that were deducted from their paychecks earlier in the fiscal year. And it's retroactive.

Let me get this straight, Steph. Police officers are expected to fight crime in an increasingly crime-ridden city for less pay than the below-average wages they were already getting? And I'm supposed to feel safe in a city of (rightly) disgruntled police officers? Apparently so.

Good job, Mayor Rawlings-Blake. Good fucking job.

A half-assed post about a jackass. I think I've outdone myself.

Half-Assed

There are so many times that I just have a thought or two that I'd like to share, but it's not necessarily worth a whole post. I usually just say screw it and keep it to myself. Sometimes I subject my husband and kids to my fluky nonsense, but in the spirit of Simple Dude's Half-Assed Weekend Posts, I will share with you the following random thought.

In the book and subsequent movie, Charlotte's Web, why the hell did the pig get credit for the writings Charlotte spun in her web? What kind of in-bred, back-woods, cousin-fucking thought pattern would cause someone to believe that a pig could not only spin a spider's web, but also form perfectly spelled phrases? It was one of my childhood favorites and I didn't want the pig to be chopped into various delicious cuts of meat either, but really? Really?

Wow...that was fun. I may have to do some half-assed weekday posts as well.